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Archive for the ‘Planned Parenthood’ Category

Still the right choice

Wednesday, May 27th, 2015

How I felt at the time…

Resolute and full of remorse at the same time.

How I feel now…

Its still the right choice for me.

My Story….

In my senior year of college, I made a lot of choices. Most of them, looking back now, were made because I wasn’t preparing myself mentally for what lay ahead after graduation. Instead I made short-term, instant gratification my priority. This involved a lot of partying and hooking up with guys that I didn’t care about emotionally. I wanted to rebel, to reject the status quo of growing up and getting a job and being responsible.

Well, one of my nights of partying led to an encounter with a guy who I had been hooking up with for a while, quite exclusively. We were both so drunk that either the condom slipped off or was just not put on in the first place.

I started feeling the symptoms of pregnancy pretty immediately. I went to a wedding the following weekend and my appetite and emotions were so out of whack that my best friend and I both deduced that I should probably take a pregnancy test.

Seeing that plus sign on that white plastic stick made my heart sink. The little bathroom stall in my college dorm was a pretty claustrophobic place to begin with but I really couldn’t breathe when I first saw the proof that I was pregnant. There wasn’t really a thought in my mind that I should keep it. I just wanted to get the abortion over with as fast as possible.

Timing was tricky. It was just over two weeks before graduation and I also had final papers and tests to take in order to graduate. I’m grateful for Planned Parenthood – even though I still had to wait a week and a half for my procedure, at least I could get the medical care I needed and there was no red tape to wade through. I was still in the middle of final exams when I went in to get the procedure done on a Friday morning. No protestors were around when I entered the building and I remember being surprised that the facilities were located in a strip mall alongside a 99 cent store, a lavanderia and an auto-supply shop. How do these mundane conveniences work alongside the complex and vital role that a place like Planned Parenthood plays in society?

I pondered questions like this while waiting, with my two best friends, in the waiting room. When I was taken into the medical office, the whole experience could not have been more understanding, non-judgmental, and professional. I think I was in and out within two hours. My mind has since blocked out the whole physical part of the procedure but I do remember thinking that it was not as painful as I had anticipated.

After it was over, I was very woozy with medication and my friends drove me to the house where we were going to be living for the summer. This was the ultimate convenience at the time: our rent had just started on the new place, and that made it possible for me to recover in anonymity for the weekend, before returning to campus and the full throttle of finishing finals and all the graduation activities. Without the support of my close friends – who never once questioned my decision or my needs, I don’t know if I could have adequately recovered enough to be present the week of commencement.

It was a surreal time that week. Going through the motions, as everyone else around me was so excited for what was next. I tried hard to act like it was all OK but when I look at pictures from that time I see a very unhappy person who was so uncertain about what she had done and what she was going to do.

I’ve thought a lot about justification for my choice. And it turns out, that path doesn’t really work for me. At first I told myself that I would “make it worth it” and that instead of mothering a child that I didn’t want, I would devote my life to making the world a better place in different ways. I’ve done that in small contributions along the way. The best thing I can say is that when I start to think about how old the child would have been or what their contribution to the world would have been, I take a deep breath and remember that this was my choice. At the time I got pregnant, I was in no emotional or monetary place to raise a child and that is that.

I’m much older now and I have built a life that I love very much, sharing it with a partner who also had a similar experience during college. We both agree that having children may not be the way we choose to spend our time here on earth. As our friends begin to couple off and have children, I’m getting the same old resilient feeling that I don’t feel like the status quo is my calling. And the choice I made when I was 21 has helped me to stay true to that.

Thank you to all the others here who have shared their stories. The chorus of voices is comforting and uplifting. To anyone reading this story, thank you and I hope that you find the choice that is best for you.

Just get really quiet and you will know in your heart.

Valentine’s Day

Tuesday, May 12th, 2015

My Story…

It all started on Saturday morning, Valentine’s Day. I woke up after a long night of partying with my friends and very little sleep. Took the dogs to the groomer’s and picked up a pregnancy test at the drugstore.

