Secrets
How I felt at the time…
Overwhelmed by shame and guilt. Fearful of judgement.
How I feel now…
At peace with my decision, grateful that I had the choice.
How old were you when you had your abortion?
17
My story…
It’s taken me a while to tell this story. I still barely tell it- it seems years pass and secrets seem to collect. This is one of those secrets. The story is probably fairly common- I was raised in a Christian household, I didn’t know enough about birth control. I was told there were two types of women- the type that keep their legs shut and the type that regret not keeping their legs shut. Before my abortion I was the former. After my abortion, I wasn’t sure anymore. Years later, I remember watching the movie “Juno” and hearing her father tell her “I thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when.” I so understood when she said “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” I definitely didn’t think I would be the girl who had an abortion.
I obviously couldn’t tell my family, so I asked the “father” to accompany me to the procedure. I remember feeling I had to beg him. I was overwhelmed by shame, and felt that this was inherently “my problem.” I was tormented by thoughts that I’d be punished for this, that I would be forever tarnished. I completely remember being overhwhelmed by my own guilt, but I barely remember the procedure.However, I remember asking him to pay for half of it (it was $300- a lot). After, I remember telling him that I’d pay him back when I had enough money.
I’m now fiercely pro-choice. I’m sad that I had to bear such shame and guilt for such a simple mistake and I hope other woman don’t, that other women will accept that a mistake is a mistake. However, it’s not so simple. I know. I’m pro-choice, but still not open about my abortion. I have shared it- I’ve told my mother, years later. She cried, and said she wished she had been there for me. And I told my daughter, who will hopefully learn from my mistakes and know that I will always support her as she makes her own.