How I felt at the time…

Numb.

How I feel now…

Sad but relieved.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

19 1/2

Who did I tell?

Only my family.

I am a sophomore in college – only 19, and had been dating the man I intend to marry for 7 months (he is 28) when I discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant. For 2 weeks I thought I’d keep it- but 2 ER visits, 5 ultrasounds, and 6 blood draws later I had enough. I was diagnosed with a septate uterus- which means I have a septum that splits my uterus. People with my condition have anywhere from a 4-84% chance of miscarrying their child, delivering a stillborn in the 2nd trimester, or a premature birth.

I loved my baby, I even named it. The Dad loved it too. My father was supportive of my decision while my mom practically disowned me as she is a pro lifer while I am pro choice. I never wanted to get rid of my baby. But I didn’t even know if it’d survive and me and my boyfriend can barely afford our house together.

The staff and Doctor were really nice, they put me to sleep for the procedure- I woke up  alone in a recovery room- I had slight amnesia apparently I had taken some pills for pain and had a small discussion but I don’t recall it- the nurse informed me. The pain was the most horrible cramping ever… but the lortab they gave me started working an hour later and it went away. As I write this I got the abortion today. It was the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

I love you, little baby. And I hope that once I get my defective uterus surgically fixed I will be able to be blessed with a healthy child.

Today I read the news and cry. I cry because I hear the attack not just on abortion, but on women’s access to health care. Yes, I had my abortion at Planned Parenthood. Yes, it was a necessity. Planned Parenthood offered me affordable access when no one else would. And it’s been years since then and in those years I get my annual exam at Planned Parenthood. I get testing and cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood. I have not seen another doctor in five years. I can’t afford to see another doctor. I rely on Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood offers me choices when no one else will.

And so I cry, not only because of the dangerous and violent direction this country is heading, but because of the dangerous and violent place the world already is, and always has been, for women. When did we become so deeply backwards? When did we accept the rape, the physical and mental abuse against women as normal? When did we turn a blind eye? Once we vote upon women’s decisions, women’s rights, women’s bodies as something other than their own, we vote upon the chance for others to make them their own. See Haiti. See South Africa. See the whole world, women going to grave and lethal measures to protect themselves, to free themselves of rape and abuse, to free themselves of being someone else’s property and the brunt of someone else’s decision. Today I read the news and cry, for myself and for women everywhere. But then I wipe away my tears and make a promise to myself and women everywhere. Some women don’t have the option to fight. But I do, and I will.

sign the open letter to Congress asking them to protect Planned Parenthood’s funding: https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_ws_I_Stand_with_PP&s_src=istandwithPP_home&__utma=1.1658403730.1298142382.1298142382.1298142382.1&__utmb=1.3.10.1298142382&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1298142382.1.1.utmcsr=%28direct%29|utmccn=%28direct%29|utmcmd=%28none%29&__utmv=-&__utmk=72308883

How I felt at the time…

Sad, deflated, confused, yet extremely lucky to have a boyfriend that was/is so supportive

How I feel now…

Still sad and at times extremely emotional about it.  Somewhat relieved.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

26

How far along was I?

10 weeks.

Who did I tell?

My boss, my best friend and my sister.

