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Archive for the ‘1-2 months’ Category

High-Risk and Scared

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…

Sad but relieved.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

19 1/2

Who did I tell?

Only my family.

I am a sophomore in college – only 19, and had been dating the man I intend to marry for 7 months (he is 28) when I discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant. For 2 weeks I thought I’d keep it- but 2 ER visits, 5 ultrasounds, and 6 blood draws later I had enough. I was diagnosed with a septate uterus- which means I have a septum that splits my uterus. People with my condition have anywhere from a 4-84% chance of miscarrying their child, delivering a stillborn in the 2nd trimester, or a premature birth.

I loved my baby, I even named it. The Dad loved it too. My father was supportive of my decision while my mom practically disowned me as she is a pro lifer while I am pro choice. I never wanted to get rid of my baby. But I didn’t even know if it’d survive and me and my boyfriend can barely afford our house together.

The staff and Doctor were really nice, they put me to sleep for the procedure- I woke up  alone in a recovery room- I had slight amnesia apparently I had taken some pills for pain and had a small discussion but I don’t recall it- the nurse informed me. The pain was the most horrible cramping ever… but the lortab they gave me started working an hour later and it went away. As I write this I got the abortion today. It was the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

I love you, little baby. And I hope that once I get my defective uterus surgically fixed I will be able to be blessed with a healthy child.

I exercised my right to choose

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Stupid, scared, confused

How I feel now…

At peace

Who I told…

My best guy friend, my sister, my stepmom, and my dad

Who came with me to my abortion…

My stepdad

How old was I…


My story…

When the word “Pregnant” showed up on that pee stick I thought my world was over. I saw my college and professional careers go down the tube. I saw many of my relationships crumble or strain. I saw the looks of disappointment on many of my family members faces. I saw my world end. All of this flooding my mind in what seemed like ten minutes, but was only ten seconds. Yes, I was probably overreacting, but I’m 20 and in college… It tends to happen. As I put my hand on my belly and put the test up to the light for the tenth time to make sure I wasn’t misreading it, I knew in the back of my head there was no way that I could keep it. It wasn’t the right time in my life at all. I was getting ready to start my junior year of college. There was no way I could financially or academically take off a semester, let alone a year of school to be pregnant.  It wasn’t possible.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room to break the news to my dad. As tears began to run down my face he got up and hugged me. He promised me that no matter what my decision was he was behind me the whole way through. He kept his promise, taking me to all of the appointments and supporting me through it all.
Since then I’ve had to deal with friends who don’t know about what happened making comments about abortions and people who get them, throwing around terms like “baby killers” and “heartless” like nothings. I’ve had to walk through the demonstrations by our on-campus “pro-life” group. It’s become easier to brush these aside and not let them hurt me, but it still happens. The thing is I’m not heartless. Hell, I’m going to school to be a teacher! I also practically raised my baby sister. That’s exactly how I knew I wasn’t ready. I just remind myself that those people don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They don’t know how I felt or what I experienced. I’m at peace with myself, and to me that’s all that matters.
What it all comes down to what that It was my decision and my life. I can’t change my decision, nor would I ever. I followed my head and my heart, and my story would have been completely different if I hadn’t.

Never Grow Up

Sunday, December 12th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

confused, sick, in a false content mood.

How I feel now…

depressed, but at peace.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I?

8 weeks.

Who came with me to the abortion?

My mom.

