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Archive for the ‘Multiple Abortions’ Category

One, Two, Three…

Saturday, March 3rd, 2018

How I felt at the time…

Nervous, ready, scared

How I feel now…

Grief, relief

My story…

Next week I will be going to the Women’s Clinic to have my third abortion. I need to tell my story because the truth is, for the first time I am starting to grieve from the two abortions before. I start to wonder if there is just something totally screwed up in my head because I continue to not use protection and here I am pregnant for the fourth time, getting an abortion for the third. The first two definitely were nerve wracking and emotional but I was ok. This time I’m terrified out of my mind.

To start my story… I do have one beautiful little boy who is 5 years old. I am 29. First: Summer of 2015, I was off to rehab for 3 months for my drug addiction. When I got to rehab, I was told I was pregnant. To keep this story short, I had a surgical abortion at 11 weeks. I knew that the substances I had been putting in my body and the medication given to me at rehab had caused severe developmental issues already for the fetus. I also knew I was going to leave rehab to come back home and try so hard to stay sober and be the best mom I could be for my son who was 2 at the time. I was scared but I knew having a child while trying to stay clean and raise my son was my number one goal.

Second time: Fall 2016, I started dating a guy much younger than me. He was on a completely different maturity level than I was. I found out I was pregnant. 4 weeks along. My father was very sick and was in the process of dying this exact same week. I was not financially stable an neither was he. I took the pill for this abortion and I knew it was the right decision at the time because knowing my emotional state already having my father pass, my past drug use, I would have gone downhilll very fast trying to have another baby. The pill was so much worse for me than the surgery. I woke up after taking the pills and had to buy a new mattress. Third time: Next week 2018, I don’t even know. I’m about 6-7 weeks. I don’t know if I want to go through with surgery or pill, I have relapsed with drugs, I’m scared out of my mind this time.

Both times before I was so sure and had no doubt. Number three just seems so crazy. I feel like a bad person and I know I’m not. I make bad decisions. I worry what people will think even though only two of my close friends know about this. But I put myself in other peoples heads and wonder what they would call me or say to me. I’m just not in a good place mentally about this time and I’m scared.


Not My First Rodeo…

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012

How old was I when I had my abortion?

20 and 35.

What year did I have my abortion?

1996 and 2012.

How I felt at the time…

Fearful and unprepared.

How I feel now…

Mixed emotions.

My story…

11/26/1996 – 20 yrs old, in a casual, non-committed relationship, I was in no way financially or emotionally ready to care for a child, let alone share custody, etc with a college “friend” for 18+ years…additionally, I was taking anti-convulsive medications that weren’t recommended for use during pregnancy. He left his half of the cost of the procedure in an envelope on my pillow, my mother & best friend drove me across state lines & I had a surgical abortion. I believe I was 6-8 weeks.

Fast forward. 11/12/2004, 28 yrs old, the best day of my life, my husband, whom I’d been with for nearly 7 yrs, welcomed our first child. A planned pregnancy. The day I truly believed miracles happen.

And finally, today. 6/25/2012. I’ll be 36 in 4 days, still married to my wonderful husband, our 7 yr old son is the light off our life. Due to poor economy and unforeseen circumstances, we are financially unstable, our credit ruined, I’ve recently lost my job, we are feeling emotionally beat down by life and struggle to keep it all together for our son’s sake, and I found out I’m pregnant a week ago. We are scared to bring another child into this world of uncertainty and chaos. I’m so conflicted now that I know how much of a gift a baby is, especially with someone you love, having an incredible child together already. But still more afraid to go along with the pregnancy than to abort and not add any more irons to the fire off life we are already fighting. Tomorrow, I will surgically abort my 6 week old fetus, never telling a soul for fear of rejection. I’m trying to convince myself that this is the best for our son now. We don’t need to add to the instability in our life now. Not to mention outer ages once the baby goes to college.


My Second Abortion

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

I am an educated woman who just this weekend received her second abortion.  Even at this wonderfully empowering, pro-choice, accepting clinic, I declined to tell them it was my second.  Braving the stigma with one abortion story is about all I can stomach.  I don’t want to be ashamed of my choice, but I don’t want the judgment, either.  It’s funny–I can see myself sharing my abortion count once I get my Implanon or my IUD: “I learned my lesson.”  Until then, I’ll sense that my personal responsibility is at a deficit.

I hate that I’m ashamed, because the reality is that my personal responsibility is in the black.  I did the right thing for myself and for the fetuses I aborted.  My choices *should* be less embarrassing than those of a woman who raised two children but could not provide for them or did not care to be a decent parent to them.

I don’t hold any religious beliefs that dictate my personal morals or ethics.  I don’t believe that conception is a magical process that imbues a zygote with personhood.  To whom do I feel, then, that I have to justify my decisions?  I don’t know.  As I write this, I want to convince you of my utter respect for life, how I contribute what I can with my career to raise the quality of life for myself and for others.

I wish my story were more accepted, less whispered.

My Mother’s Story

Sunday, May 9th, 2010

What year did you have your abortion?

1974, 1976, 1978

How old were you when you had your abortion?

18, 20, 22.

How did you feel at the time?

Fine, relieved.

How do you feel now?

Great and thankful.

My story…

When i was a young woman my mother answered a request by an author who wrote for the new yorker magazine. this author wanted to interview women who had had illegal abortions. while i don’t think the author ever traveled to vermont to speak with my mother and my grandmother, it opened the conversation between my mother, my grandmother and me and my 3 sisters. collectively we had had 12 abortions. we all unburdened ourselves of our stories. i cannot remember gramma mary’s story other than that it was in the 1920’s. but i clearly recall my mom’s; it was 1958 and she had had 4 children and one miscarriage and once again her diaphragm had failed her. (more…)


Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

How old were you when you had your abortion?

20 years old.

Who did you tell?

The “Father,” not a soul else.

Who came with you?

Noone. I drove myself.

How I felt at the time…

Kinda shellshocked, like I wasn’t inhabiting my body.  Sure that I needed to do this, though, but unclear about how it would affect me.

How I feel now…

Surprised I didn’t tell anyone – and sad that I was so ashamed about it because it could have been a better experience had I been willing to tell people around me and share the situation.  I currently have a lot of respect for young single mothers I know, and a strange distant envy that I wonder about, because I couldn’t be where I am today had I taken the motherhood route. (more…)