My story…

“In two days it will be 2 months since I had my abortion.  About 4 months ago I fell in love.  Head over heels.  I’ve known Dan for almost two years.  We worked together.  I always thought he was kind of an asshole.  For some crazy reason we decided to hang out, and from that day forward I haven’t looked back.
The night before I found out I was pregnant I got really sick.  I surprised him when he got back from work and ordered our favorite kind of pizza with ice cream and breadsticks and pop.  As soon as we sat down and started eating I got kind of nauseous and odd feeling.  I tried to conceal the fact that I was feeling really weird so as not to ruin our dinner together.  But it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it anymore.  I ended up crouched on the floor.  He didn’t leave my side.  He was very attentive.  I had no idea what was wrong.  Well actually, I did.  I knew I was late for my period.  We finally ended up falling asleep.  He had to work the next day.  Almost as soon as he left, I went to buy a pregnancy test.  I just wanted to clear my mind and just be sure I wasn’t pregnant.  Almost as soon as I got back, and before I had taken my test, he called me and begged me to go to the hospital (because of the night before).  About 15 minutes after I hung up with him, I took the test.  Almost immediately it came back as positive.  I am pretty positive my heart skipped a beat.  Maybe two. 
I cried.  I could not wait for him to get home from work.  I knew I couldn’t sit at his apartment all day and wait to tell him.  I needed to see him.  I needed him to comfort me.  But then I thought about what his reaction would be.  Would he be angry?  Would he break up with me?
I called him and told him I desperately needed to talk to him, but I couldn’t talk to him over the phone.  He said he would call me back in 10 minutes.  He called me back in 10 minutes and he was already on the highway.
Then I started freaking out about what I was going to say.  I looked like complete garbage.  I figured I would try and soften the blow by trying to look half way decent…so I combed my hair, ran the straightener through it and put some makeup on.  It didn’t help much.  My eyes were already puffy and streaky from crying.  I then made the bed and sat indian style on it.  I waited.  It seemed like 5 hours before I heard him come in the front door.  It sounded like he almost ran back to the bedroom.  He opened the door slowly and looked at me.  He took his coat off as he walked over to the bed.  He threw his coat on the floor and sat down next to me.  He looked very concerned as he grabbed my hands in his and asked me what was going on.  I cried into his chest.  I covered my face and just sobbed into his shirt.  I remember when he pulled my face up to look at me, I saw the wet spot that I had left on the front of his work shirt. 
“”I’m pregnant,”” I said as I burst into tears again.  He just held me.  He held me really tightly.  I literally just sobbed for a few minutes.  He caressed my back and kept saying “”everything is going to be okay””. 

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How I felt at the time…

Stupid, scared, confused

How I feel now…

At peace

Who I told…

My best guy friend, my sister, my stepmom, and my dad

Who came with me to my abortion…

My stepdad

How old was I…

20

My story…

When the word “Pregnant” showed up on that pee stick I thought my world was over. I saw my college and professional careers go down the tube. I saw many of my relationships crumble or strain. I saw the looks of disappointment on many of my family members faces. I saw my world end. All of this flooding my mind in what seemed like ten minutes, but was only ten seconds. Yes, I was probably overreacting, but I’m 20 and in college… It tends to happen. As I put my hand on my belly and put the test up to the light for the tenth time to make sure I wasn’t misreading it, I knew in the back of my head there was no way that I could keep it. It wasn’t the right time in my life at all. I was getting ready to start my junior year of college. There was no way I could financially or academically take off a semester, let alone a year of school to be pregnant.  It wasn’t possible.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room to break the news to my dad. As tears began to run down my face he got up and hugged me. He promised me that no matter what my decision was he was behind me the whole way through. He kept his promise, taking me to all of the appointments and supporting me through it all.
Since then I’ve had to deal with friends who don’t know about what happened making comments about abortions and people who get them, throwing around terms like “baby killers” and “heartless” like nothings. I’ve had to walk through the demonstrations by our on-campus “pro-life” group. It’s become easier to brush these aside and not let them hurt me, but it still happens. The thing is I’m not heartless. Hell, I’m going to school to be a teacher! I also practically raised my baby sister. That’s exactly how I knew I wasn’t ready. I just remind myself that those people don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They don’t know how I felt or what I experienced. I’m at peace with myself, and to me that’s all that matters.
What it all comes down to what that It was my decision and my life. I can’t change my decision, nor would I ever. I followed my head and my heart, and my story would have been completely different if I hadn’t.

How I felt at the time…

confused, sick, in a false content mood.

How I feel now…

depressed, but at peace.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

14

How far along was I?

8 weeks.

Who came with me to the abortion?

My mom.