My story…

I was 14, and extremely naive. Knew nothing, wanted nothing, except to be a mother. I dreamed of it. One day I slept over at my best friend’s house, and i woke up extremely nauseous. i ran to her bathroom and threw up. At that time i knew. I told her about me and my on-off boyfriend at the time, and she called her cousin to take us to Wal-mart for a pregnancy test. I went home later that day, and took it. Two lines appeared. Two. The test was positive. i called to tell my boyfriend. He was excited, and he told me that he would do whatever he could to support me and the baby. we even decided on names. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was shocked, and excited, and scared. i instanly was attached. When my mom wasn’t home, i’d play music in headphones and press them to my tummy so my baby could hear. Even though my baby’s ears weren’t developed yet, it was a comforting feeling. But as i went along, i started throwing up more often. My mom was worried at first. I knew I would have to tell her, but she had figured it out before i was ready to tell her. She was so mad and depressed, she instantly pressed me to “take care of it”, and shoved the phonebook at me and forced me to call. The increased stress was hard on both of us. She walked about the house, threatening that she wanted to kill herself, and I was terrifed. But i could do nothing more than lay on the bathroom floor, feeling so weak. My strenght was gone, pure gone. I knew it wasn’t the baby’s fault, he was just an innocent victim of a terrible mistacke, and for that, i wanted to make it up to him. i wanted to keep him, and be the best mommy i could. But I didn’t want is to come about it this way. The night before my appointment, i stood up to my mom and told her i was keeping the baby. she threw the phone at me and told me to call my aunt. She was supportive of any decision I made, and asked me many questions to help me untangle the tangled thoughts in my head. After talking with her and my cousin (who had a baby at 17) I knew what i had to do.

I loved this baby, would give my life for him, but i knew i could never give him the life he deserved. my friend and I agreed that I was giving my baby to God. i remember throwing up in a plastic bag before i walked into the clinic, and some guy come to me, shovved a piece of paper at me, and told me i was making a selfish coice. All i could think of, is “You don’t know me, you don’t know my situation, and i feel terrible of what i have to do, but what gives you the right to make me feel worse? I will suffer in my own way. Mind your own buisness.” I was given an ultrasound, and I had pictures of my baby given to me. my mom took them and put them in her purse. I went back and sompleted the procedure, which was difficult and painful, all i can remember is a lady by me that kept saying “take a deep breath; blow it all the way out” I did as she asked. Afterwards, my nausea ceased, and i had put myself into a false content state, to fool everyone that I was stable. I just wanted out. I left the clinic, got in the car, and covered myself with what was supposed to be my baby’s blanked. When I got home, My mother put the pictures of my pretty baby in the filing cabinet. I locked myself away in my room, and slept for 4 hours. When i woke up, she was gone, and I tokk the pictures out of the filing cabinet. I keep them in my favorite book, on the page of my Estimated due date. After that, I cried all night for four weeks. And I still do. But I have come to peace with it, My baby is with God. For awhile i felt like i was forbidden from entering a church, but my good friend told me that i was forgiven, and i belived her.  I’m still learning to forgive myself, but i always come to the fact that i will never really forgive myself. i just wanted to tell my story, because i know that if someone had told me, “I know it hurts, but if you feel that this is the best thing for the baby, god will forgive you, and you can resume living in harmony.” I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing. Last night, i had a dream that i was holding my baby; It was a beautiful girl. She was at peace, but all i could do was cry. I don’t know why i was crying. When i woke up, i closed my eyes and begged my memory to let me see her again. But she was gone. As long as she is safe, i am at a slight peace.

I hope this helps her

Sunday, December 12th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Angry at myself.

How I feel now…

Proud that I have a choice.

My story…

Honestly I am just looking for a place to share my story and provide hope and love to those who are going through the same thing I went through.  I guess you can stay I started my journey running 13.1 miles and then hopping on a plane the next day  to go on vacation with my best friend to celebrate the 1/2 marathon we had just ran. I had met a guy on vacation at the same location last year and I was super excited to visit him again. While I was there I pretty much felt indestructible and we just used the pull out method. I came home from my trip and attributed my week and a half late period to my excessive exercise over the past month.  Finally on a Thursday,  after 2 weeks of being late I took 3 tests and they all where positive. I was devastated… “how could this happen to me?”

I was so upset and didn’t know where to turn so I went online. I found a local clinic that did abortions and didn’t hesitate to make an appointment that Saturday. I was all alone in my apartment until that appointment and that Friday I had experienced the worst panic attack of my life. I just kept seeing my parents faces as I told them .. and when I got nervous I went online  and found sites and resources abut abortions and feelings. Finally, Saturday came and I was beyond nervous. I walked into the clinic and I finally felt at ease, everyone was as nice as their patients said they were on their website. I went into to appointment knowing that I was at most 4 weeks along and having done research I decided I wanted a medial abortion.  I met with a councilor and talked about my options and I went home with an appointment that Tuesday to get the medical abortion. I went home and started to get nervous again about my decision so I went online I read and read reviews from women about the medical abortion and then decided it was not for me .  I called and switched to the surgical abortion with twilight sedation for an appointment that Wednesday.

