My Story…

I was five days late, which isn’t uncommon for me. I kept having cramps, the normal cramps I get before my period, but days passed and still no period. Something didn’t feel right though so I grabbed the last pregnancy test under the sink. I honestly just thought I was wasting a pregnancy test, but both lines showed up right away. I cursed under my breath and stared at the pregnancy test waiting for one of the lines to disappear, but of course, it stayed there.

More cursing happened once I remembered we are in a global pandemic and medical services are limited to only essential. I remembered reading about abortions being restricted in Texas and Ohio, how awful I felt for the women being affected by these restrictions and wondered if I now would also be affected by these restrictions.

Decisions are not easy for me, I second guess myself too much, overthink things, etc; but this was one decision that was made as soon as the test said positive. No weighing pros and cons, no talking to my husband, discussion with friends or family – it was the right decision for me.

I grabbed my phone and scheduled an appointment with Planned Parenthood, which was for the following week. At the same time, I texted my husband to tell him I was pregnant. He was in physical therapy and would not see my text for another hour. During this hour, I thought “I have health insurance. Do I have to go to Planned Parenthood? Can I go to a doctor? Who performs abortions?” I called OB/GYN offices that showed up under my health insurance when I searched for abortion. One wasn’t taking new patients and the second replied “we don’t do that” when I asked about terminating a pregnancy. Then I just searched for abortion providers in my state. A clinic 30 minutes away showed up on the search, I had passed this clinic multiple times when I lived in that city so I called.

I explained I needed to terminate a pregnancy and they started asking all the necessary questions. After I answered everything, they said they could schedule the procedure for the next day, but first I had to speak to a provider who would call me later that afternoon. I was extremely relieved and thankful to live in my state. Here I am in need of an abortion during a global pandemic and can chose between two clinics near my house.

My husband saw my text and called me, when I picked up he sounded excited. My heart sank and I started crying at this point. This would not be an “us” decision, this was a “me” decision. When he came home, we sat down and talked. He explained he sounded excited because he didn’t think I was serious when I sent him the text. He had married me knowing I did not want to have children and would still love me no matter what I decided. I told him I was afraid I would lose him for terminating the pregnancy, but I could not become a parent to make him happy because I did not want to become a parent; as I had told him months before he proposed. He continued to reassure me it was my decision and he would not resent me for it. Even if this decision ended my marriage, I was not going to turn back on it because I knew it was the right decision.

The provider called me, asked me all the standard questions – if anyone was forcing me to make this decision, if I needed counseling, and then the medical questions. They explained what a medication abortion was and what to expect during the appointment and after. They also explained the precautions they were taking at the clinic due to COVID-19; which meant I would not be able to have anyone accompany me.

My sister was due to have her second child in about two weeks, but the doctors had told her she might go into labor earlier. She had four miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. I mourned the loss of the pregnancy every time. Though I do not want to have children, I love being an aunt. My nephew is my world and was beyond ecstatic for my sister’s second child. I struggled whether or not to share what I was going through with her. I was not looking for support, as I mentioned before, I knew my decision was right no matter what anyone said. I finally told her I was pregnant and terminating the pregnancy.

The next morning I woke up earlier to get some work done prior to my appointment. Due to the pandemic and lockdowns, I had been working from home for about two months. I made up an excuse about not feeling well and that I’d be on and offline that day and would make up my hours at night when I felt better. I told my husband he did not need to come with me as he was not allowed to be in the clinic with me and I was only allowed to be in the clinic for the procedure, the rest of the waiting had to be done in the parking lot. Most of the time I spent at the clinic was in my car. I filled out all the paperwork and waited to be allowed back inside. During this time my sister and husband continued to check on me. Once I was allowed back in the clinic, the provider explained what each pill would do, when to take what pill and how. I took the first pill exactly 24 hours after finding out I was pregnant.

Eight hours later, I took the second set of pills and braced myself for cramps and bleeding. I had one bad cramp that made me go into fetal position, but nothing else happened. The next day, I kept waiting for pain and bleeding. I would get a cramp here and there and brace myself for pain, but again, nothing happened. I called the clinic and explained nothing was happening. They told me to take the backup set if nothing had happened at the 24 hour mark. So I did and again braced myself for pain and a lot of bleeding and again, nothing happened. My sister had had an ectopic pregnancy and was concerned I was having one too because nothing was happening. Finally, 48+hours after taking the first set of the second pill, I started bleeding.

