How I felt at the time…

Terrified, Embarrassed, Depressed.

How I feel now…
Still embarrassed but, significantly less so. I am mostly filled with a great deal of sadness and a sense of loss.

My story…
I’m a romantic to say the least. I wanted every guy I met to be ‘the one’ that would last forever. Marry me. Be my husband. The father of my children. Sometimes I’m afraid I wished myself into it. I couldn’t afford birth control (not realizing then that I could get it for free) and I was having unprotected sex with a guy that I wanted to be the man of my dreams. My period was irregular because I wasn’t regulating it with birth control. So, my period was a couple of days late. I told myself repeatedly that it wasn’t true, that I was just over-reacting. But, my breasts were so tender and swollen, not too far from the feeling I have right before my period. I was rationalizing everything. The truth is, I knew I was pregnant. Call it women’s intuition or call it the obvious truth. I was having unprotected sex with a guy while I wasn’t on birth control. Well, “He wasn’t cumming inside of me!”, I’d say to myself. Trust me, even he doesn’t know exactly what happens in that moment of orgasm.

I decided to go to the dollar store around the corner from the house and pick up a little cheap pregnancy test. “If it fails”, I thought, “I’ll just go to CVS and pick up a quality one to be double sure”. I went home, closed myself in bathroom, peed on the stick and the plus sign lit up like the light of day, almost instantly. Again, I started rationalizing. I told myself, well this stupid thing doesn’t know, it only cost me a dollar. So, I used the second one, positive. I started feeling sick, but not because of the pregnancy. I was so scared. My mind went crazy like the static on television. What do I do?….. Did I forget to mention that Mr. Right and I broke up the week before in a heinous display of immaturity? Yeh, that too.

I wanted to blame him. I called him immediately and he didn’t answer me. I called him and text him and called him again until he answered. “What? I’m in a dinner!” And then I told him and to his credit, he quickly got out of the dinner that was so important only moments before. We didn’t meet in person because, I suppose, neither of us knew what to say or how to behave. He told me to let him know what I wanted to do about it and he would support me. I guess that went better than it could have. I then called Planned Parenthood and tried to plan the… abortion. Even now, saying that words makes me cry. The ladies at PP asked me to take the time to make sure I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. They also said that, if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy I should decide if I wanted a surgical termination or a medical termination. These are some of the most important decisions a girl can make in this short period of time. On one hand, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. On the other, I had to ask myself over and over again if I truly wanted to abort.

I felt like I couldn’t talk to my mom about it because she had just discovered that she may have cancer. This was the most tragic. I was scared for her and I didn’t want to put any additional pressure on her. Usually she was my rock, I told her everything. Not this time. I turned to my friends for this one. I knew some girls that had been through similar situations and I essentially took a poll of whether I should have a medical abortion (which can be less painful but, more traumatic as it takes longer) or a surgical abortion (which is invasive and traumatic too but, quicker). All I could think about was putting an end to it as quickly as possible. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up knowing it was all over. I made the appointment for a few days following. I had two friends insist that they come with me, I feel so lucky for that.

The morning of I was told to wear sneakers, comfortable loose-fitting pants, and a loose fitting shirt. I couldn’t wear make-up, perfume or any jewelry. Now, I’m not a person that is afraid of going without make-up but, considering the circumstances, I just felt naked. Stripped of all of my femininity. Once we arrived, I filled out the paper work and slid it back to the stone-faced woman on the other side of the window. “You didn’t fill out THIS page or THIS page and you filled out THIS one wrong!”, she yelled as she flipped the papers back under the window. Wow. Thank you Madame Sensitivity. I was almost angry with her but then, I realized that she must have to be hardened that way. If I were in her shoes, I would have to do everything in my power not to empathize with every girl that came through those doors. All of the women that worked there, with the exception of the surgeon, were like that. Hard.

When they called my name to go into the back I felt my knees go weak. I kissed both of my friends and took a deep breath. I just told myself, “If ever you have to become a woman, it is right now girl. You made a decision, and now you have to face it.” I went into the back room, put on the gown and did the intake interview. This is where they ask you 30 times if you are SURE that you want to proceed. God, that’s hard. To say over and over again “yes, I’m sure” when I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure about anything in that moment. Then, the moment I regret most that day, they asked me if I wanted to see the picture of the sonogram. I said, “yes”. I don’t know what on earth possessed me to say yes. In the next few minutes I was whisked into another room for the sonogram. They confirmed that I was indeed pregnant and they showed me the picture of the sonogram. I saw my baby. My first child, inside of me, growing. I wish I never had. I am eternally haunted by that picture.

Everything after that was a fog. Mostly because I was sobbing uncontrollably. I remember that there was another girl there crying too. We were all in a room together, hooked up to IV’s hanging from those metal things on wheels. Another girl sat across from me talking my ear off about how this was her 3rd abortion and how she thought I was going to be just fine. I really just wanted her to shut up and leave me in my misery. I was escorted through the room where all the girls laid in beds post surgery and then into the room where they performed the abortions. As soon as I sat on the table I started sobbing again. The surgeon came in and, thank god, she was the most soothing person I’ve ever met. She asked me why I was crying and I told her I was scared. I was shaking all over, I almost couldn’t lay down. The anesthesiologist put me under and I drifted off to sleep in seconds.

When I woke up I was in the recovery room that I had walked through, what seemed like, only moments before. I stayed in that room for awhile but I kept thinking about how I just wanted to leave. Finally, my friends pulled my car up to the back door and helped me out. I was still sort of drugged up so I stayed awake long enough to get home and into my bed. I was in and out that day but, I remember my ex being there for a few minutes. He didn’t know what to say and neither did I. I just, fell back asleep and when I woke up he was gone. That was the last time I ever saw him.

I never sought therapy for that experience and as a result, I struggle with what happened every single day of my life. Every time I see a baby I feel an aching in my heart. I know that I made the right decision but, it doesn’t make that experience any less hurtful. It did, however, make me value the gift that I have been given as a woman. I have the ability to create life. To carry a child for 9 months inside of me. I will never make a mockery of the gift that I’ve been given, again.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 at 8:29 pm and is filed under Medical Abortions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.