I had taken a pregnancy test three weeks prior. I was exhausted, on edge, constantly hungry, my boobs were killing me and inexplicably growing…along with my ass. The result had been negative. But my friend had urged me the night before to take another one as my “symptoms” had not subsided. I wasn’t complaining about my new bountiful breasts. I was, however, really upset that I had to start wearing a bra. They’re so restricting. I don’t like that.

I grabbed a breakfast taco at the taco stand and some coffee with horchata. Your average Saturday morning in Austin. Took a quick bite of the taco and went to the bathroom to take the test.

Result: Positive. Fuck, shit, fuck!!!! BUT wait…there was still hope, one line was way lighter than the other. Maybe that means maybe? I thought. I pulled out the instructions. FUCK!!! Turns out that happens and it’s still a big fat POSITIVE.

My heart started beating like mad. I freaked out and start pacing around the living room like a crazy person. I decided to reach out to my best friend, my sister, my soul mate, and someone who very much understands my current situation. And I did so by sending her a picture of the pregnancy test and a FUCK!!!!! Ah, the digital age.

She immediately calls me and walks me through my options. An angel. There will be a reoccurring theme of incredible women guiding me through this difficult journey with love and acceptance. I am eternally grateful!

After speaking with her, I decided I would get the medical abortion. The pill. It sounded painful, and lonely, and traumatic. You basically lay in bed cramping and bleeding out. Apparently VERY painful. But it sounded FAST. I felt awful for feeling this way, but I needed it out of me. PRONTO!! I figured I could call up a clinic, walk in, get the pills, and get it over with.

Oh wait…I live in Fuckin TEXAS!!! I call up the only two abortion clinics in town. One can’t see me until 13 days later and they won’t do the medical abortion because they deem that I am more than 7 weeks pregnant, which is the cut off for medical abortion in Texas. They consider you pregnant from the first day of your last period, which doesn’t make much sense to me, but I was too busy losing my shit to ask for clarity on this. The other clinic, Planned Parenthood told me I had to call back on Monday. The waiting begins. There is a lot of waiting…anxiety filled waiting, that occurs throughout the abortion process. At least in my experience.

My long distance boyfriend of three months was flying in that evening. Things were not going well with us. I was on the verge of breaking up with him and this weekend was kind of a test to see if anything was still there. It’s the wildest thing. I was in love with him there for a minute and really saw us having a future together, but I didn’t really know him. As things unfolded and I learned more and more about him, I quickly realized it wasn’t going to workout. And bam, not only was I out of love, but I was so frustrated and angry with him I could barely look at him. In hindsight I know that some of this was hormonal, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore, that’s for sure. “Take things slowly”, is really very sage advice.

He was about to give notice at his job the following Monday and move in with me. So now I had two very heavy situations to deal with. There was no doubt in my mind that the right thing to do was have an abortion. I was in no place to have a baby by myself. I couldn’t count on my boyfriend. He already has a daughter he never sees. And really, I wasn’t ready to have a child. I would love to, under the right circumstances, but that wasn’t the present scenario. I also knew that I had to break up with him. The feelings weren’t there anymore and the pregnancy news and his reaction were only adding to what had now become disgust. So the decisions were made, which really was half the battle, if not more. But the feelings around the decisions…what a roller coaster!!! He didn’t take the news of the pregnancy or the break up well. He called me a sociopath, and egomaniac and accused me of killing his baby, only strengthening my resolve and affirming my decision.

I called Planned Parenthood on Monday and they confirmed I was only eligible for a surgical abortion at this point. They could see me for the mandatory ultra sound on Wednesday. They told me I couldn’t make an appointment for the procedure until I had had the ultra sound and that the abortion would have to be scheduled for 24 hours after the ultrasound. Texas law. The woman told me they should be able to fit me in Friday for the procedure. A tsunami sized wave of relief rushed over me.