As I walked into the clinic to get the abortion I was so nervous but I knew it would only last 2 to 5 min and I probably wouldn’t remember anything. I was waiting in the room with my best friend when they called my name along with another girls name. Myself the nurse and the other patient rose the elevator together and then myself and the other patient were in the waiting room together. I am outgoing and even when I am nervous you can’t shut me up so I started a conversation with the other patient it turned out that it was her second time getting an abortion she she helped to calm me down.  So next thing I knew they called my name so I went in and got an iv and then I was in the room all ready to go . Once they administered the medicine I didn’t remember anything . I just remembered sitting in the recovery room with the other nice girl from the waiting room.  Both of us had to wait 30 min before we could leave and I never got a chance to thank her for everything she did for me but just the nice smile and the you will be ok went a long way. I left the clinic and had minimal cramping and bleeding for the next 24 hours. I was up and back to work the next day.

I wanted to show through my story that it took less then I week for everything to be completed and that it did not hurt that bad for me .  I feel so empowered to know that I made the right choice for me.  I hope that if you are reading this and thinking about an abortion you will know that God loves you and always knows what it is in your heart. You are strong and can make the right decision for you and there is ALWAYS somewhere for you to turn for support or help . There are may wonderful pro-chocie websites and hotlines that are dedicated to supporting woman and their rights. Having an abortion was my CHOICE and I am so thankful to all of the people who have made it possible for me to have that option.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I?

5 weeks.


Thursday, November 4th, 2010

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…


My story…

I don’t think about my abortion very much. I’m very conscious of the fact that I’ve had one, and that somehow lumps me into one category rather than another, but I never feel an emotional connection to my abortion, or the child that would’ve existed if I hadn’t chosen abortion. Then recently, a friend emailed me and told me that several days ago she went back to the gynecologist’s office where we both had our abortions performed. She said, for some reason or another, that this time, instead of taking her to the examination room, they took her to the back room, where they perform the abortions. She couldn’t bear being there- she said she wanted to lash out, destroy the room, destroy the people in it and run out without getting her parking validated.

What I didn’t tell her is that I had been back to that room since my abortion, that I had sat on the examination table, my feet in the stirrups, and pleasantly chitchatted with the doctor. I knew it was the same room, and I had remembered everything that occured in it, but it just didn’t affect me. Just like I felt after my abortion, I couldn’t pretend to be sad, or grieving. I couldn’t pretend to be anything except really what I was- pissed that I made a mistake that took a toll on my body, pissed that I had to lie about it to the people in my life, and pissed that there was an element of shame present that there shouldn’t have been.

I’m sure I’ll come off as being heartless or something, but it’s just the truth. I wouldn’t choose to have an abortion, and I don’t want to have another abortion, but I had one, and I’m fine with it. And I know that’s just me. Everyone’s different. But for me, it’s as simple as the fact that, for whatever reason- lack of sex education, negligence, whatever- I got pregnant and had to have an abortion.

How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I?

Two months.

My girlfriend had an abortion

Friday, October 15th, 2010

We had the abortion about a year ago, before valentine’s day. She found out she was six weeks pregnant and we discussed what we wanted to do. We debated for awhile about whether to have it or not.  I did consider all the fun, exciting parts of having a child, but was also scared of the emotional and financial reality. I eventually told her that I wasn’t ready for a child. She agreed that she felt the same. Later she told me that she believed that was my way of telling her I shouldn’t be depended upon. Maybe she was right. We went back and forth for awhile. Neither of us could really decide who she be making the decision.  Neither of us wanted to be the one to say, lets have an abortion, lets have a baby. She finally said that if neither of us really wanted a child, we should have an abortion.I agreed. I was grateful that that’s what she decided.

That was pretty much the last active role that I played. She found a doctor, I’m not sure how. We went to see the doctor  and made an appointment for a week later. During that week, my gf became withdrawn and tense, and I became frustrated.I tried to speak with her about it, but she said that I couldn’t understand. She asked me to not tell anyone, and although I thought that was a bad idea, I agreed.