I felt relief and kept reading about what to expect at this point. Everything said to expect blood clots, but I wasn’t expelling blood clots. I was bleeding less than during a normal period, but it had just lasted longer than a normal period so I brought this up during the 1-week check up call from the clinic. The provider thought it was strange it took so long for the bleeding to start, I wasn’t feeling pain and I wasn’t bleeding much. They were also concerned the pregnancy could be ectopic. I went into the clinic right away for bloodwork and an ultrasound. The ultrasound did not show anything and the bloodwork came back low. They said the procedure likely worked and to come back in a few days for more bloodwork to ensure the procedure had worked and the rule out an ectopic pregnancy.

A few days later I went back for bloodwork which showed the procedure had worked. Throughout the week after the procedure, I went on with my life as normal. I kept biking, but couldn’t run because my breasts had swelled up so much it was uncomfortable to run. Everything said not to exercise, to take it easy, but since I didn’t feel much pain, I continued with my life as normal. I was only two or three weeks pregnant, which is probably why I did not feel pain or much discomfort from my abortion. I am a married woman in my 30s with a husband, a house, a dog, a stable career and I had an abortion. I am grateful I live in a state where I could have an abortion as soon as 24 hours after finding out I was pregnant, even during a global pandemic.

How I felt at the time…

Nervous, ready, scared

How I feel now…

Grief, relief

My story…

Next week I will be going to the Women’s Clinic to have my third abortion. I need to tell my story because the truth is, for the first time I am starting to grieve from the two abortions before. I start to wonder if there is just something totally screwed up in my head because I continue to not use protection and here I am pregnant for the fourth time, getting an abortion for the third. The first two definitely were nerve wracking and emotional but I was ok. This time I’m terrified out of my mind.

To start my story… I do have one beautiful little boy who is 5 years old. I am 29. First: Summer of 2015, I was off to rehab for 3 months for my drug addiction. When I got to rehab, I was told I was pregnant. To keep this story short, I had a surgical abortion at 11 weeks. I knew that the substances I had been putting in my body and the medication given to me at rehab had caused severe developmental issues already for the fetus. I also knew I was going to leave rehab to come back home and try so hard to stay sober and be the best mom I could be for my son who was 2 at the time. I was scared but I knew having a child while trying to stay clean and raise my son was my number one goal.

Second time: Fall 2016, I started dating a guy much younger than me. He was on a completely different maturity level than I was. I found out I was pregnant. 4 weeks along. My father was very sick and was in the process of dying this exact same week. I was not financially stable an neither was he. I took the pill for this abortion and I knew it was the right decision at the time because knowing my emotional state already having my father pass, my past drug use, I would have gone downhilll very fast trying to have another baby. The pill was so much worse for me than the surgery. I woke up after taking the pills and had to buy a new mattress. Third time: Next week 2018, I don’t even know. I’m about 6-7 weeks. I don’t know if I want to go through with surgery or pill, I have relapsed with drugs, I’m scared out of my mind this time.

Both times before I was so sure and had no doubt. Number three just seems so crazy. I feel like a bad person and I know I’m not. I make bad decisions. I worry what people will think even though only two of my close friends know about this. But I put myself in other peoples heads and wonder what they would call me or say to me. I’m just not in a good place mentally about this time and I’m scared.