Life is pretty amazing sometimes. I had recently started spending more time with my friend’s girlfriend. And by more time I mean, we went to the movies once to see The Secretary the Thursday before I found out about the pregnancy. Her boyfriend is one of my good friends and I see her often, but always in big groups. Anyway, we had a nice girl date at the movies and swooned over young James Spader. When I told her boyfriend that I was pregnant and getting an abortion, he advised me to reach out to her. She would understand, he said. So I did and she turned out to be the second angel that held my hand through this journey. She opened up to me about her experience, which was really so invaluable. The hardest part about getting an abortion, for me, was not knowing what was gonna happen, and not being able to talk about it. I was so frightened and anxiety ridden over what to expect. Are they really gonna make me listen to the heart beat? Will it hurt? Will I be depressed afterwards? What’s the recovery time?

She took me to get the ultrasound on Wednesday. There were anti-choicers outside, with their rosaries and pamphlets. What is this, 1970? We parked and walked up to the building where we had to talk to someone through an intercom before they buzzed us in. They were behind bulletproof doors. Then we waited…for a long, long time. Hours went by. We watched a movie. I went back and answered some questions. Sexual history. Was I sure about my decision? Was anyone forcing me to make this decision? Etc. They took my blood, and gave me an STD test. Then I was sent back into the waiting room. We waited some more and then they finally called me back for the ultrasound.

The ultrasound was exactly as you see in movies. They informed me that due to Texas law they would have to play me the heartbeat and show me the fetus on the monitor. I can’t tell you how much additional anger those Republican mandates were responsible for during this already angst filled time. Luckily, the women at Planned Parenthood are empathetic and understanding and have workarounds in place. They provided me with headphones and music to listen to when they played the heartbeat in the room and they warned me before they angled the monitor towards me, so I was able to look away. Unfortunately, they were obliged to inform me that it was a twin pregnancy, I was 8 ½ weeks along and suggested it was a girl and a boy. This news destroyed me. To this day I am not completely sure I understand why it made it so much more difficult for me. I mean, logically, two babies is way harder than one, so the decision to terminate made even more sense. On the other hand, I do want to be a mother, very very badly, and I was a month shy of 35, so being pregnant once and having a beautiful baby girl and boy was a very attractive proposition. I told myself I couldn’t think that way. I was in no place to be having a baby, let alone two. By this time I also realized that I in no way wanted to be tied to the father for the rest of my life. And despite the strong desire to be a mother, it was not something that I wanted to take on alone. The Dr. also told me that due to my small frame, carrying twins would be very hard on my body and that I would most likely not be able to carry them to term. Again, something I would have totally been down to take on had I been in a loving, supportive relationship, but it sounded like a very lonely and terrifying existence to pursue solo.

Thursday came and went, I swam laps, had dinner with friends, and basically tried to keep myself busy. My parents returned from a trip and I told them about the twins and my decision to have an abortion. My parents and I are very close and while I toyed with the idea of not telling them, I knew it was ultimately impossible. They were already wondering what was going on with me and knew something was up when they were all the way in NYC. My hesitation in telling them was increased by the fact that my brother was about to have his first child, their first grandchild, and the last thing I wanted was to tarnish that experience for them. They were very understanding and said that although they would support me regardless of the decision I made, they believed I was making the right one in terminating.

Friday morning I went to Pilates, trying to approach the day as I would any other. My friend picked me up and we went to Planned Parenthood equipped with iPad, blanket, pillows…ready to camp out and watch movies for what was sure to be a long time. And no surprise, it was a long wait, but I spent half of that time waiting in another waiting room, wearing a robe and bundled up in a blanket along with about 14 other girls. The TV show, Friend’s was playing on a small tv in the background, a chaperone did paperwork and made sure nothing inappropriate was said or appeared on the television. We all just sat there, knowing we were in the same boat, but not speaking except to verbalize just how hungry we were and fantasize about our post-op meals (you’re not allowed to eat for 12 hours prior to the surgery). It seemed strange to me that we all avoided talking about the elephant in the room, especially since, at least for me, loneliness was the prevailing emotion at the time, and we were all in a position to ease that particular feeling for one another. But then again, it’s not like I spoke up and initiated a dialogue either. I do think this waiting period would have been a great time for interested parties to participate in a clinic organized group therapy session. But let’s not get crazy…we’re in Texas after all, and according to the state, we are horrible people who are voluntarily killing their offspring, so we don’t deserve any kind of emotional care. Instead, we all spent the time waiting for our names to be called with our faces in our phones, napping, passively watching Friend’s, and I myself spent a lot of time looking up at the skylight and taking pictures of it. I got one picture that I really liked and later posted it to instagram. I called it, Enter the Void.

