facebook : twitter  : email  : donate

Archive for the ‘Surgical Abortions’ Category

I exercised my right to choose

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Stupid, scared, confused

How I feel now…

At peace

Who I told…

My best guy friend, my sister, my stepmom, and my dad

Who came with me to my abortion…

My stepdad

How old was I…


My story…

When the word “Pregnant” showed up on that pee stick I thought my world was over. I saw my college and professional careers go down the tube. I saw many of my relationships crumble or strain. I saw the looks of disappointment on many of my family members faces. I saw my world end. All of this flooding my mind in what seemed like ten minutes, but was only ten seconds. Yes, I was probably overreacting, but I’m 20 and in college… It tends to happen. As I put my hand on my belly and put the test up to the light for the tenth time to make sure I wasn’t misreading it, I knew in the back of my head there was no way that I could keep it. It wasn’t the right time in my life at all. I was getting ready to start my junior year of college. There was no way I could financially or academically take off a semester, let alone a year of school to be pregnant.  It wasn’t possible.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room to break the news to my dad. As tears began to run down my face he got up and hugged me. He promised me that no matter what my decision was he was behind me the whole way through. He kept his promise, taking me to all of the appointments and supporting me through it all.
Since then I’ve had to deal with friends who don’t know about what happened making comments about abortions and people who get them, throwing around terms like “baby killers” and “heartless” like nothings. I’ve had to walk through the demonstrations by our on-campus “pro-life” group. It’s become easier to brush these aside and not let them hurt me, but it still happens. The thing is I’m not heartless. Hell, I’m going to school to be a teacher! I also practically raised my baby sister. That’s exactly how I knew I wasn’t ready. I just remind myself that those people don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They don’t know how I felt or what I experienced. I’m at peace with myself, and to me that’s all that matters.
What it all comes down to what that It was my decision and my life. I can’t change my decision, nor would I ever. I followed my head and my heart, and my story would have been completely different if I hadn’t.

I hope this helps her

Sunday, December 12th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Angry at myself.

How I feel now…

Proud that I have a choice.

My story…

Honestly I am just looking for a place to share my story and provide hope and love to those who are going through the same thing I went through.  I guess you can stay I started my journey running 13.1 miles and then hopping on a plane the next day  to go on vacation with my best friend to celebrate the 1/2 marathon we had just ran. I had met a guy on vacation at the same location last year and I was super excited to visit him again. While I was there I pretty much felt indestructible and we just used the pull out method. I came home from my trip and attributed my week and a half late period to my excessive exercise over the past month.  Finally on a Thursday,  after 2 weeks of being late I took 3 tests and they all where positive. I was devastated… “how could this happen to me?”

I was so upset and didn’t know where to turn so I went online. I found a local clinic that did abortions and didn’t hesitate to make an appointment that Saturday. I was all alone in my apartment until that appointment and that Friday I had experienced the worst panic attack of my life. I just kept seeing my parents faces as I told them .. and when I got nervous I went online  and found sites and resources abut abortions and feelings. Finally, Saturday came and I was beyond nervous. I walked into the clinic and I finally felt at ease, everyone was as nice as their patients said they were on their website. I went into to appointment knowing that I was at most 4 weeks along and having done research I decided I wanted a medial abortion.  I met with a councilor and talked about my options and I went home with an appointment that Tuesday to get the medical abortion. I went home and started to get nervous again about my decision so I went online I read and read reviews from women about the medical abortion and then decided it was not for me .  I called and switched to the surgical abortion with twilight sedation for an appointment that Wednesday.

As I walked into the clinic to get the abortion I was so nervous but I knew it would only last 2 to 5 min and I probably wouldn’t remember anything. I was waiting in the room with my best friend when they called my name along with another girls name. Myself the nurse and the other patient rose the elevator together and then myself and the other patient were in the waiting room together. I am outgoing and even when I am nervous you can’t shut me up so I started a conversation with the other patient it turned out that it was her second time getting an abortion she she helped to calm me down.  So next thing I knew they called my name so I went in and got an iv and then I was in the room all ready to go . Once they administered the medicine I didn’t remember anything . I just remembered sitting in the recovery room with the other nice girl from the waiting room.  Both of us had to wait 30 min before we could leave and I never got a chance to thank her for everything she did for me but just the nice smile and the you will be ok went a long way. I left the clinic and had minimal cramping and bleeding for the next 24 hours. I was up and back to work the next day.

