Sorry Story
How I felt at the time…
Awful, confused, but also relieved. sad.
How I feel now…
Like i made the right decision.
My story…
I wish this story weren’t so hard for me to tell. I wish I could shout it at a rally! Or just tell it quietly to a friend. Or, at the very least, sign my name to it here. But I can’t. Or I won’t. I choose not to because it is still too difficult for me to admit. Still too difficult for me to remember, let alone discuss.
I have been staunchly Pro Choice since I understood what that meant. I worked at Planned Parenthood in high school, wrote letters to politicians, signed petitions, passed out information pamphlets, and debated my position in a very conservative state. But when I made the choice to personally institute my ideology, I suddenly shut up. I couldn’t talk about it.
I had an abortion.
Even typing it makes me nervous.
It’s been almost two years, and the thing I remember most vividly is the indomitable and invaluable support given to me by a dear friend. She recommended a doctor. She took me home after the procedure. She made me macaroni and cheese. We watched movies and talked about anything else. To this day, I can remember how only her presence kept me from cracking.
The image that sticks out in my mind of the procedure is a dark one. I remember being left alone in the room to dress. When I stood up, blood dripped down my legs and I realized there was a red plastic bag beneath me that read ‘Hazardous Waste’. I couldn’t help but imagine what was inside and what it might have become… What had I chosen to make ‘Hazardous Waste’? Now I know better. I did not choose to waste anything, anyone. I chose not to waste! Not to waste my choice to carry and deliver into the world a human being at a time when I was not prepared to do so. Now I choose not to waste my life regretting that choice. I admit it was a difficult decision. I am ashamed that I was not stronger, embarrassed that I am not more open. However, I am certain that I made the right choice. If I had to go back, I would do it again. And I will stand by any friend of mine who finds herself in a similar position just as a cherished comrade once stood by me.