Once they called my name, I followed a nurse down a long hallway into an operating room, they gave me a sedative and the Dr. started the surgery two minutes later. I don’t know if they didn’t give me enough sedative or the Dr. began the procedure too soon after the injection, but I felt everything. I was gripping my hands really tight from the pain, so the nurse gave me her hand to squeeze, a gesture that really touched me. Nonetheless, the whole thing was pretty traumatizing. It wasn’t so much the pain, but feeling every little thing and knowing what she was doing and then feeling it a second time for the second fetus that really messed with my head.Then I heard a vacuum like noise for a minute or two and it was all over. 8 minutes tops. I started crying when they told me they were finished and they slowly got me up and took me to the recovery room. I felt devastated, confused, traumatized. But I told myself I had to keep it together, I was in a room with a few other girls who were in recovery and they weren’t crying, so I needed to stay strong too. I sat in there drinking my apple juice and eating cheez-its, which had never tasted as good as they did after 16+ hours of no food.

I went home and chain smoked. My parents came over with dinner and tried to comfort me. Once they left I smoked a ton of pot mixed with some liquor and the vicodin I got from the Dr. Nothing was helping. The depression had started and I was entering the void. I really was so sure of my decision and still was despite the feelings afterwards, but I felt so much grief, guilt, and regret. Not so much regret that I had terminated the pregnancy, but regret that this was my life and that I had made poor decisions that put me in a situation where I had to have an abortion. No matter how strongly I felt that I had done the right thing, what I did went against nature and my body was as confused and pissed as I was about the whole thing. I imagine it is similar to post partum depression, but I can’t be sure. I assume that the trauma from not being properly sedated played a big role because I would cry and curl up into the fetal position often at the thought of the surgery or having sex again. I kept visualizing the twins, my babies, and  going into boughts of hysterical crying at the thought of what I had done to them. Even just looking at my two pugs or my teacher friend mentioning an adorable thing one of her 5 year-old did at school would throw me into a fit of despair. And the father of the twins certainly did his part to make the whole thing all the more challenging and emotional.

Going back to work was extremely difficult. One of my coworkers insisted on talking to me about her twins on a nearly daily basis. I couldn’t ask her to stop, of course, because that would be rude, but it was killing me inside. I was a walking zombie, crying all the time and unable to tell anyone what was going on out of fear of being judged or worse, losing my job.  My daily tasks and projects seemed so futile in the grand scheme of things. It was very difficult for me to give a shit and it was very apparent. The insurance company that had told me they would cover the procedure was now saying that they had made a mistake and would not be covering it, which caused me to go into a fit of fury that probably frightened me as much as it did them. I vacillated between numb teary zombie and raging angry bitch. I knew no other states of being. I wanted to die.

Luckily I have an amazing family and wonderful friends who supported me throughout. I was very disciplined about going to therapy and acupuncture, which was immensely helpful. And my therapist recommended a Pranic Energy meet up which changed my life. I don’t think I would have recovered so quickly had it not been for that. A month of weekly healing groups and I was a different person. My thoughts were no longer spiraling out of control and I was able to meditate again. There was hope and I could see it. I decided to quit smoking pot and cigarettes and stopped drinking for a while to aid in cutting out nicotine. All things that had needed to happen far before the pregnancy. I decided to start loving and nurturing myself.

3 months later I am still very much dealing with the emotional repercussions of the decision that I made. But, I am happy to report that with time I am able to see things differently. The spiritual journey that I am now on is one that I so desperately needed to arrive at and I do not know that I would have done so had I not reached the depths of despair. I am learning a lot about myself, the decisions that I made repeatedly in life that have led me to many difficult times, this being just one of them. I am choosing to learn from this and put an end to these behavioral patterns, so that one day I will be ready to be a nurturing, loving, and mindful mother. I realize that it is a blessing that I was aware of my inability to take on such a responsibility and that I had the foresight to see that the father was not the partner with whom I wanted to embark on the journey of parenthood. I see that despite the pain I endured and will continue to feel for some time to come, it would have been so much worse had I decided to have those twins.