I wanted to show through my story that it took less then I week for everything to be completed and that it did not hurt that bad for me .  I feel so empowered to know that I made the right choice for me.  I hope that if you are reading this and thinking about an abortion you will know that God loves you and always knows what it is in your heart. You are strong and can make the right decision for you and there is ALWAYS somewhere for you to turn for support or help . There are may wonderful pro-chocie websites and hotlines that are dedicated to supporting woman and their rights. Having an abortion was my CHOICE and I am so thankful to all of the people who have made it possible for me to have that option.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I?

5 weeks.


Thursday, November 4th, 2010

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…


My story…

I don’t think about my abortion very much. I’m very conscious of the fact that I’ve had one, and that somehow lumps me into one category rather than another, but I never feel an emotional connection to my abortion, or the child that would’ve existed if I hadn’t chosen abortion. Then recently, a friend emailed me and told me that several days ago she went back to the gynecologist’s office where we both had our abortions performed. She said, for some reason or another, that this time, instead of taking her to the examination room, they took her to the back room, where they perform the abortions. She couldn’t bear being there- she said she wanted to lash out, destroy the room, destroy the people in it and run out without getting her parking validated.

What I didn’t tell her is that I had been back to that room since my abortion, that I had sat on the examination table, my feet in the stirrups, and pleasantly chitchatted with the doctor. I knew it was the same room, and I had remembered everything that occured in it, but it just didn’t affect me. Just like I felt after my abortion, I couldn’t pretend to be sad, or grieving. I couldn’t pretend to be anything except really what I was- pissed that I made a mistake that took a toll on my body, pissed that I had to lie about it to the people in my life, and pissed that there was an element of shame present that there shouldn’t have been.

I’m sure I’ll come off as being heartless or something, but it’s just the truth. I wouldn’t choose to have an abortion, and I don’t want to have another abortion, but I had one, and I’m fine with it. And I know that’s just me. Everyone’s different. But for me, it’s as simple as the fact that, for whatever reason- lack of sex education, negligence, whatever- I got pregnant and had to have an abortion.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I?

Two months.

My girlfriend had an abortion

Friday, October 15th, 2010

We had the abortion about a year ago, before valentine’s day. She found out she was six weeks pregnant and we discussed what we wanted to do. We debated for awhile about whether to have it or not.  I did consider all the fun, exciting parts of having a child, but was also scared of the emotional and financial reality. I eventually told her that I wasn’t ready for a child. She agreed that she felt the same. Later she told me that she believed that was my way of telling her I shouldn’t be depended upon. Maybe she was right. We went back and forth for awhile. Neither of us could really decide who she be making the decision.  Neither of us wanted to be the one to say, lets have an abortion, lets have a baby. She finally said that if neither of us really wanted a child, we should have an abortion.I agreed. I was grateful that that’s what she decided.

That was pretty much the last active role that I played. She found a doctor, I’m not sure how. We went to see the doctor  and made an appointment for a week later. During that week, my gf became withdrawn and tense, and I became frustrated.I tried to speak with her about it, but she said that I couldn’t understand. She asked me to not tell anyone, and although I thought that was a bad idea, I agreed.

The day of the appointment we both took off work and I drove her to the office and went in with her. The doctor was an obgyn, and the waiting room was filled with babies. It wasn’t a positive experience. My girlfriend went into the appointment alone. When she came out, I was desperate to ask her questions, but I didn’t. We went out to lunch and she said she felt relieved.

It took awhile, but we eventually talked it through. She said she felt alone through the process and ashamed that she felt shame about having an abortion. She said it was confusing because a part of her did want the baby, but knew she couldn’t give it the life she wanted to, which brought up other issues.  I told her that I felt she shut me out and it was unfair to ask me to keep it a secret.  We both eventually talked about it with friends, which was definitely for the best.


Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Overwhelmed by shame and guilt. Fearful of judgement.

How I feel now…

At peace with my decision, grateful that I had the choice.

How old were you when you had your abortion?