My story…

I was 14, and extremely naive. Knew nothing, wanted nothing, except to be a mother. I dreamed of it. One day I slept over at my best friend’s house, and i woke up extremely nauseous. i ran to her bathroom and threw up. At that time i knew. I told her about me and my on-off boyfriend at the time, and she called her cousin to take us to Wal-mart for a pregnancy test. I went home later that day, and took it. Two lines appeared. Two. The test was positive. i called to tell my boyfriend. He was excited, and he told me that he would do whatever he could to support me and the baby. we even decided on names. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was shocked, and excited, and scared. i instanly was attached. When my mom wasn’t home, i’d play music in headphones and press them to my tummy so my baby could hear. Even though my baby’s ears weren’t developed yet, it was a comforting feeling. But as i went along, i started throwing up more often. My mom was worried at first. I knew I would have to tell her, but she had figured it out before i was ready to tell her. She was so mad and depressed, she instantly pressed me to “take care of it”, and shoved the phonebook at me and forced me to call. The increased stress was hard on both of us. She walked about the house, threatening that she wanted to kill herself, and I was terrifed. But i could do nothing more than lay on the bathroom floor, feeling so weak. My strenght was gone, pure gone. I knew it wasn’t the baby’s fault, he was just an innocent victim of a terrible mistacke, and for that, i wanted to make it up to him. i wanted to keep him, and be the best mommy i could. But I didn’t want is to come about it this way. The night before my appointment, i stood up to my mom and told her i was keeping the baby. she threw the phone at me and told me to call my aunt. She was supportive of any decision I made, and asked me many questions to help me untangle the tangled thoughts in my head. After talking with her and my cousin (who had a baby at 17) I knew what i had to do.

I loved this baby, would give my life for him, but i knew i could never give him the life he deserved. my friend and I agreed that I was giving my baby to God. i remember throwing up in a plastic bag before i walked into the clinic, and some guy come to me, shovved a piece of paper at me, and told me i was making a selfish coice. All i could think of, is “You don’t know me, you don’t know my situation, and i feel terrible of what i have to do, but what gives you the right to make me feel worse? I will suffer in my own way. Mind your own buisness.” I was given an ultrasound, and I had pictures of my baby given to me. my mom took them and put them in her purse. I went back and sompleted the procedure, which was difficult and painful, all i can remember is a lady by me that kept saying “take a deep breath; blow it all the way out” I did as she asked. Afterwards, my nausea ceased, and i had put myself into a false content state, to fool everyone that I was stable. I just wanted out. I left the clinic, got in the car, and covered myself with what was supposed to be my baby’s blanked. When I got home, My mother put the pictures of my pretty baby in the filing cabinet. I locked myself away in my room, and slept for 4 hours. When i woke up, she was gone, and I tokk the pictures out of the filing cabinet. I keep them in my favorite book, on the page of my Estimated due date. After that, I cried all night for four weeks. And I still do. But I have come to peace with it, My baby is with God. For awhile i felt like i was forbidden from entering a church, but my good friend told me that i was forgiven, and i belived her.  I’m still learning to forgive myself, but i always come to the fact that i will never really forgive myself. i just wanted to tell my story, because i know that if someone had told me, “I know it hurts, but if you feel that this is the best thing for the baby, god will forgive you, and you can resume living in harmony.” I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing. Last night, i had a dream that i was holding my baby; It was a beautiful girl. She was at peace, but all i could do was cry. I don’t know why i was crying. When i woke up, i closed my eyes and begged my memory to let me see her again. But she was gone. As long as she is safe, i am at a slight peace.

How I felt at the time…

Angry at myself.

How I feel now…

Proud that I have a choice.

My story…

Honestly I am just looking for a place to share my story and provide hope and love to those who are going through the same thing I went through.  I guess you can stay I started my journey running 13.1 miles and then hopping on a plane the next day  to go on vacation with my best friend to celebrate the 1/2 marathon we had just ran. I had met a guy on vacation at the same location last year and I was super excited to visit him again. While I was there I pretty much felt indestructible and we just used the pull out method. I came home from my trip and attributed my week and a half late period to my excessive exercise over the past month.  Finally on a Thursday,  after 2 weeks of being late I took 3 tests and they all where positive. I was devastated… “how could this happen to me?”

