I Lost the World
Condoms are made to bar a natural process and years of sex course after sex course I was acutely aware of it. I’d made up my mind that if you needed an abortion you must have your reasons, just don’t involve me. Later on sex evolved into something private but I loved it because it felt good being so close to someone. Looking back I think it has long represented the things I’ve always wanted: someone to share life with who would want to tell me their hopes, fears, everyday stuff, who’d care about my stuff, tell me when i’m being stupid but also know how to be supportive, share some of my interests, be a motivator and a contributor: the perfect guy. Sex would be the cherry in the virgin mary after time spent going through the motions of all of these things with this one guy. Kind of like a reward for good behavior or the trophy at the end of a marathon, sleep after a long day.
And then it happened. At first I was in disbelief, the lines weren’t entirely clear, it wasn’t just the light in the room. Still that was enough to trigger me off and it only grew worse to find i was 4 weeks along, too early. We went to the nearest planned parenthood and I had a medical abortion in my room at 6 weeks. My mother was the only person who knew in my family. Even today my father doesn’t know. It was excruciating and in the end past the vomiting, the blood, the pain, I remember my mother saying “she didn’t have to go through this” as my guy at the time stood in the living room after she had gotten home. No one was allowed at the house but she had made the exception but after seeing me in pain that was the worst she could say.
Every day I never forget. Let me be clear, I wanted that baby, and I want to have children. I also loved that guy. But I refused to have that baby and drag someone through a chance where I couldn’t raise them myself, the possibility of a split family, being the black sheep, not having enough, when there are already so many people like that in this world. I have lived a privileged life, I can’t live with giving any less. For the last year I have seen my recklessness and his, realizing through some of his prior actions that he won’t change and that I don’t see those things I need to be in love with a person for life, in him. I don’t blame him, because that recklessness in him is really what was in me. I realize that I knew the important bits about the general things I wanted in life and that I ignored it. In the end, I lost the world.
Today I’m a double major, I’ve returned to my parents house, and I think everyday about what happened. I still have sex once in a while, call it a relapse if you will, because sometimes the condoms aren’t on. Some battle cigarettes, I guess I’m the one who battles the need for a quick fix to the real deal. It’s not like I super need a counselor, but I’ve come understand my catch 22. I live in a world where having a kid is not a good idea until stability hopefully around thirty. Me and a kid need a house, a loving family, the ability to create our own happiness, and the stability to go beyond who we are, and someone to love us for who we are and keep it real and make us laugh when we get mad or do stupid things, and I have none of that. Don’t tell me it’s stupid to think I’m not ready to have a boyfriend: I’m the girl whose still kicking the habit of wearing dirty panties, washing laundry, and picking my nose and yet I want someone better than that. The one whose crap at math and lives in a corner of her parent’s house and masturbates to soft porn on some nights. Look down at me all you like but for everything else I do1 I doubt there are many who see that and many still who do any better.
If you are reading this I hope you fared better. I hope you had people who you know to be strong to bring you back to the road you want to be on in life. Maybe it’s tats and group sex with a pre-tested group and vodka shots on Fridays- only to wake up after some coffee to the hopes of becoming a masseuse, that’s your world. I just hope you can learn as I have to live it fuller because it is worth it, to remember to make the effort to be worthy of your dreams, and remember to plan for your happiness, kids or not, because you are worth it. Live hard and stay safe.
How I felt at the time…
lost.
How I feel now…
quiet.
How old was I when I had my abortion…
21