My story…

It’s taken me a while to tell this story. I still barely tell it- it seems years pass and secrets seem to collect. This is one of those secrets. The story is probably fairly common-  I was raised in a Christian household, I didn’t know enough about birth control. I was told there were two types of women- the type that keep their legs shut and the type that regret not keeping their legs shut. Before my abortion  I was the former. After my abortion, I wasn’t sure anymore. Years later, I remember watching the movie “Juno” and hearing her father tell her “I thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when.” I so understood when she said “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” I definitely didn’t think I would be the girl who had an abortion.

I obviously couldn’t tell my family, so I asked the “father” to accompany me to the procedure. I remember feeling I had to beg him. I was overwhelmed by shame, and felt that this was inherently “my problem.” I was tormented by thoughts that I’d be punished for this, that I would be forever tarnished. I completely remember being overhwhelmed by my own guilt, but I barely remember the procedure.However, I remember asking him to pay for half of it (it was $300- a lot). After, I remember telling him that I’d pay him back when I had enough money.

I’m now fiercely pro-choice. I’m sad that I had to bear such shame and guilt for such a simple mistake and I hope other woman don’t, that other women will accept that a mistake is a mistake. However, it’s not so simple. I know. I’m pro-choice, but still not open about my abortion. I have shared it- I’ve told my mother, years later. She cried, and said she wished she had been there for me. And I told my daughter, who will hopefully learn from my mistakes and know that  I will always support her as she makes her own.

These Things Happen

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

My abortion isn’t something I’m ashamed of. I had taken precautions, I was on birth control, and I got pregnant. As my gynecologist assured me, these things happen. And they do. And you get through them, although it doesn’t always seem that way at the time.

I found out I was pregnant about six weeks in. I had no appetite but felt nauseous. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I took three more, and had a friend take one as well. Me- four pluses, her- one negative. I went to Planned Parenthood and decided to have a medical abortion. My appointment was set for ten days later, so I had ten days of resting with my decision. I gave it endless thought, but never wavered. But I was surprised by how much in awe of my body I was. For ten days, I was constantly aware that there were two people where there used to be one. I brought a friend to the appointment with me, but didn’t tell the boy I was dating or my parents. I didn’t suspect they would try to convince me otherwise, I just wanted it to be as simple and quick as possible. I took the RU-486 pills one day, and then the next, exactly as instructed. It was two long days, but I just kept telling myself- soon this will be over.

When I went back for my follow-up exam the next week, they did an ultrasound and told me that the pills hadn’t fully worked. I tried to grasp the concept- to what extent did they work? What existed inside me right now? They told me I’d have to have a surgical abortion and I made another appointment for four days later. I felt removed from it all. It was a surgery, a medical procedure. Any indecision or grief I could’ve experienced had to have already passed.

I returned for my surgical abortion and chose a local anesthetic. I watched them perform the surgery- several minutes, nothing more. I went home and rested and knew that it was finally all over.

I’m not ashamed of my abortion. If it comes up in conversation, I’ll easily talk about it. I share my story so other women in similar situations will know that they’ve done nothing wrong, that there are millions of women who have gone through it and that they are not alone.

A Third Child…

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

It’s strange the way life works- I spent my teens and twenties worrying about getting pregnant, only to learn, in my thirties, that it would be more difficult than I expected. My husband and I began the fertility route- hormones, in vitro, every test possible. Getting pregnant became, literally, a science, and a profound financial and emotional burden. I doubted my body and my ability to be a mother. I felt barren, physically and emotionally. It became too much of a toll and after six years, we stopped trying.

Then I got pregnant. That is the way life works. I gave birth to a healthy baby, a miracle. Quickly after, I became pregnant again. Another healthy child. I was, and continue to be, blessed. The children grew older. And then, years later, I became pregnant again. I was 41, and our economic situation was not once it once was. I knew the statistics about babies born to “older woman,” and I knew what a commitment a child was. And honestly, my husband and I didn’t want a third child. We didn’t want to sacrifice what we wanted, nor what we could provide our children. We recognized that this pregnancy was a miracle, but it was a miracle that came too late.  I cried, thinking of the children I had, of what my unborn baby could potentially be. But our situation was already tough, I was working two jobs, and I didn’t want to have a child I might potentially resent. I considered adoption, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to part with my baby after carrying it- emotion would trump reason. So we chose abortion.  I cried, and cried. I expected to continue crying- for days, weeks, months, years.