I was so upset and didn’t know where to turn so I went online. I found a local clinic that did abortions and didn’t hesitate to make an appointment that Saturday. I was all alone in my apartment until that appointment and that Friday I had experienced the worst panic attack of my life. I just kept seeing my parents faces as I told them .. and when I got nervous I went online  and found sites and resources abut abortions and feelings. Finally, Saturday came and I was beyond nervous. I walked into the clinic and I finally felt at ease, everyone was as nice as their patients said they were on their website. I went into to appointment knowing that I was at most 4 weeks along and having done research I decided I wanted a medial abortion.  I met with a councilor and talked about my options and I went home with an appointment that Tuesday to get the medical abortion. I went home and started to get nervous again about my decision so I went online I read and read reviews from women about the medical abortion and then decided it was not for me .  I called and switched to the surgical abortion with twilight sedation for an appointment that Wednesday.

As I walked into the clinic to get the abortion I was so nervous but I knew it would only last 2 to 5 min and I probably wouldn’t remember anything. I was waiting in the room with my best friend when they called my name along with another girls name. Myself the nurse and the other patient rose the elevator together and then myself and the other patient were in the waiting room together. I am outgoing and even when I am nervous you can’t shut me up so I started a conversation with the other patient it turned out that it was her second time getting an abortion she she helped to calm me down.  So next thing I knew they called my name so I went in and got an iv and then I was in the room all ready to go . Once they administered the medicine I didn’t remember anything . I just remembered sitting in the recovery room with the other nice girl from the waiting room.  Both of us had to wait 30 min before we could leave and I never got a chance to thank her for everything she did for me but just the nice smile and the you will be ok went a long way. I left the clinic and had minimal cramping and bleeding for the next 24 hours. I was up and back to work the next day.

I wanted to show through my story that it took less then I week for everything to be completed and that it did not hurt that bad for me .  I feel so empowered to know that I made the right choice for me.  I hope that if you are reading this and thinking about an abortion you will know that God loves you and always knows what it is in your heart. You are strong and can make the right decision for you and there is ALWAYS somewhere for you to turn for support or help . There are may wonderful pro-chocie websites and hotlines that are dedicated to supporting woman and their rights. Having an abortion was my CHOICE and I am so thankful to all of the people who have made it possible for me to have that option.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

24

How far along was I?

5 weeks.

How I felt at the time…

Fine.

How I feel now…

Fine.

My story…

I don’t think about my abortion very much. I’m very conscious of the fact that I’ve had one, and that somehow lumps me into one category rather than another, but I never feel an emotional connection to my abortion, or the child that would’ve existed if I hadn’t chosen abortion. Then recently, a friend emailed me and told me that several days ago she went back to the gynecologist’s office where we both had our abortions performed. She said, for some reason or another, that this time, instead of taking her to the examination room, they took her to the back room, where they perform the abortions. She couldn’t bear being there- she said she wanted to lash out, destroy the room, destroy the people in it and run out without getting her parking validated.

What I didn’t tell her is that I had been back to that room since my abortion, that I had sat on the examination table, my feet in the stirrups, and pleasantly chitchatted with the doctor. I knew it was the same room, and I had remembered everything that occured in it, but it just didn’t affect me. Just like I felt after my abortion, I couldn’t pretend to be sad, or grieving. I couldn’t pretend to be anything except really what I was- pissed that I made a mistake that took a toll on my body, pissed that I had to lie about it to the people in my life, and pissed that there was an element of shame present that there shouldn’t have been.

I’m sure I’ll come off as being heartless or something, but it’s just the truth. I wouldn’t choose to have an abortion, and I don’t want to have another abortion, but I had one, and I’m fine with it. And I know that’s just me. Everyone’s different. But for me, it’s as simple as the fact that, for whatever reason- lack of sex education, negligence, whatever- I got pregnant and had to have an abortion.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

24.

How far along was I?

Two months.

We had the abortion about a year ago, before valentine’s day. She found out she was six weeks pregnant and we discussed what we wanted to do. We debated for awhile about whether to have it or not.  I did consider all the fun, exciting parts of having a child, but was also scared of the emotional and financial reality. I eventually told her that I wasn’t ready for a child. She agreed that she felt the same. Later she told me that she believed that was my way of telling her I shouldn’t be depended upon. Maybe she was right. We went back and forth for awhile. Neither of us could really decide who she be making the decision.  Neither of us wanted to be the one to say, lets have an abortion, lets have a baby. She finally said that if neither of us really wanted a child, we should have an abortion.I agreed. I was grateful that that’s what she decided.

