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Over the Hills and Far Away

How I felt at the time…

Sad, deflated, confused, yet extremely lucky to have a boyfriend that was/is so supportive

How I feel now…

Still sad and at times extremely emotional about it.  Somewhat relieved.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I?

10 weeks.

Who did I tell?

My boss, my best friend and my sister.

My story…

“In two days it will be 2 months since I had my abortion.  About 4 months ago I fell in love.  Head over heels.  I’ve known Dan for almost two years.  We worked together.  I always thought he was kind of an asshole.  For some crazy reason we decided to hang out, and from that day forward I haven’t looked back.
The night before I found out I was pregnant I got really sick.  I surprised him when he got back from work and ordered our favorite kind of pizza with ice cream and breadsticks and pop.  As soon as we sat down and started eating I got kind of nauseous and odd feeling.  I tried to conceal the fact that I was feeling really weird so as not to ruin our dinner together.  But it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it anymore.  I ended up crouched on the floor.  He didn’t leave my side.  He was very attentive.  I had no idea what was wrong.  Well actually, I did.  I knew I was late for my period.  We finally ended up falling asleep.  He had to work the next day.  Almost as soon as he left, I went to buy a pregnancy test.  I just wanted to clear my mind and just be sure I wasn’t pregnant.  Almost as soon as I got back, and before I had taken my test, he called me and begged me to go to the hospital (because of the night before).  About 15 minutes after I hung up with him, I took the test.  Almost immediately it came back as positive.  I am pretty positive my heart skipped a beat.  Maybe two. 
I cried.  I could not wait for him to get home from work.  I knew I couldn’t sit at his apartment all day and wait to tell him.  I needed to see him.  I needed him to comfort me.  But then I thought about what his reaction would be.  Would he be angry?  Would he break up with me?
I called him and told him I desperately needed to talk to him, but I couldn’t talk to him over the phone.  He said he would call me back in 10 minutes.  He called me back in 10 minutes and he was already on the highway.
Then I started freaking out about what I was going to say.  I looked like complete garbage.  I figured I would try and soften the blow by trying to look half way decent…so I combed my hair, ran the straightener through it and put some makeup on.  It didn’t help much.  My eyes were already puffy and streaky from crying.  I then made the bed and sat indian style on it.  I waited.  It seemed like 5 hours before I heard him come in the front door.  It sounded like he almost ran back to the bedroom.  He opened the door slowly and looked at me.  He took his coat off as he walked over to the bed.  He threw his coat on the floor and sat down next to me.  He looked very concerned as he grabbed my hands in his and asked me what was going on.  I cried into his chest.  I covered my face and just sobbed into his shirt.  I remember when he pulled my face up to look at me, I saw the wet spot that I had left on the front of his work shirt. 
“”I’m pregnant,”” I said as I burst into tears again.  He just held me.  He held me really tightly.  I literally just sobbed for a few minutes.  He caressed my back and kept saying “”everything is going to be okay””. 