Trust your soul. Regardless of your choice, there will be hardship, but it is precisely these moments that teach us who we are and what we are capable of. You are much stronger than you think.


Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final


I dont know what I want, but I know I wish this never happened

Tuesday, February 17th, 2015

My story…

i never wanted kids, i don’t even like being around children. I look at new mothers with strollers and wonder why the hell they feel like they have to show off their kids like they made some kind of accomplishment in their lives. I resent children and people who love children. I unfriend people on Facebook when they become pregnant because I just don’t care to hear how “difficult their lives have become” and how “amazing” their children are. Who cares? Definitely not me.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and the only reason why I have been feeling better about children is because he wants children. His two young nieces are a complete joy to be around and I love them to death, but when those girls leave, I am back to hating kids.

I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. It was a strong gut feeling. Both tests read positive before I even finished urinating on the stick. Once we knew I was pregnant, everything made sense. My stomach had been hurting, I had been feeling nauseous, my boobs have been swollen for three weeks, my crazy cravings are even crazier, and my hormones are out of control.

My best friend is pregnant. She got married about a year ago and was finally able to conceive a baby. I have never been happier in my life for someone to have a baby. This was the major reason why I was excited about my own pregnancy. How amazing is it that we both would be having children at the same time? She got me so excited about having a child of my own.

My boyfriend and I have always wanted to get married and have children after college. While we are well into our twenties we both still have not completed our Bachelors yet and therefore we have deemed ourselves to be not ready. So despite our excitement to start our family a bit earlier than expected, we have ultimately decided that we absolutely cannot be ready for a child at this time.

And for some unknown reason I am crushed.

I know we can’t do this right now. We just bought our first home, we are swimming in bills, student loans, credit card debts, and all sorts of financial issues. There is no way for us to financially support a tiny human. I know this and I have come to terms with this.

So I scheduled my abortion. But now I can’t stop crying.

I am so terrified of the protesters, the pain it will cause, the conversation with my mother about using our health insurance, talking with my boss about taking time off of work, everything about this is so terrifying. This is so scary. I am so scared. I have never felt so wrapped up in fear and that makes me feel so sick.

I am worried that I will have to go manage my store the day after I take the second pill and that I will be bleeding everywhere as this embryo exits my body. Will my associates know? Will my clients know? Will it hurt? Do I even have to tell my boss? What if she’s against abortion and makes me feel uncomfortable at my amazing job until I quit?

What is going to happen?
Will I be okay?
When will I stop being so afraid?

I wonder if having a baby would be less scary.

No one to talk to

Tuesday, February 17th, 2015

My story…

I had met an older man (28) off of Plenty of Fish. It was the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I thought that this guy was amazing, he had a good a job, wanted the same things I did or so I thought. We were together one week and had unprotected sex once. I had no idea I was pregnant until a month later when I tried to give blood and my iron was extremely low. I was also very tired and was having light cramping, I knew something was off. I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test, it came back positive. I must have cried for hours on end. I felt as though ending my life would be better than being pregnant. But I had an abortion and to be honest, I never felt better about my life after. I know I made the right decision and I had a great support system. But it gets hard not being able to talk to people about it and not being able to explain to men why I don’t want to have sex just yet. But over time I will be better. I will feel better eventually.

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…


Who I told…

Mom, roomate, a few friends


Wednesday, March 14th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Lost and heartbroken.

How I feel now…

Finding myself again, but a little chunk of my heart is still missing from this.

Who did you tell?

