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Lost

March 14th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Lost and heartbroken.

How I feel now…

Finding myself again, but a little chunk of my heart is still missing from this.

Who did you tell?

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt, Father of my child and my best friend

My story…

Saturday, July 24th 2010 I found out i was pregnant, I was 21 years old and a week late on my period. My boyfriend and I had broken up the same week I found out I was pregnant, only a few days before. I was still coping with what had happened in my relationship with him when on the way to work one day I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I went to the drugstore and bought a box of 3 pregnancy test. I stopped by my grandmothers house where she, my mother and brother were visiting her because she had just got home from having a him replacement. I snuck in the bathroom and room and took one of the test…before I could get my pants back up the test read positive, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach but somehow i held myself together long enough to get out of my grandmas house without any of my family knowing there was coming wrong….on the way to work I called my ex boyfriend to let him know the news, which I was scared of how he was going to react and the support that he was going to offer me. Suprisingly he was very nice and told me we would figure it all out and for me to stay calm, not even a minute after we got off the phone he called me back demanding I have an abortion and proceeded to tell me that the child was probably not his anyway…we hung up the phone and had to face a 8 hour shift at the hospital where I work. During work I did all that I could to keep myself together, I went to the bath room randomly to take my other two test, I just wasnt believing that this was happening to me, and that I was all alone. Being a coward, but needing my mother to know, i sent her a text message and told her that I was pregnant. After I got off work I went home and my mother and I stayed up all night talking about the different choices that were available to me, and talk about what the outcome of each one would be… I was so lost, didnt know what to do. I have always been the type that loves kids, all ages…and they all seem to love me… I always dreamed of being a mother. My mother left it up to me to make the desicion and told me she would support anything that I decided to do. Read the rest of this entry »

Staying Positive

March 5th, 2012

Saturday, July 24th 2010 I found out i was pregnant, I was 21 years old and a week late on my period. My boyfriend and I had broken up the same week I found out I was pregnant, only a few days before. I was still coping with what had happened in my relationship with him when on the way to work one day I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I went to the drugstore and bought a box of 3 pregnancy test. I stopped by my grandmothers house where she, my mother and brother were visiting her because she had just got home from having a hip replacement. I snuck in the bathroom and room and took one of the test…before I could get my pants back up the test read positive, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach but somehow i held myself together long enough to get out of my grandmas house without any of my family knowing there was coming wrong….

On the way to work I called my ex boyfriend to let him know the news, which I was scared of how he was going to react and the support that he was going to offer me. Suprisingly he was very nice and told me we would figure it all out and for me to stay calm, not even a minute after we got off the phone he called me back demanding I have an abortion and proceeded to tell me that the child was probably not his anyway…we hung up the phone and had to face a 8 hour shift at the hospital where I work. During work I did all that I could to keep myself together, I went to the bath room randomly to take my other two test, I just wasnt believing that this was happening to me, and that I was all alone. Being a coward, but needing my mother to know, i sent her a text message and told her that I was pregnant. After I got off work I went home and my mother and I stayed up all night talking about the different choices that were available to me, and talk about what the outcome of each one would be… I was so lost, didnt know what to do. I have always been the type that loves kids, all ages…and they all seem to love me… I always dreamed of being a mother. My mother left it up to me to make the desicion and told me she would support anything that I decided to do. I talked to several other people in my family trying to help me make the best choice for my child, myself and my family.. it was an emotional roller coaster, one day I was bound damned and determined I was going to keep the child, the next I was all for abortion. Read the rest of this entry »

I Lost the World

December 24th, 2011

Condoms are made to bar a natural process and years of sex course after sex course I was acutely aware of it. I’d made up my mind that if you needed an abortion you must have your reasons, just don’t involve me. Later on sex evolved into something private but I loved it because it felt good being so close to someone. Looking back I think it has long represented the things I’ve always wanted: someone to share life with who would want to tell me their hopes, fears, everyday stuff, who’d care about my stuff, tell me when i’m being stupid but also know how to be supportive, share some of my interests, be a motivator and a contributor: the perfect guy. Sex would be the cherry in the virgin mary after time spent going through the motions of all of these things with this one guy. Kind of like a reward for good behavior or the trophy at the end of a marathon, sleep after a long day.