But ironically, I think all the years of fertility work prepared me for the abortion. It felt like any of the other thousands of doctors appointments. I felt numb afterwards. I had the same barren feeling I would get when I would look at the EPT tests and realize that they were negative. Except, this was my choice- a choice for myself, my children and our lifestyle. And I stood behind it.


Friday, July 16th, 2010

I had my abortion in 1962. Back then, abortion was illegal, and taboo. Not stigmatized like today, but completely taboo. You didn’t do it, but more so, you absolutely didn’t discuss it. Quickly after I found out I was pregnant I began attempting to find a doctor that performed abortions. Through a friend of a friend, I found one, and my boyfriend drove me to New York City to have it performed.We were both eighteen, and I was six weeks pregnant.

The abortion cost 400 dollars, which, even by today’s standards, is expensive. I went to a doctor’s office after the practice was shut for the day. The doctor was kind. We paid him in cash and my boyfriend sat in the waiting room while I followed the doctor through the empty office. The procedure took about forty minutes and was excrutiatingly painful. The doctor told me I would have to be quiet and I somehow managed not to scream. I remember feeling that I deserved the pain, that I had called this situation upon myself.

Afterwards, I rejoined my boyfriend in the lobby. The doctor told us to have a good meal and then gave me a bag of candies. I’ll always remember that. I always wanted to know- who were those candies intended for? Did he give them to all his “patients?”  Several years later my boyfriend and I married, and two years later I gave birth to a daughter. I had two more children, another girl and a boy.

My children have grown older, and the world has changed. I’ve watched abortion become, however debated, legal, and watch as generations of women accept the right to choose as a give-in. I’ve volunteered at women’s clinics and taught my children about the importance of birth control and a woman’s right to choose. I’ve often thought about the child I didn’t have.  But more so, I think about how grateful I am that I no longer have to carry around the burden of a taboo- that I can speak publicly, or online, or with my family and not be fearful of judgment, let alone legal consequence. But I’m also saddened about the women who still don’t have access to legal abortions and have to face the fear, dangers and complications of illegal abortions.

First Steps

Friday, July 9th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Not really present, ashamed, scared someone would find out.

How I feel now…

Relieved. Grateful.

My story…

First off, I should say that I was raised in a very religious family. Strangely enough, eventually my parents got divorced and I lived with my mom for most of my childhood. I was seventeen when I got pregnant. My mother had no idea I had been having sex with my boyfriend of three years, and I didn’t really want to get into it with her. Almost immediately, I knew I wanted an abortion. It was strange, considering how I spent most of my life hearing that abortion was the quickest one way ticket to hell. It’s strange to say, but I think that was my first real step to being my own person- I knew I didn’t want to be the person I was told I should be. I knew I wanted to get out of the town I lived in and sadly, away from my family. I just always thought my boyfriend would be a part of the great escape plan.

There weren’t many people for me to tell. Well, there were a lot of people, but none that I could actually tell about it. That part was hard. I hate lying, and there were suddenly a lot of lies to tell- covering up for feeling sick, for not having money (I was saving it), for why I wasn’t drinking at parties. It was almost disassociating- like I had already taken steps away from the life I was a part of. Finally there was the biggest lie- where was I spending a whole weekend- one day with my boyfriend at Planned Parenthood, another to recover. I told my mother I was going with friends to visit a friends sister at college. She had a fit and I held my ground. None of this made anything any easier. (more…)

A Serious Relationship

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Kind of sad. Really frightened.

How I feel now…

Sad still. Relieved also. Different.

My story…

My boyfriend and I were madly in love. I was only 16, he was 20, but we knew we would be together forever. I was a virgin when I met him, but he wasn’t. After four months together, we took the next step and had sex. For some reason, I never really even thought about birth control. Sometimes we used condoms, sometimes we didn’t. It only took two months for me to get pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately wanted to keep the baby. I told my boyfriend and he started crying. He wanted to keep it too. We decided we would move in together and do whatever it takes to take care of our child. But the next day I went to school and thought about what that really means. I was a good student, and I had plans to be the first person in my family to go to college. I thought about asking my mom, but I wasn’t sure I wanted her advice or wanted to know what she thought. She had me when she was my age, and might not understand me not wanting to do the same thing. (more…)