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How I felt at the time…

Lost and heartbroken.

How I feel now…

Finding myself again, but a little chunk of my heart is still missing from this.

Who did you tell?

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt, Father of my child and my best friend

My story…

Saturday, July 24th 2010 I found out i was pregnant, I was 21 years old and a week late on my period. My boyfriend and I had broken up the same week I found out I was pregnant, only a few days before. I was still coping with what had happened in my relationship with him when on the way to work one day I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I went to the drugstore and bought a box of 3 pregnancy test. I stopped by my grandmothers house where she, my mother and brother were visiting her because she had just got home from having a him replacement. I snuck in the bathroom and room and took one of the test…before I could get my pants back up the test read positive, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach but somehow i held myself together long enough to get out of my grandmas house without any of my family knowing there was coming wrong….on the way to work I called my ex boyfriend to let him know the news, which I was scared of how he was going to react and the support that he was going to offer me. Suprisingly he was very nice and told me we would figure it all out and for me to stay calm, not even a minute after we got off the phone he called me back demanding I have an abortion and proceeded to tell me that the child was probably not his anyway…we hung up the phone and had to face a 8 hour shift at the hospital where I work. During work I did all that I could to keep myself together, I went to the bath room randomly to take my other two test, I just wasnt believing that this was happening to me, and that I was all alone. Being a coward, but needing my mother to know, i sent her a text message and told her that I was pregnant. After I got off work I went home and my mother and I stayed up all night talking about the different choices that were available to me, and talk about what the outcome of each one would be… I was so lost, didnt know what to do. I have always been the type that loves kids, all ages…and they all seem to love me… I always dreamed of being a mother. My mother left it up to me to make the desicion and told me she would support anything that I decided to do.

I talked to several other people in my family trying to help me make the best choice for my child, myself and my family.. it was an emotional roller coaster, one day I was bound damned and determined I was going to keep the child, the next I was all for abortion. The last I heard from my ex (he wasnt local, He was a marine stationed 4 hours away) he told me to drive to hours to an abortion clinic and he would pay for half of it, and that the place he looked up gave military discounts (how convienient, right?) I was more than furious with him when he came to me with this and hung up on him. I thought that if he wanted me to have the abortion he should pay for all of it, mainly because of him being married, with a child, and another girlfriend in a different state that he was spending all his extra time and money on were the causing factors that we werent together anymore, Those were all secrets that he had kept from me and that I had found out just prior to me finding out I was pregnant. When i had finally came to my senses and realized that I dont have much time left to decide I tried to call him to tell him I would pay for half, and his number had been changed. At this point I was absolutely devestated, I was lost, and alone with this growing baby in my belly. I scheduled the appointment and had the abortion done August 10th 2010, My mother went with me to Plannedparent hood, where there was a room slammed full of girls of all ages I paid for the $500 dollar abortion on my own with no help from the father….When you go in they have everyone sitting in the waiting room, then they call you back one at a time to do a pregnancy test, std test, blood work, and counseling to make sure this is the right choice for you, then they did a vaginal ultra sound of my baby and showed me the pictures of my baby. It was about the size of a grain of rice, is what the doctor said….after seeing the ultra sound and getting my clothes back on they sent me back out to the lobby to wait for my turn to get the abortion pill. I ran outside to tha parkinglot tore up, crying hysterically, not knowing if this was the right decision for me, or my baby… of course mom came chasing me to comfort and wipe my tears… I went back in and thank god, I was called next to go back into the room where they administered the abortion pill, they explained to me that there was no going back after i had taken the pill, i took the pill in front of them, and they sent me home with 2 other pills that i were to take after being home that makes me pass the pregnancy. I grieve everyday, and think about my sweet baby that was too good for me to keep everyday. I dont quite beat myself up like I once did, but I do occasionally have my break downs. Personally I will never make the choice to have an abortion again. Abortion is a very big decision to make, it can affect you for the rest of your life, please ladies just make sure that who ever you lay down with is someone that you make sure you know, and would never leave you high and dry, we always make mistakes its part of being human…Im disapointed that I had to go through this to make me open up my eyes and see thing clearly. I am now 23 years old, still remain single since then.

Just because you have an abortion doesnt make you a bad person. Using abortion as a form of birth control is where you go wrong. God bless all you ladies, who have had an abortion, and are faced with making the decision of having one. Life goes on, it just may be a little hard.

One Response to “Lost”

  1. Julia Says:

    Your story is very touching; somewhere in my heart it healed me. As i sit here i remember the pain that haunts me, once in a while, i wont mind to keep in touch with you, just 4 a chat thru e mails. wonders that wont end. Thank you!

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