And then it happened. At first I was in disbelief, the lines weren’t entirely clear, it wasn’t just the light in the room. Still that was enough to trigger me off and it only grew worse to find i was 4 weeks along, too early. We went to the nearest planned parenthood and I had a medical abortion in my room at 6 weeks. My mother was the only person who knew in my family. Even today my father doesn’t know. It was excruciating and in the end past the vomiting, the blood, the pain, I remember my mother saying “she didn’t have to go through this” as my guy at the time stood in the living room after she had gotten home. No one was allowed at the house but she had made the exception but after seeing me in pain that was the worst she could say.

Every day I never forget. Let me be clear, I wanted that baby, and I want to have children. I also loved that guy. But I refused to have that baby and drag someone through a chance where I couldn’t raise them myself, the possibility of a split family, being the black sheep, not having enough, when there are already so many people like that in this world. I have lived a privileged life, I can’t live with giving any less. For the last year I have seen my recklessness and his, realizing through some of his prior actions that he won’t change and that I don’t see those things I need to be in love with a person for life, in him. I don’t blame him, because that recklessness in him is really what was in me. I realize that I knew the important bits about the general things I wanted in life and that I ignored it. In the end, I lost the world.
Read the rest of this entry »

Let Me Die?

October 20th, 2011

Last week the House of Representatives passed H.R.358, or the “Let Women Die” bill. If that bill had been passed three years ago, I would’ve died. I would be dead.

Let me be clear about that. In this great first world nation of freedom and liberty, I would’ve sat outside a hospital and bled to death. Because why? Because I exercised my right to choice.

I was twenty one. I had taken the abortion pill at a Planned Parenthood. In my follow up exam I was told there was excess lining that would shed itself and that everything was fine. For most people, that would be true. But because my hormones are generally wacky – the reason I got pregnant in the first place even though I was using birth control – my body kept thinking it was pregnant and creating and shedding more lining. I would start bleeding and then stop and think it was over. This went on for two months, until I felt a cramping sensation and looked down to see myself covered in blood and a blood clot the size of my fist. I rushed myself to the hospital and had an emergency D & C. Today I am alive and well because of my access to those emergency services.

And if I hadn’t had them? I’d be dead. There is no doubt about that.

By the age of 45, one in three American women will have had an abortion. That’s 30% of all American women who are mothers, daughters, friends and family. And even though abortion is a highly safe procedure, all bodies are different, and so that’s 30% of American women that could potentially die without access to emergency services.

What country do we live in? What does freedom mean? What is our government really here? How could a government pass a bill allowing women to die when seeking emergency care for a safe, legal procedure? What’s next?

It’s time to do something. Get involved. Stand with Planned Parenthood:

http://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/get-involved/2011-congressional-attacks-womens-health-care-1024.htm

Stand with Naral:

https://secure.prochoiceamerica.org/site/Donation2?df_id=17720&17720.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=41bkyct8s1.app240a

 

Dragonfly Diaries

August 1st, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Scared, worried if I was making a mistake.

How I feel now…

A bit of grieving, but a lot of relief at the same time.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

21.

