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One of Those Girls

I always said I wouldn’t be one of those girls- the girls who got pregnant. But I didn’t use birth control because of a bad experience with medications, and I was fearful of concepts like an IUD. I never really fully understood birth control or the importance of it. I used condoms, but not regularly. But then I got pregnant. My boyfriend at the time and I had been dating for five months. I had come out of a longterm, unhealthy relationship and had just finished a long period of celibacy. I knew I was pregnant the moment it happened. The sex was different, I felt different, I felt I looked different. I was 22 and felt, for the first time, like a woman. And then I took a pregnancy test. I was overjoyed, and devestated. I couldn’t figure out which one more. What if this baby was the beginning of the rest of my life?What if this was meant to be?

By the time I found out I was pregnant, six weeks in, I had already been dumped. I had spent three months mourning the relationship. My nauseau, or fatigue, or lack of appetite were all associated with the breakup. Even my lack of period I associated with the breakup. But my boobs were large, and tender, and growing bigger by the minute. I had to face the facts. When I told my ex-boyfriend he was silent. Very silent.Hours seemed to pass before he asked me what I wanted to do. I realized my hope that he would suddenly change his mind about the relationship and want to have the baby was ridiculous. He didn’t want me, and he didn’t want the baby. And I didn’t want his baby. I wanted a child with someone who loved me and who wanted to be a parent. I no longer felt elated, or hopeful, I felt realistic. I didn’t think I would be one of those girls, and now I was, and it wasn’t so bad. I could handle it.

I live in Texas and I didn’t want to go to a clinic in my town because I was afraid I’d see someone I know. So my ex-boyfriend took me to a clinic a couple hours away to get the pills to have a medical abortion. He was attentive and kind through the following two days and then he abruptly was gone. I don’t know how he felt about any of it, I don’t know what he felt about me. I’m not sure I care.I cried for days after the abortion, but not for him and not for the baby. I cried for myself, because I was alone and I was an adult, and I had to face reality.

It seems strange to say, but I feel stronger now. I feel I could handle anything. And I feel I made the right decision. I’ll have a family one day when I can afford it, with a man who loves me and loves our child. I deserve that.

One Response to “One of Those Girls”

  1. rebecca Says:

    I really like your site. Very good posts! Please continue posting such awesome cotent.

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