Just writing another update. My last post was three days ago after I had my abortion, which I wrote about the details of, the procedure itself was painful but I was well cared for and consider it overall very positive. I have gone through many emotions since then including a lot, I cannot stress this enough, a LOT of learning and reflecting that I am so grateful to be experiencing although it has been hard.
Physically I have been fine, some cramps and lower back pain I took an ibuprofen just once but I mostly feel fine so far. Bleeding only the first two days. We will see how that goes as time progresses. I do have a ton of energy back which is nice.
Emotionally I have felt many things. Relief about not continuing a pregnancy that didn’t feel right and from feeling uncontrollably emotional, scared, depressed and stuck. Realization that things would have been okay and some regret that I didn’t see it though, although not really because I never would have been able to learn these things and have this perspective, which I am grateful for. Gratefulness for a new appreciation for life and the gifts it bestows on everything, for the opportunity to address my emotional challenges and forgive myself, and for all this learning and support of people who love me. Sadness for the opportunity I did have to lose because of this choice. New determination and hope for a future and the life I want to make. Some anxiety and sadness over seeing my boyfriend feel sad, although his support through this has helped me feel a love and a trust for him that I wasn’t able to feel before. And also just today a very acute sense of loss of confidence and a feeling of not being “special” anymore. That was a weird one. But those are all the things I’ve felt so far. For me it HELPS SO MUCH TO TALK, feel my feelings, and let them pass. Sometimes being alone just to recognize what I’m feeling and accept it helps, and then afterwards this is usually followed by a sense of gratefulness, peace, or comfort. I have realize there is no right choice there is only learning from your choices. I would like to be pregnant in the future and am currently working on the self care I so much need before I’m ready for that. I’m much more tender and gentle and appreciative with myself and others now. Every smile feels like a gift. Just so many changing emotions and reflections. I consider this pregnancy to be a gift and a lesson I will never, ever forget. I am a different person now, and I do feel proud. I know this is long but hopefully it helps someone. I’ll write another update in a week probably. I will say also that finding supportive from people who love you or can understand even if it’s just online or through clinic counseling helps immensely. It can change your whole outlook. Kindness and love for yourself and others really is everything. Thank you for reading this.

My Story….

I have never written about my abortion before.
Although I am not intellectually ashamed that I had an abortion – I am on some level because I have only spoken about my experiences with two close friends.

Somehow, I knew I was pregnant for a long time before I ever found out for sure. I ignored the feeling and hoped with all my power that it would just, magically “go away”. It was the end of my senior year in high school and I just wanted to ignore my pregnancy until I graduated and didn’t have so many other things to think about. Unfortunately, time doesn’t wait and I knew that I had to do something.

I started to get depressed and wanted to speak to everyone but was also afraid of speaking to anyone – I didn’t want anyone to judge me and if I WAS pregnant, and then there was no baby… what would they think? So I just kept going through my normal days until I admitted that I couldn’t procrastinate any longer.

I bought myself a pregnancy test without telling anyone and found out I was pregnant without telling anyone. I still didn’t know what to do. I thought my next step would be to find a doctor and pay for the abortion. I wasn’t even going to tell my boyfriend. At the time, I didn’t think I knew anyone else who had ever had an abortion – I later found out this was far from true, but in the moment I felt completely alone with my choices.

The same night my mother asked me what was wrong. I said “nothing” even though I wanted to tell her everything. She looked at me strangely and said, “Are you pregnant?” And I started to cry. We made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for a consultation and to find out how many weeks along I was – I called my boyfriend.
Luckily, my family and boyfriend were all incredibly supportive. No one judged me. And everyone asked me what I wanted to do.
I loved my boyfriend deeply and would have had a child with him – in fact I WANTED to – just not yet. We agreed together that the best choice at that time was for me to get an abortion. I had known since I first “knew” (suspected) I was pregnant that I would have an abortion, I felt lucky that the people around me supported that.

My boyfriend drove 5 hours to be with me and we went to Planned Parenthood for a consultation together. The woman there rattled through our options and then proceeded to push for us to consider having the baby, paid for by some patiently awaiting adoptive parents. I left feeling judged and shamed.

At some point during all of this I graduated from high school – a moment that was supposed to be full of joy and expectation for the future but which for me was mostly just surreal. I felt far away even from my closest friends and didn’t know how to explain myself to anyone. I ached to talk to my friends and the teachers who had been my guides for the past four years, but hesitated to open to anyone for fear that they would disagree with my choice or blame me for ‘doing something wrong’.