My story…

I am 21 years old…I have always wanted a baby, and three weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. I was beyond overjoyed…i told my boyfriend and he was very unsure about the situation. he wanted me to have an abortion from the moment he found out…..
I was devestated. I wanted more than anything to be a mother…to keep the baby. I went ahead with the thought that nobody could take my baby from me and that i could be a single mother. I wasnt going to let anyone tell me otherwise.
So I announced to my friends and family that i would be having a baby, and everyone was super excited. my mother made little dresses for if it were a girl…and my aunt gave me a rockerchair for the baby too. people were planning baby showers and i couldnt help but get attatched and more happy.
I saw an ultrasound of my baby at 7 weeks, and it hit me. i couldnt do it alone. No matter how badly i wanted to be a mother….i couldnt do it alone. Not to mention the fact that my boyfriend told me he was planning on taking me to court for custodial rights if i chose to have the baby. It was too much stress, and no good for my baby. I wanted everything to be perfect, and i wanted the perfect life for my child.
I called planned parenthood and scheduled an in clinic surgical abortion. It was a two week wait before they could get me in. Two whole weeks of wondering if i was making the right choice….or a mistake….a big one.
The wednesday night before the appointment I spent the night over my now ex boyfriends house. The plan was to spend the night, and he was going to take me to the appointment in the morning. That way he could be there for me, at least once through my situation.
I slept very poorly that night. We woke up, and drove very quietly for the hour that it took to ge to the clinic.
There was a very long wait, before the actual procedure. Bloodwork, std tests, counceling and several cigarette breaks. also a woman outside the gates of the clinic yelling about jesus….and that i was doing the wrong thing.
When the nurse came back…it was time. and i was pretty well held together until i got into the room. They try to make it a comfortable relaxing place…..but there is no covering up the death in that room.
I sat on the table with my boyfriend in the chair next to me…the tears started to flow, and they didnt stop.
The shot that they gave me in my cervix didnt hurt at all…It was the tubes they inserted that hurt the most….that and the actual moving and sucking. I cried the hardest i have ever cried, from pain and from the fact that i was losing my child. I had to hold myself back from screaming from the pain and the emotions that i was experiencing. I said i silent “im so sorry baby…” and said goodbye to my child. The procedure was finished in about ten minutes. I was running a fever of 102. and my blood pressure was very high…but as soon as i had the strength they moved me to a room with reclining chair and a heating pad, and the nurse put a cold cloth on my forehead and gave me some gingerale…to ease my stomach.
I didnt cry on the way home. And took a hot bath. I wonder if i made the right choice, and i have cried several times since then. It has only been two days since my abortion….and I know that i have come out of it with a stronger sense of the world we live in. I know it sounds stupid….but I have never believed in abortions, I thought that they were for the poor, girls who were too young….or anybody who had been raped. I know now that abortions are common, and 1 in 3 women will have at least one by age 35. I personally would never do it again….but if you are in a place where you need the help…and you cant seem to decide…talk to someone. talk to several people….get their opinions. many women have different stories to share….everyone has a different experience. I am a stronger woman because of the choice i made….and yes, i may feel regret and guilt right now….that is normal…and in time…i will be ok. Because no matter how it hurt, both physically and emotionally……I know that i made the right decision. and i did not take a life…i saved one. and when i am with a man that i will be with forever, and in love and truly ready…then i will be a mother….but until then, i chose to have an iud put in. now im good for five years. and until i am ready…i will not have to make that decision again. no more surprises for this chica. i wish you all the best of luck…wether you have already had an abortion…or you are simply trying to make a choice. I wont push you either way….but what i will say is that it isnt a joke or something you can just do. Abortion is a very serious decision, and everyone should be totally informed either way.
Good luck and much love
Delilah

Worried

July 17th, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Worried

How I feel now…

Better after reading other stories.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

24.

What type of abortion did I have?

Vacuum aspiration.

Where was my abortion performed?

Little Rock Planned Parenthood.

How far along was I?

7-8 weeks.

Who did I tell?

Mom, sister, boyfriend, grandmother, boss, therapist, doctor.