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt, Father of my child and my best friend

My story…

Saturday, July 24th 2010 I found out i was pregnant, I was 21 years old and a week late on my period. My boyfriend and I had broken up the same week I found out I was pregnant, only a few days before. I was still coping with what had happened in my relationship with him when on the way to work one day I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I went to the drugstore and bought a box of 3 pregnancy test. I stopped by my grandmothers house where she, my mother and brother were visiting her because she had just got home from having a him replacement. I snuck in the bathroom and room and took one of the test…before I could get my pants back up the test read positive, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach but somehow i held myself together long enough to get out of my grandmas house without any of my family knowing there was coming wrong….on the way to work I called my ex boyfriend to let him know the news, which I was scared of how he was going to react and the support that he was going to offer me. Suprisingly he was very nice and told me we would figure it all out and for me to stay calm, not even a minute after we got off the phone he called me back demanding I have an abortion and proceeded to tell me that the child was probably not his anyway…we hung up the phone and had to face a 8 hour shift at the hospital where I work. During work I did all that I could to keep myself together, I went to the bath room randomly to take my other two test, I just wasnt believing that this was happening to me, and that I was all alone. Being a coward, but needing my mother to know, i sent her a text message and told her that I was pregnant. After I got off work I went home and my mother and I stayed up all night talking about the different choices that were available to me, and talk about what the outcome of each one would be… I was so lost, didnt know what to do. I have always been the type that loves kids, all ages…and they all seem to love me… I always dreamed of being a mother. My mother left it up to me to make the desicion and told me she would support anything that I decided to do. (more…)

I Lost the World

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Condoms are made to bar a natural process and years of sex course after sex course I was acutely aware of it. I’d made up my mind that if you needed an abortion you must have your reasons, just don’t involve me. Later on sex evolved into something private but I loved it because it felt good being so close to someone. Looking back I think it has long represented the things I’ve always wanted: someone to share life with who would want to tell me their hopes, fears, everyday stuff, who’d care about my stuff, tell me when i’m being stupid but also know how to be supportive, share some of my interests, be a motivator and a contributor: the perfect guy. Sex would be the cherry in the virgin mary after time spent going through the motions of all of these things with this one guy. Kind of like a reward for good behavior or the trophy at the end of a marathon, sleep after a long day.

And then it happened. At first I was in disbelief, the lines weren’t entirely clear, it wasn’t just the light in the room. Still that was enough to trigger me off and it only grew worse to find i was 4 weeks along, too early. We went to the nearest planned parenthood and I had a medical abortion in my room at 6 weeks. My mother was the only person who knew in my family. Even today my father doesn’t know. It was excruciating and in the end past the vomiting, the blood, the pain, I remember my mother saying “she didn’t have to go through this” as my guy at the time stood in the living room after she had gotten home. No one was allowed at the house but she had made the exception but after seeing me in pain that was the worst she could say.

Every day I never forget. Let me be clear, I wanted that baby, and I want to have children. I also loved that guy. But I refused to have that baby and drag someone through a chance where I couldn’t raise them myself, the possibility of a split family, being the black sheep, not having enough, when there are already so many people like that in this world. I have lived a privileged life, I can’t live with giving any less. For the last year I have seen my recklessness and his, realizing through some of his prior actions that he won’t change and that I don’t see those things I need to be in love with a person for life, in him. I don’t blame him, because that recklessness in him is really what was in me. I realize that I knew the important bits about the general things I wanted in life and that I ignored it. In the end, I lost the world.

Let Me Die?

Thursday, October 20th, 2011

Last week the House of Representatives passed H.R.358, or the “Let Women Die” bill. If that bill had been passed three years ago, I would’ve died. I would be dead.

Let me be clear about that. In this great first world nation of freedom and liberty, I would’ve sat outside a hospital and bled to death. Because why? Because I exercised my right to choice.

I was twenty one. I had taken the abortion pill at a Planned Parenthood. In my follow up exam I was told there was excess lining that would shed itself and that everything was fine. For most people, that would be true. But because my hormones are generally wacky – the reason I got pregnant in the first place even though I was using birth control – my body kept thinking it was pregnant and creating and shedding more lining. I would start bleeding and then stop and think it was over. This went on for two months, until I felt a cramping sensation and looked down to see myself covered in blood and a blood clot the size of my fist. I rushed myself to the hospital and had an emergency D & C. Today I am alive and well because of my access to those emergency services.

And if I hadn’t had them? I’d be dead. There is no doubt about that.