A few days after my graduation I went to the doctor’s with my mother to get a surgical abortion. Although the doctor explained everything to me, I don’t remember much of the actual operation except that we went down some stairs into what felt like a basement and it was definitely painful. Everything went as it should, and the abortion was completed successfully. My mother drove me home. I remember thinking, “How would I have done this alone?” I was in no state to drive, it was hard enough to be in the car.
My whole family was supportive and gentle to me. My boyfriend drove to be with me again but it was hard for me to communicate with him. I felt upset that I had had to have an abortion, that we hadn’t been careful enough and I had ended up getting pregnant. I was angry at myself for getting everyone involved, part of me was ashamed and still wished I could have been totally independent through it all. I felt physically violated – even though I had chosen that route, it had still felt like a surprise to me how ‘serious’ the operation was… maybe because no one really talked to me enough about what to expect.
The emotion that surprised me the most though, was grief. Some part of me had wanted that baby, I loved the man who would have been the father, and I knew that one day I wanted to have children. The sadness that came over me was unexpected, and I was unprepared for it. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about it. It seemed strange, I had CHOSEN to have an abortion, but I was SAD that I wasn’t going to have the baby. I knew that wouldn’t make any sense to anyone.
I realize now that a lot of that was due to the drastic hormonal shift, one minute my body was pregnant, and the next minute it wasn’t. But no one ever seemed to talk about that part of abortion – maybe people feel it would hurt the argument for pro choice.
For me, that was the hardest part of the experience, and the time when I felt the most alone. Now I know that all women who have abortions (and there are a lot) experience some kind of grief. I can only imagine how helpful it would have been to have someone to talk to, to assure myself I wasn’t crazy. I never doubted my decision and I have never regretted my abortion – that was part of what made the emotions of grief and sadness so confusing.
We are tied to our bodies in more ways that we understand, going through something like an abortion can affect us – and those involved with us – in more ways than we expect.

How I felt at the time…

Disconnected

How I feel now…

Grateful

My story…

I had met an older man (28) off of Plenty of Fish. It was the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I thought that this guy was amazing, he had a good a job, wanted the same things I did or so I thought. We were together one week and had unprotected sex once. I had no idea I was pregnant until a month later when I tried to give blood and my iron was extremely low. I was also very tired and was having light cramping, I knew something was off. I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test, it came back positive. I must have cried for hours on end. I felt as though ending my life would be better than being pregnant. But I had an abortion and to be honest, I never felt better about my life after. I know I made the right decision and I had a great support system. But it gets hard not being able to talk to people about it and not being able to explain to men why I don’t want to have sex just yet. But over time I will be better. I will feel better eventually.

How I felt at the time…

Relieved

How I feel now…

Alone

Who I told…

Mom, roomate, a few friends

I wanted another baby, but it was too soon. As cheesy as it sounds, the condom broke. My husband and I don’t even have time to have a lot of sex, but the one time we did in a month…it broke. I didn’t think about taking the morning after pill, because, well, I just didn’t think of it. It had taken 2 years of proper trying to get pregnant with our 7 month old, so I thought, there’s no way it would happen once off a broken condom.

The first sign I was pregnant was when I threw up. Repeatedly. I had had hypermesis with my first pregnancy, and it was back with a vengeance. When I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I cried. I sobbed. I said “This cannot be happening.” My first reaction was one of horror. But then I tried to get into the spirit of having another baby so soon. I looked at double strollers and thought about names. Then reality set in.

I was the breadwinner of the family (my husband works, but we cannot live on his salary, and he is unwilling to be a stay-at-home parent), and if I had this second baby, I couldn’t keep my job, not the way I wanted to because of timing. I love my job, and didn’t want to be home with a new baby so soon after coming off of my first stint of extended maternity leave. We were already stretched to the limits taking care of our 7 month old, and we were afraid another baby would break the bank, raise our stress levels, and possibly break our relationship. I know it sounds overly dramatic to read, but there are many factors I’m not listing here. It was a real concern. But most of all, the hypermesis was back. At 6 weeks I was throwing up 4 – 8 times a day, the nausea only letting up when I was fast asleep, and even then I woke up in the middle of the night once just to throw up. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and was so dehydrated I fainted. Any water I attempted to drink was thrown up. I lay on the couch for 8 days sucking on ice chips. It was awful. I couldn’t be a mother to my 7 month old, who stopped sleeping and got very clingy, because he could sense that something was wrong and I wasn’t taking care of him. My husband had to take care of everything- the dog, the baby, me, calling my work (I was home on sick leave the whole time), the housework, everything. With my first baby it lasted six months, but there was just two of us then, so who cared if I laid on the couch and the house was a wreck? We’re usually a 50/50 partnership….but he had to handle the whole load, and he turned to me and said “We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I need you. The baby needs you. And you’re going to be lost to us for six months”

So, we talked about it, talked about it again, and then decided that it would be best for our family and our future not to have this baby. We want another child, but not now. It was too soon. When our 7 month old is 2 or 3 we can explain why mom isn’t feeling well, when I’ve had my job for a few years, and proven my worth, I will have more job security, when we’re more financially stable we won’t be so stressed, when we move out of our 1 bedroom apartment, we’ll be more ready.

