How I felt at the time…

Nervous, ready, scared

How I feel now…

Grief, relief

My story…

Next week I will be going to the Women’s Clinic to have my third abortion. I need to tell my story because the truth is, for the first time I am starting to grieve from the two abortions before. I start to wonder if there is just something totally screwed up in my head because I continue to not use protection and here I am pregnant for the fourth time, getting an abortion for the third. The first two definitely were nerve wracking and emotional but I was ok. This time I’m terrified out of my mind.

To start my story… I do have one beautiful little boy who is 5 years old. I am 29. First: Summer of 2015, I was off to rehab for 3 months for my drug addiction. When I got to rehab, I was told I was pregnant. To keep this story short, I had a surgical abortion at 11 weeks. I knew that the substances I had been putting in my body and the medication given to me at rehab had caused severe developmental issues already for the fetus. I also knew I was going to leave rehab to come back home and try so hard to stay sober and be the best mom I could be for my son who was 2 at the time. I was scared but I knew having a child while trying to stay clean and raise my son was my number one goal.

Second time: Fall 2016, I started dating a guy much younger than me. He was on a completely different maturity level than I was. I found out I was pregnant. 4 weeks along. My father was very sick and was in the process of dying this exact same week. I was not financially stable an neither was he. I took the pill for this abortion and I knew it was the right decision at the time because knowing my emotional state already having my father pass, my past drug use, I would have gone downhilll very fast trying to have another baby. The pill was so much worse for me than the surgery. I woke up after taking the pills and had to buy a new mattress. Third time: Next week 2018, I don’t even know. I’m about 6-7 weeks. I don’t know if I want to go through with surgery or pill, I have relapsed with drugs, I’m scared out of my mind this time.

Both times before I was so sure and had no doubt. Number three just seems so crazy. I feel like a bad person and I know I’m not. I make bad decisions. I worry what people will think even though only two of my close friends know about this. But I put myself in other peoples heads and wonder what they would call me or say to me. I’m just not in a good place mentally about this time and I’m scared.