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Archive for October, 2010

My girlfriend had an abortion

Friday, October 15th, 2010

We had the abortion about a year ago, before valentine’s day. She found out she was six weeks pregnant and we discussed what we wanted to do. We debated for awhile about whether to have it or not.  I did consider all the fun, exciting parts of having a child, but was also scared of the emotional and financial reality. I eventually told her that I wasn’t ready for a child. She agreed that she felt the same. Later she told me that she believed that was my way of telling her I shouldn’t be depended upon. Maybe she was right. We went back and forth for awhile. Neither of us could really decide who she be making the decision.  Neither of us wanted to be the one to say, lets have an abortion, lets have a baby. She finally said that if neither of us really wanted a child, we should have an abortion.I agreed. I was grateful that that’s what she decided.

That was pretty much the last active role that I played. She found a doctor, I’m not sure how. We went to see the doctor  and made an appointment for a week later. During that week, my gf became withdrawn and tense, and I became frustrated.I tried to speak with her about it, but she said that I couldn’t understand. She asked me to not tell anyone, and although I thought that was a bad idea, I agreed.

The day of the appointment we both took off work and I drove her to the office and went in with her. The doctor was an obgyn, and the waiting room was filled with babies. It wasn’t a positive experience. My girlfriend went into the appointment alone. When she came out, I was desperate to ask her questions, but I didn’t. We went out to lunch and she said she felt relieved.

It took awhile, but we eventually talked it through. She said she felt alone through the process and ashamed that she felt shame about having an abortion. She said it was confusing because a part of her did want the baby, but knew she couldn’t give it the life she wanted to, which brought up other issues.  I told her that I felt she shut me out and it was unfair to ask me to keep it a secret.  We both eventually talked about it with friends, which was definitely for the best.


Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Overwhelmed by shame and guilt. Fearful of judgement.

How I feel now…

At peace with my decision, grateful that I had the choice.

How old were you when you had your abortion?


My story…

It’s taken me a while to tell this story. I still barely tell it- it seems years pass and secrets seem to collect. This is one of those secrets. The story is probably fairly common-  I was raised in a Christian household, I didn’t know enough about birth control. I was told there were two types of women- the type that keep their legs shut and the type that regret not keeping their legs shut. Before my abortion  I was the former. After my abortion, I wasn’t sure anymore. Years later, I remember watching the movie “Juno” and hearing her father tell her “I thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when.” I so understood when she said “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” I definitely didn’t think I would be the girl who had an abortion.

I obviously couldn’t tell my family, so I asked the “father” to accompany me to the procedure. I remember feeling I had to beg him. I was overwhelmed by shame, and felt that this was inherently “my problem.” I was tormented by thoughts that I’d be punished for this, that I would be forever tarnished. I completely remember being overhwhelmed by my own guilt, but I barely remember the procedure.However, I remember asking him to pay for half of it (it was $300- a lot). After, I remember telling him that I’d pay him back when I had enough money.

I’m now fiercely pro-choice. I’m sad that I had to bear such shame and guilt for such a simple mistake and I hope other woman don’t, that other women will accept that a mistake is a mistake. However, it’s not so simple. I know. I’m pro-choice, but still not open about my abortion. I have shared it- I’ve told my mother, years later. She cried, and said she wished she had been there for me. And I told my daughter, who will hopefully learn from my mistakes and know that  I will always support her as she makes her own.