Still, it was emotionally painful for me. I felt like I was destroying something we created, our baby. In some respects I still feel that way. Even though it wasn’t even a fetus, it was technically still an embryo, I sometimes look at my son and wonder if we made a mistake. But I don’t know how serious I am about it, I really could not have handled another newborn, and all the other things that come with a baby. I don’t regret it perse. I also look at him, where I’m able to play with him, feed him, bathe him, change (I couldn’t do any of those things, because even the smell of his breath used to make me throw up when I was pregnant), and know that I did right by him. We will now have the life we planned, and wanted. Perhaps it’s too short of a time ago. It happened just 10 days ago, and I’m still bleeding, so I haven’t fully made my piece with it.

Every time I think, “perhaps we shouldn’t have,” all the reason we did, and why I’m glad we did come back to me.

I had a medical abortion. It went well. I cried when I took the pills, but as soon as the nausea went away, and I knew the pregnancy was terminated, I felt better. I felt lighter and more myself. That helped. I was immediately able to play with my son, had my energy back, and felt like my life was moving forward again.

I thought I’d never have an abortion. The risk was over. I was married with a home and work and a baby, I would never have a reason to abort. I was wrong about that. But I wasn’t wrong about my decision. About OUR decision.

To others in a similar situation. You are not alone. And don’t go searching the internet too much, there’s some hateful and hurtful stuff out there. I found it, and it made me feel awful about myself. Thank you supportion. This website has helped me more than I can say. So I hope my story helps others.

It’s been more than three years since Supportion was created and founded, and more than two and a half years of sharing abortion stories to support women and their partners, families and friends. Congratulations! For more on who and why we are, check out our about page. 

Recently, a visitor commented on a Supportion story “Over the Hills and Far Away.” Her comment was such a perfect reflection of why this site and community was created that it needed to be shared:

Hi there…I wanted say you are a beautiful soul. I have gone through a very similar experience to yours and reading yours was a really good thing for me. I got very emotional and began to remember the emotions I was having during the time of my abortion. It was good. I also got to thinking about my partner and how he felt about things then and now. I think the way you talked about how your partner acted was something I really needed to hear from someone else…it helps me understand that mine wasn’t the only one who seemed to act the way he did.

I can really relate in that I don’t want to forget my experience and that I wish it would have been my time. I can honestly say that having an abortion really defined who I’ll be for the rest of my life. I truly believe I have a beautiful life today. The past and the future are inexistent.

To everyone who has supported Supportion, shared stories, dedicated time or been helped or supported by the website, thank you! Remember, the greatest way to dispel stigma and demystify abortion is by sharing our stories, so please share your story and support pro-choice policies!

How I felt at the time…

Lost and heartbroken.

How I feel now…

Finding myself again, but a little chunk of my heart is still missing from this.

Who did you tell?

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt, Father of my child and my best friend

My story…

Saturday, July 24th 2010 I found out i was pregnant, I was 21 years old and a week late on my period. My boyfriend and I had broken up the same week I found out I was pregnant, only a few days before. I was still coping with what had happened in my relationship with him when on the way to work one day I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I went to the drugstore and bought a box of 3 pregnancy test. I stopped by my grandmothers house where she, my mother and brother were visiting her because she had just got home from having a him replacement. I snuck in the bathroom and room and took one of the test…before I could get my pants back up the test read positive, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach but somehow i held myself together long enough to get out of my grandmas house without any of my family knowing there was coming wrong….on the way to work I called my ex boyfriend to let him know the news, which I was scared of how he was going to react and the support that he was going to offer me. Suprisingly he was very nice and told me we would figure it all out and for me to stay calm, not even a minute after we got off the phone he called me back demanding I have an abortion and proceeded to tell me that the child was probably not his anyway…we hung up the phone and had to face a 8 hour shift at the hospital where I work. During work I did all that I could to keep myself together, I went to the bath room randomly to take my other two test, I just wasnt believing that this was happening to me, and that I was all alone. Being a coward, but needing my mother to know, i sent her a text message and told her that I was pregnant. After I got off work I went home and my mother and I stayed up all night talking about the different choices that were available to me, and talk about what the outcome of each one would be… I was so lost, didnt know what to do. I have always been the type that loves kids, all ages…and they all seem to love me… I always dreamed of being a mother. My mother left it up to me to make the desicion and told me she would support anything that I decided to do. (more…)