By the age of 45, one in three American women will have had an abortion. That’s 30% of all American women who are mothers, daughters, friends and family. And even though abortion is a highly safe procedure, all bodies are different, and so that’s 30% of American women that could potentially die without access to emergency services.

What country do we live in? What does freedom mean? What is our government really here? How could a government pass a bill allowing women to die when seeking emergency care for a safe, legal procedure? What’s next?

It’s time to do something. Get involved. Stand with Planned Parenthood:


Stand with Naral:



Dragonfly Diaries

Monday, August 1st, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Scared, worried if I was making a mistake.

How I feel now…

A bit of grieving, but a lot of relief at the same time.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


My story…

I am 21 years old…I have always wanted a baby, and three weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. I was beyond overjoyed…i told my boyfriend and he was very unsure about the situation. he wanted me to have an abortion from the moment he found out…..
I was devestated. I wanted more than anything to be a mother…to keep the baby. I went ahead with the thought that nobody could take my baby from me and that i could be a single mother. I wasnt going to let anyone tell me otherwise.
So I announced to my friends and family that i would be having a baby, and everyone was super excited. my mother made little dresses for if it were a girl…and my aunt gave me a rockerchair for the baby too. people were planning baby showers and i couldnt help but get attatched and more happy.
I saw an ultrasound of my baby at 7 weeks, and it hit me. i couldnt do it alone. No matter how badly i wanted to be a mother….i couldnt do it alone. Not to mention the fact that my boyfriend told me he was planning on taking me to court for custodial rights if i chose to have the baby. It was too much stress, and no good for my baby. I wanted everything to be perfect, and i wanted the perfect life for my child.
I called planned parenthood and scheduled an in clinic surgical abortion. It was a two week wait before they could get me in. Two whole weeks of wondering if i was making the right choice….or a mistake….a big one.
The wednesday night before the appointment I spent the night over my now ex boyfriends house. The plan was to spend the night, and he was going to take me to the appointment in the morning. That way he could be there for me, at least once through my situation.
I slept very poorly that night. We woke up, and drove very quietly for the hour that it took to ge to the clinic.
There was a very long wait, before the actual procedure. Bloodwork, std tests, counceling and several cigarette breaks. also a woman outside the gates of the clinic yelling about jesus….and that i was doing the wrong thing.
When the nurse came back…it was time. and i was pretty well held together until i got into the room. They try to make it a comfortable relaxing place…..but there is no covering up the death in that room.
I sat on the table with my boyfriend in the chair next to me…the tears started to flow, and they didnt stop.
The shot that they gave me in my cervix didnt hurt at all…It was the tubes they inserted that hurt the most….that and the actual moving and sucking. I cried the hardest i have ever cried, from pain and from the fact that i was losing my child. I had to hold myself back from screaming from the pain and the emotions that i was experiencing. I said i silent “im so sorry baby…” and said goodbye to my child. The procedure was finished in about ten minutes. I was running a fever of 102. and my blood pressure was very high…but as soon as i had the strength they moved me to a room with reclining chair and a heating pad, and the nurse put a cold cloth on my forehead and gave me some gingerale…to ease my stomach.
I didnt cry on the way home. And took a hot bath. I wonder if i made the right choice, and i have cried several times since then. It has only been two days since my abortion….and I know that i have come out of it with a stronger sense of the world we live in. I know it sounds stupid….but I have never believed in abortions, I thought that they were for the poor, girls who were too young….or anybody who had been raped. I know now that abortions are common, and 1 in 3 women will have at least one by age 35. I personally would never do it again….but if you are in a place where you need the help…and you cant seem to decide…talk to someone. talk to several people….get their opinions. many women have different stories to share….everyone has a different experience. I am a stronger woman because of the choice i made….and yes, i may feel regret and guilt right now….that is normal…and in time…i will be ok. Because no matter how it hurt, both physically and emotionally……I know that i made the right decision. and i did not take a life…i saved one. and when i am with a man that i will be with forever, and in love and truly ready…then i will be a mother….but until then, i chose to have an iud put in. now im good for five years. and until i am ready…i will not have to make that decision again. no more surprises for this chica. i wish you all the best of luck…wether you have already had an abortion…or you are simply trying to make a choice. I wont push you either way….but what i will say is that it isnt a joke or something you can just do. Abortion is a very serious decision, and everyone should be totally informed either way.
Good luck and much love


Sunday, July 17th, 2011

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…

Better after reading other stories.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


What type of abortion did I have?

