It’s strange the way life works- I spent my teens and twenties worrying about getting pregnant, only to learn, in my thirties, that it would be more difficult than I expected. My husband and I began the fertility route- hormones, in vitro, every test possible. Getting pregnant became, literally, a science, and a profound financial and emotional burden. I doubted my body and my ability to be a mother. I felt barren, physically and emotionally. It became too much of a toll and after six years, we stopped trying.

Then I got pregnant. That is the way life works. I gave birth to a healthy baby, a miracle. Quickly after, I became pregnant again. Another healthy child. I was, and continue to be, blessed. The children grew older. And then, years later, I became pregnant again. I was 41, and our economic situation was not once it once was. I knew the statistics about babies born to “older woman,” and I knew what a commitment a child was. And honestly, my husband and I didn’t want a third child. We didn’t want to sacrifice what we wanted, nor what we could provide our children. We recognized that this pregnancy was a miracle, but it was a miracle that came too late.  I cried, thinking of the children I had, of what my unborn baby could potentially be. But our situation was already tough, I was working two jobs, and I didn’t want to have a child I might potentially resent. I considered adoption, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to part with my baby after carrying it- emotion would trump reason. So we chose abortion.  I cried, and cried. I expected to continue crying- for days, weeks, months, years.

But ironically, I think all the years of fertility work prepared me for the abortion. It felt like any of the other thousands of doctors appointments. I felt numb afterwards. I had the same barren feeling I would get when I would look at the EPT tests and realize that they were negative. Except, this was my choice- a choice for myself, my children and our lifestyle. And I stood behind it.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 19th, 2010 at 2:13 pm and is filed under 1-2 months, Stories from Mothers, Surgical Abortions. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.