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Archive for December, 2011

I Lost the World

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Condoms are made to bar a natural process and years of sex course after sex course I was acutely aware of it. I’d made up my mind that if you needed an abortion you must have your reasons, just don’t involve me. Later on sex evolved into something private but I loved it because it felt good being so close to someone. Looking back I think it has long represented the things I’ve always wanted: someone to share life with who would want to tell me their hopes, fears, everyday stuff, who’d care about my stuff, tell me when i’m being stupid but also know how to be supportive, share some of my interests, be a motivator and a contributor: the perfect guy. Sex would be the cherry in the virgin mary after time spent going through the motions of all of these things with this one guy. Kind of like a reward for good behavior or the trophy at the end of a marathon, sleep after a long day.

And then it happened. At first I was in disbelief, the lines weren’t entirely clear, it wasn’t just the light in the room. Still that was enough to trigger me off and it only grew worse to find i was 4 weeks along, too early. We went to the nearest planned parenthood and I had a medical abortion in my room at 6 weeks. My mother was the only person who knew in my family. Even today my father doesn’t know. It was excruciating and in the end past the vomiting, the blood, the pain, I remember my mother saying “she didn’t have to go through this” as my guy at the time stood in the living room after she had gotten home. No one was allowed at the house but she had made the exception but after seeing me in pain that was the worst she could say.

Every day I never forget. Let me be clear, I wanted that baby, and I want to have children. I also loved that guy. But I refused to have that baby and drag someone through a chance where I couldn’t raise them myself, the possibility of a split family, being the black sheep, not having enough, when there are already so many people like that in this world. I have lived a privileged life, I can’t live with giving any less. For the last year I have seen my recklessness and his, realizing through some of his prior actions that he won’t change and that I don’t see those things I need to be in love with a person for life, in him. I don’t blame him, because that recklessness in him is really what was in me. I realize that I knew the important bits about the general things I wanted in life and that I ignored it. In the end, I lost the world.