That was pretty much the last active role that I played. She found a doctor, I’m not sure how. We went to see the doctor  and made an appointment for a week later. During that week, my gf became withdrawn and tense, and I became frustrated.I tried to speak with her about it, but she said that I couldn’t understand. She asked me to not tell anyone, and although I thought that was a bad idea, I agreed.

The day of the appointment we both took off work and I drove her to the office and went in with her. The doctor was an obgyn, and the waiting room was filled with babies. It wasn’t a positive experience. My girlfriend went into the appointment alone. When she came out, I was desperate to ask her questions, but I didn’t. We went out to lunch and she said she felt relieved.

It took awhile, but we eventually talked it through. She said she felt alone through the process and ashamed that she felt shame about having an abortion. She said it was confusing because a part of her did want the baby, but knew she couldn’t give it the life she wanted to, which brought up other issues.  I told her that I felt she shut me out and it was unfair to ask me to keep it a secret.  We both eventually talked about it with friends, which was definitely for the best.

How I felt at the time…

Overwhelmed by shame and guilt. Fearful of judgement.

How I feel now…

At peace with my decision, grateful that I had the choice.

How old were you when you had your abortion?

17

My story…

It’s taken me a while to tell this story. I still barely tell it- it seems years pass and secrets seem to collect. This is one of those secrets. The story is probably fairly common-  I was raised in a Christian household, I didn’t know enough about birth control. I was told there were two types of women- the type that keep their legs shut and the type that regret not keeping their legs shut. Before my abortion  I was the former. After my abortion, I wasn’t sure anymore. Years later, I remember watching the movie “Juno” and hearing her father tell her “I thought you were the kind of girl that knew when to say when.” I so understood when she said “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” I definitely didn’t think I would be the girl who had an abortion.

I obviously couldn’t tell my family, so I asked the “father” to accompany me to the procedure. I remember feeling I had to beg him. I was overwhelmed by shame, and felt that this was inherently “my problem.” I was tormented by thoughts that I’d be punished for this, that I would be forever tarnished. I completely remember being overhwhelmed by my own guilt, but I barely remember the procedure.However, I remember asking him to pay for half of it (it was $300- a lot). After, I remember telling him that I’d pay him back when I had enough money.

I’m now fiercely pro-choice. I’m sad that I had to bear such shame and guilt for such a simple mistake and I hope other woman don’t, that other women will accept that a mistake is a mistake. However, it’s not so simple. I know. I’m pro-choice, but still not open about my abortion. I have shared it- I’ve told my mother, years later. She cried, and said she wished she had been there for me. And I told my daughter, who will hopefully learn from my mistakes and know that  I will always support her as she makes her own.

How old were you when you had your abortion?

15.

How I felt at the time…

Fine.

How I feel now…

Fine.

My story…

When I was a 15 year-old high school sophomore, I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I had been using condoms, but not consistently (clearly.) I had not actually thought anything about my missing period – a friend who had been worrying over her being late and my mom had to trigger my interest and intuition. I started being exhausted and craving eggs and jalapenos, so my BF and I trekked to the planned parenthood for a test. They asked what options I wanted if it turned out positive, and abortion was the only thing I wanted.

I was NOT going to make my life the catastrophe of me growing fat on the couch while I dropped out of school and raised a brat with some asshole I barely cared about. I was saving money for college. I got amazing grades. I was an AP student. This is not where my life was supposed to end. So get it out of me!

I was about 6  weeks gone then, and at that time you could only get a medical abortion. So I had to wait another week – 7 weeks was the medical minimum – tell my mom so she could sign the paperwork, and come up with $380. In high school. That was a lot of money.

My BF took the cash out of his parents’ account, with the thinking that we’d simply tell them after it was done and hope they’d be pleased (they were.) My mom cried when I told her, then confessed that she and my father had aborted two years before I was born, when they were in high school. I made the appointment for a Friday I had off from school, and my mom had off from work (because she worked in the school system.) It happened to be Valentine’s Day. Read the rest of this entry »