My story…

I’m 24 years old and found out on June 24th 2011 that i was pregnant, I had a break down in the bathroom after seeing the positive, i was only 4 days late for my period and i assumed if was from all the medications i had been on along with all the stress in my life. Let me explain my stress and my medications 1st my stress like i said im 24 years old, when i was 18 i started working in a 911 dispatch center. i did not know the mental and emotional stress this would put me under. I was able to keep the issues from work buried down deep inside and never deal with them and then in April of this year i had a massive mental break down i cried all the time couldn’t work didn’t want to do anything. So i went to a doctor who told me i had major depressive disorder, anxiety, and post traumatic disorder. So i have been on Zoloft 50mg, then Zoloft 100mg, xanax .25mg, then changed to lexapro 40mg and 2 a day dosage of xanax .5mg. I know that im not ready for a child when i myself am not emotionally or mentally stable to have a child, now before anyone starts saying the wonderful “you should have used protection thing” My gyno did not think i would ever be able to get pregnant my ex husband and i tried for over 2 years and i never got pregnant cause when i was 18 i had callused cyst removed from both my ovaries and endometriosis, but i did get pregnant by my new boyfriend and it was a shocker. I have always been very pro choice in certain situations like rape,incest, baby born with birth defects or being born mentally retarded and never knowing a real life. I’m having my abortion procedure tomorrow and im so scared, i haven’t been worried about it till today the day before i go in, i know this will be something that ill have to think about the rest of my life, but to me i feel like im doing the right thing. i also don’t feel like a baby murder because when i saw my ultra sound they said the baby was the size of a sesame seed, no organs had been formed and they had no heart beat yet, so to me this is not like killing a baby. I just do hope that women know you do have a choice in your life, if you feel like you cant take care of your child due to mental and emotional issues in your life take care of yourself first, my doctor also warned me that since i have depression i have a 100% chance of getting post part-um after the baby is born and that’s just as bad. I hope my story helps someone cause the stories i have read have helped me a lot. thank you.

Parental Consent

June 10th, 2011

This is not a story of my own abortion, but of my daughters. She’s seventeen and she recently, without telling either her father or I, had an abortion by getting a judge to waive the parental involvement laws that, in the state we live in, mandate that a youth younger than eighteen receive parental agreement to their child’s choice to abortion. I only found this out by finding paperwork from a clinic detailing the results of her pregnancy test and pre-op information for her abortion. When I found the paperwork, I was initially livid- why would she do this without discussing it with us? How could she have gotten herself in this situation? I remember thinking- she’s such a good girl- while knowing that “good girl” or not, everyone makes mistakes. After the anger subsided, I was heartbroken. I’m her mother, and I’m a woman. I could’ve helped her, I could’ve made it easier for her and nursed her back to health, emotionally and physically. I could’ve explained to her that she doesn’t need to hide this decision, this huge part of her life- that her father and I would understand. I cried for days and was unable to look at her or hold a conversation with her.

Finally, because I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I sat her down and gently asked her why she did this without telling me or her father. She immediately started crying, which only made me cry, and said that she was embarrassed and ashamed and didn’t want to disappoint us or let us down. It broke my heart and I tried my best to explain to her that we wouldn’t have judged her, that we would’ve supported her decision and that she could’ve put herself at risk by not telling us.

It was a good moment and opened a new form of communication between us, but it also made me consider issues I’ve never thought of before. The shame and embarrassment surrounding abortion alienates people, especially women, and the states that require parental consent for abortion can easily lead to desperate, misinformed teens making bad and dangerous decisions. It’s important that we culturally move past the shame surrounding abortion and learn to speak freely about it- with our daughters and our mothers, but also with the men in our lives, with our sons and brothers and fathers.

 

 

Two days ago

May 18th, 2011

Two days ago I had an abortion. While I am thoroughly pro-choice and always have been, I’ve always had a little voice in my head that told me that if it came down to it, I wouldn’t personally have an abortion. I was lucky to be well informed about sex education and never had to deal with even facing that situation as  teen or in my twenties. But I’m now 31, married and I have a two year old child. I’ve been switching birth controls trying to find a better pill for me (my hormones are messed up from my pregnancy), and believed that my birth control was protecting me from pregnancy when it wasn’t.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was beyond confused. I felt like the world was collapsing around me, but I couldn’t understand why. I have a beautiful daughter, and she’s the most important thing in my life (besides my husband), but both my husband and I only wanted one child. But knowing the highs and emotional attachment to my baby I felt during pregnancy, I had a really hard time and a lot of guilt coming to terms with the decision that I was going to abort my second child. My husband was wonderful throughout and very supportive. We discussed it over and over again and came to terms with the fact that we like our life the way it is, that we only have resources to properly raise one child well and that this is a very sad, unfortunate situation, but that we have to follow our hearts.