Vacuum aspiration.

Where was my abortion performed?

Little Rock Planned Parenthood.

How far along was I?

7-8 weeks.

Who did I tell?

Mom, sister, boyfriend, grandmother, boss, therapist, doctor.

My story…

I’m 24 years old and found out on June 24th 2011 that i was pregnant, I had a break down in the bathroom after seeing the positive, i was only 4 days late for my period and i assumed if was from all the medications i had been on along with all the stress in my life. Let me explain my stress and my medications 1st my stress like i said im 24 years old, when i was 18 i started working in a 911 dispatch center. i did not know the mental and emotional stress this would put me under. I was able to keep the issues from work buried down deep inside and never deal with them and then in April of this year i had a massive mental break down i cried all the time couldn’t work didn’t want to do anything. So i went to a doctor who told me i had major depressive disorder, anxiety, and post traumatic disorder. So i have been on Zoloft 50mg, then Zoloft 100mg, xanax .25mg, then changed to lexapro 40mg and 2 a day dosage of xanax .5mg. I know that im not ready for a child when i myself am not emotionally or mentally stable to have a child, now before anyone starts saying the wonderful “you should have used protection thing” My gyno did not think i would ever be able to get pregnant my ex husband and i tried for over 2 years and i never got pregnant cause when i was 18 i had callused cyst removed from both my ovaries and endometriosis, but i did get pregnant by my new boyfriend and it was a shocker. I have always been very pro choice in certain situations like rape,incest, baby born with birth defects or being born mentally retarded and never knowing a real life. I’m having my abortion procedure tomorrow and im so scared, i haven’t been worried about it till today the day before i go in, i know this will be something that ill have to think about the rest of my life, but to me i feel like im doing the right thing. i also don’t feel like a baby murder because when i saw my ultra sound they said the baby was the size of a sesame seed, no organs had been formed and they had no heart beat yet, so to me this is not like killing a baby. I just do hope that women know you do have a choice in your life, if you feel like you cant take care of your child due to mental and emotional issues in your life take care of yourself first, my doctor also warned me that since i have depression i have a 100% chance of getting post part-um after the baby is born and that’s just as bad. I hope my story helps someone cause the stories i have read have helped me a lot. thank you.

No More Crying

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

Today I read the news and cry. I cry because I hear the attack not just on abortion, but on women’s access to health care. Yes, I had my abortion at Planned Parenthood. Yes, it was a necessity. Planned Parenthood offered me affordable access when no one else would. And it’s been years since then and in those years I get my annual exam at Planned Parenthood. I get testing and cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood. I have not seen another doctor in five years. I can’t afford to see another doctor. I rely on Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood offers me choices when no one else will.

And so I cry, not only because of the dangerous and violent direction this country is heading, but because of the dangerous and violent place the world already is, and always has been, for women. When did we become so deeply backwards? When did we accept the rape, the physical and mental abuse against women as normal? When did we turn a blind eye? Once we vote upon women’s decisions, women’s rights, women’s bodies as something other than their own, we vote upon the chance for others to make them their own. See Haiti. See South Africa. See the whole world, women going to grave and lethal measures to protect themselves, to free themselves of rape and abuse, to free themselves of being someone else’s property and the brunt of someone else’s decision. Today I read the news and cry, for myself and for women everywhere. But then I wipe away my tears and make a promise to myself and women everywhere. Some women don’t have the option to fight. But I do, and I will.

sign the open letter to Congress asking them to protect Planned Parenthood’s funding: https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_ws_I_Stand_with_PP&s_src=istandwithPP_home&__utma=1.1658403730.1298142382.1298142382.1298142382.1&__utmb=|utmccn=%28direct%29|utmcmd=%28none%29&__utmv=-&__utmk=72308883