Condoms are made to bar a natural process and years of sex course after sex course I was acutely aware of it. I’d made up my mind that if you needed an abortion you must have your reasons, just don’t involve me. Later on sex evolved into something private but I loved it because it felt good being so close to someone. Looking back I think it has long represented the things I’ve always wanted: someone to share life with who would want to tell me their hopes, fears, everyday stuff, who’d care about my stuff, tell me when i’m being stupid but also know how to be supportive, share some of my interests, be a motivator and a contributor: the perfect guy. Sex would be the cherry in the virgin mary after time spent going through the motions of all of these things with this one guy. Kind of like a reward for good behavior or the trophy at the end of a marathon, sleep after a long day.

And then it happened. At first I was in disbelief, the lines weren’t entirely clear, it wasn’t just the light in the room. Still that was enough to trigger me off and it only grew worse to find i was 4 weeks along, too early. We went to the nearest planned parenthood and I had a medical abortion in my room at 6 weeks. My mother was the only person who knew in my family. Even today my father doesn’t know. It was excruciating and in the end past the vomiting, the blood, the pain, I remember my mother saying “she didn’t have to go through this” as my guy at the time stood in the living room after she had gotten home. No one was allowed at the house but she had made the exception but after seeing me in pain that was the worst she could say.

Every day I never forget. Let me be clear, I wanted that baby, and I want to have children. I also loved that guy. But I refused to have that baby and drag someone through a chance where I couldn’t raise them myself, the possibility of a split family, being the black sheep, not having enough, when there are already so many people like that in this world. I have lived a privileged life, I can’t live with giving any less. For the last year I have seen my recklessness and his, realizing through some of his prior actions that he won’t change and that I don’t see those things I need to be in love with a person for life, in him. I don’t blame him, because that recklessness in him is really what was in me. I realize that I knew the important bits about the general things I wanted in life and that I ignored it. In the end, I lost the world.
(more…)

Last week the House of Representatives passed H.R.358, or the “Let Women Die” bill. If that bill had been passed three years ago, I would’ve died. I would be dead.

Let me be clear about that. In this great first world nation of freedom and liberty, I would’ve sat outside a hospital and bled to death. Because why? Because I exercised my right to choice.

I was twenty one. I had taken the abortion pill at a Planned Parenthood. In my follow up exam I was told there was excess lining that would shed itself and that everything was fine. For most people, that would be true. But because my hormones are generally wacky – the reason I got pregnant in the first place even though I was using birth control – my body kept thinking it was pregnant and creating and shedding more lining. I would start bleeding and then stop and think it was over. This went on for two months, until I felt a cramping sensation and looked down to see myself covered in blood and a blood clot the size of my fist. I rushed myself to the hospital and had an emergency D & C. Today I am alive and well because of my access to those emergency services.

And if I hadn’t had them? I’d be dead. There is no doubt about that.

By the age of 45, one in three American women will have had an abortion. That’s 30% of all American women who are mothers, daughters, friends and family. And even though abortion is a highly safe procedure, all bodies are different, and so that’s 30% of American women that could potentially die without access to emergency services.

What country do we live in? What does freedom mean? What is our government really here? How could a government pass a bill allowing women to die when seeking emergency care for a safe, legal procedure? What’s next?

It’s time to do something. Get involved. Stand with Planned Parenthood:

http://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/get-involved/2011-congressional-attacks-womens-health-care-1024.htm

Stand with Naral:

https://secure.prochoiceamerica.org/site/Donation2?df_id=17720&17720.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=41bkyct8s1.app240a