I was astounded at how well he was taking the news.  He asked me if he could get up for just a second.  He went into his closet and changed out of his work clothes. 
We laid in bed all day and discussed everything from how I knew I was pregnant to him insisting that the next day we were going to the doctor to make sure I was okay, to what our realistic options were. 
The day that we decided on setting the appointment for was the only day that we had off together after three weeks of emotional discussions on what we wanted to do.  It just so happened that it was going to be the day before his 32nd birthday. 
That morning I woke up.  I washed my face.  I showered.  Got dressed.  It was like clockwork.  There was no more emotion that morning than if I was getting ready to go to work.  I didn’t want to be late, because I am never late.  He was running behind, and I got anxious…specifically because I didn’t want to be late. 
We got there.  An armed guard made us walk through a metal detector.  I poured the contents of my purse out in front of him.  He ran a wand over Dan to make sure he wasn’t concealing any weapons.  He instructed us to go to the 2nd floor.  We were then instructed to take a seat in the waiting room and someone would call my name to collect the rest of the fee.  It was then that everything became magnified.  He sat next to me.  His hand on my thigh.  We didn’t look at each other.  He was the only guy or significant other in the room.  I looked down the hallway and wondered if this is really what I wanted to do.  I held back the tears welling up in my eyes.  I did not want to cry in front of all these women that appeared to be emotionless.  After the remainder of my fee was collected I was instructed to sit back down in the waiting room and someone would come get me to go up to the procedure room.  I continued to stare in the opposite direction of Dan.  Down the hallway.  Holding back tears.  I bit my lip and just tried not to cry. 
My name was called.  Dan and I immediately stood up.  He grabbed my purse and coat and we both walked towards her.  She said that he had to wait there.  I lost my breath.  I did not want to go alone.  I walked with her while at the same time looking over my shoulder.  I remember I literally reached out for him, but it was too late, she had already guided me out into the hallway and in front of the elevator.
I sat in another small waiting room for what felt like 3 hours.  There were posters on the wall that said we all make our own choices in life.  That it is a womans right.  Basically that everything was going to be okay.  It kind of made me feel better to think of other women that sat in that same small room and read those same posters hanging on the wall.  Finally a woman called my name and led me through a secured door into what looked like an emergency room.  There were curtains covering small “”rooms”” and a central desk area where all of the nurses convened.  I was led to a curtained area.  There were magazines and boxes of tissues.  I was given the medication that would mildly sedate me and possibly lessen the pain of the procedure.  I was told that it would take about 45 minutes to set in.  I pretend read a magazine, but all I could really think about were time frames.  I probably sat in the small waiting room for 45 minutes.  I would probably sit in this curtained area for another 45 minutes.  The procedure itself would maybe take 20 minutes?  How long would Dan have to wait?  Would he be mad that he had to wait by himself all this time?  Was he hungry?  I was consumed with these thoughts that worried about him.  Then things started to get fuzzy.  I became extremely relaxed when a nurse came over with a wheelchair.  She said she was going to be with me all the way through the procedure.  She helped me into the wheelchair and rolled me down a hallway into the room that would be where I had my abortion. 
She held my hand.  The doctor came in.  It was a she.  This made me feel better.  5 minutes after the doctor walked in, she was walking out.  It was done.  That fast.  My nurse that held my hand helped me get dressed.  I sat on the table while she gathered up some disposables and threw them away.  She asked if I had any questions or if I needed anything.  I asked her if it was okay to cry.  She turned around and said “”Of course””.  I then sobbed into my hands.  She helped me back into the wheelchair as I was crying.  She grabbed me some tissues and then rolled me back out into the room that looked like an emergency room.  I remember looking at the faces of all the other women sitting in that small room.  No one else was crying.  No one even looked distraught.  Maybe it was the medicine.  I was rolled back to a reclining chair behind a curtain.  Same magazines and same box of tissues.  I was glad there were tissues because I had tears running into my mouth.  I continued to cry.  By myself, behind a curtain.  A different nurse came over and asked me if I had any questions.  I asked her when I could see Dan again.  She told me in about an hour.  They had to monitor my blood pressure and my bleeding before they could let me go.  This made me cry harder.  All I wanted to do was feel his arms around me.  This would make me feel better.  I waited.  I cried.  I waited some more.  They said I wasn’t bleeding too bad and my blood pressure, after they had checked it 3 times was normal.  They said they were going to bring Dan up from the 2nd floor so I could go home.  I was wheeled back out to the small waiting room with the uplifting posters.  I got out of the wheelchair, and there he was.  I couldn’t and still can’t decipher the look on his face.  It seemed like a mixture of concern and protectiveness.  Maybe some relief that he was no longer sitting in the waiting room on the second floor.  I held back my tears long enough for us to get into the elevator.  As soon as the elevator door slid closed I buried my face into his chest and sobbed.  I was so happy to see him yet so emotional about what had just taken place.  He pulled my face up between his hands and looked me in the eyes.  He told me everything was going to be okay.  I believed him.  He held onto me tightly as we walked off the elevator and out into the parking lot.  Before we got into the car he embraced me outside the passenger side door.  He kissed my forehead before opening the door for me and helping me inside. 
Looking back, two months after, this has been the first time that I have truly gotten emotional since that weekend.  I don’t regret my decision.  It was the right thing for this point in our lives and at this point in our relationship.  It is just difficult because I often wonder what the baby would have looked like.  What I would feel like now had I not done what I did.  Would my belly at this point be starting to show? 
Dan doesn’t talk about it.  He only talks about it when I talk about it.  I think he doesn’t because he doesn’t want to upset me.  We talked a long time the other night about it.  I cried.  I was sad.  He said that he wants me to promise to talk to him about any emotions I have about it.  He wants to know that I am okay.  He told me that I am not a bad person and that he hopes I don’t feel bad about myself for the decision we made.  I don’t.  I just wish it would have been the time for us to have a baby.  It wasn’t.  I will probably never get over the whole incident.  I don’t think it is something that I ever want to forget.  I would worry more about myself if I didn’t get upset about it.  I hope and pray that someday in the future that Dan and I can have what we couldn’t have this time around.  I hope and pray that we will be given another chance to have a baby together.  Someday.

One Response to “Over the Hills and Far Away”

  1. Annalisa Says:

    Hi there…I wanted say you are a beautiful soul. I have gone through a very similar experience to yours and reading yours was a really good thing for me. I got very emotional and began to remember the emotions I was having during the time of my abortion. It was good. I also got to thinking about my partner and how he felt about things then and now. I think the way you talked about how your partner acted was something I really needed to hear from someone else…it helps me understand that mine wasn’t the only one who seemed to act the way he did.

    I can really relate in that I don’t want to forget my experience and that I wish it would have been my time. I can honestly say that having an abortion really defined who I’ll be for the rest of my life. I truly believe I have a beautiful life today. The past and the future are inexistent.

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