I went to the doctor and was told I was four weeks along, but it would be better to wait to have the abortion until I was at least six weeks. Over the next two weeks I did a lot of thinking and a lot of crying, but I knew, deep down, that I didn’t want another child and there was no way I could give my baby up for adoption.

The abortion itself was fine- it was much like any of the countless obgyn appointments I had when I was pregnant. Afterwards, I felt slightly ill or tipsy, like I was drunk- maybe from the anesthetic they gave me- but emotionally, I felt okay. My husband was with me the whole way and we got home and sat with our daughter and talked about how blessed we were to have her and how blessed we were to have the options of family planning and birth control and abortion that could let us create the life we want to have.

 

High-Risk and Scared

April 17th, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Numb.

How I feel now…

Sad but relieved.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

19 1/2

Who did I tell?

Only my family.

I am a sophomore in college – only 19, and had been dating the man I intend to marry for 7 months (he is 28) when I discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant. For 2 weeks I thought I’d keep it- but 2 ER visits, 5 ultrasounds, and 6 blood draws later I had enough. I was diagnosed with a septate uterus- which means I have a septum that splits my uterus. People with my condition have anywhere from a 4-84% chance of miscarrying their child, delivering a stillborn in the 2nd trimester, or a premature birth.

I loved my baby, I even named it. The Dad loved it too. My father was supportive of my decision while my mom practically disowned me as she is a pro lifer while I am pro choice. I never wanted to get rid of my baby. But I didn’t even know if it’d survive and me and my boyfriend can barely afford our house together.

The staff and Doctor were really nice, they put me to sleep for the procedure- I woke up  alone in a recovery room- I had slight amnesia apparently I had taken some pills for pain and had a small discussion but I don’t recall it- the nurse informed me. The pain was the most horrible cramping ever… but the lortab they gave me started working an hour later and it went away. As I write this I got the abortion today. It was the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

I love you, little baby. And I hope that once I get my defective uterus surgically fixed I will be able to be blessed with a healthy child.

No More Crying

February 19th, 2011

Today I read the news and cry. I cry because I hear the attack not just on abortion, but on women’s access to health care. Yes, I had my abortion at Planned Parenthood. Yes, it was a necessity. Planned Parenthood offered me affordable access when no one else would. And it’s been years since then and in those years I get my annual exam at Planned Parenthood. I get testing and cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood. I have not seen another doctor in five years. I can’t afford to see another doctor. I rely on Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood offers me choices when no one else will.

And so I cry, not only because of the dangerous and violent direction this country is heading, but because of the dangerous and violent place the world already is, and always has been, for women. When did we become so deeply backwards? When did we accept the rape, the physical and mental abuse against women as normal? When did we turn a blind eye? Once we vote upon women’s decisions, women’s rights, women’s bodies as something other than their own, we vote upon the chance for others to make them their own. See Haiti. See South Africa. See the whole world, women going to grave and lethal measures to protect themselves, to free themselves of rape and abuse, to free themselves of being someone else’s property and the brunt of someone else’s decision. Today I read the news and cry, for myself and for women everywhere. But then I wipe away my tears and make a promise to myself and women everywhere. Some women don’t have the option to fight. But I do, and I will.

sign the open letter to Congress asking them to protect Planned Parenthood’s funding: https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_ws_I_Stand_with_PP&s_src=istandwithPP_home&__utma=1.1658403730.1298142382.1298142382.1298142382.1&__utmb=1.3.10.1298142382&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1298142382.1.1.utmcsr=%28direct%29|utmccn=%28direct%29|utmcmd=%28none%29&__utmv=-&__utmk=72308883