The day of the appointment we both took off work and I drove her to the office and went in with her. The doctor was an obgyn, and the waiting room was filled with babies. It wasn’t a positive experience. My girlfriend went into the appointment alone. When she came out, I was desperate to ask her questions, but I didn’t. We went out to lunch and she said she felt relieved.

It took awhile, but we eventually talked it through. She said she felt alone through the process and ashamed that she felt shame about having an abortion. She said it was confusing because a part of her did want the baby, but knew she couldn’t give it the life she wanted to, which brought up other issues.  I told her that I felt she shut me out and it was unfair to ask me to keep it a secret.  We both eventually talked about it with friends, which was definitely for the best.

15 and Preggo -This Is Not How It Ends

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

How old were you when you had your abortion?


How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…


My story…

When I was a 15 year-old high school sophomore, I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I had been using condoms, but not consistently (clearly.) I had not actually thought anything about my missing period – a friend who had been worrying over her being late and my mom had to trigger my interest and intuition. I started being exhausted and craving eggs and jalapenos, so my BF and I trekked to the planned parenthood for a test. They asked what options I wanted if it turned out positive, and abortion was the only thing I wanted.

I was NOT going to make my life the catastrophe of me growing fat on the couch while I dropped out of school and raised a brat with some asshole I barely cared about. I was saving money for college. I got amazing grades. I was an AP student. This is not where my life was supposed to end. So get it out of me!

I was about 6  weeks gone then, and at that time you could only get a medical abortion. So I had to wait another week – 7 weeks was the medical minimum – tell my mom so she could sign the paperwork, and come up with $380. In high school. That was a lot of money.

My BF took the cash out of his parents’ account, with the thinking that we’d simply tell them after it was done and hope they’d be pleased (they were.) My mom cried when I told her, then confessed that she and my father had aborted two years before I was born, when they were in high school. I made the appointment for a Friday I had off from school, and my mom had off from work (because she worked in the school system.) It happened to be Valentine’s Day. (more…)

These Things Happen

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

My abortion isn’t something I’m ashamed of. I had taken precautions, I was on birth control, and I got pregnant. As my gynecologist assured me, these things happen. And they do. And you get through them, although it doesn’t always seem that way at the time.

I found out I was pregnant about six weeks in. I had no appetite but felt nauseous. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I took three more, and had a friend take one as well. Me- four pluses, her- one negative. I went to Planned Parenthood and decided to have a medical abortion. My appointment was set for ten days later, so I had ten days of resting with my decision. I gave it endless thought, but never wavered. But I was surprised by how much in awe of my body I was. For ten days, I was constantly aware that there were two people where there used to be one. I brought a friend to the appointment with me, but didn’t tell the boy I was dating or my parents. I didn’t suspect they would try to convince me otherwise, I just wanted it to be as simple and quick as possible. I took the RU-486 pills one day, and then the next, exactly as instructed. It was two long days, but I just kept telling myself- soon this will be over.

When I went back for my follow-up exam the next week, they did an ultrasound and told me that the pills hadn’t fully worked. I tried to grasp the concept- to what extent did they work? What existed inside me right now? They told me I’d have to have a surgical abortion and I made another appointment for four days later. I felt removed from it all. It was a surgery, a medical procedure. Any indecision or grief I could’ve experienced had to have already passed.

I returned for my surgical abortion and chose a local anesthetic. I watched them perform the surgery- several minutes, nothing more. I went home and rested and knew that it was finally all over.

I’m not ashamed of my abortion. If it comes up in conversation, I’ll easily talk about it. I share my story so other women in similar situations will know that they’ve done nothing wrong, that there are millions of women who have gone through it and that they are not alone.

A Third Child…

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

It’s strange the way life works- I spent my teens and twenties worrying about getting pregnant, only to learn, in my thirties, that it would be more difficult than I expected. My husband and I began the fertility route- hormones, in vitro, every test possible. Getting pregnant became, literally, a science, and a profound financial and emotional burden. I doubted my body and my ability to be a mother. I felt barren, physically and emotionally. It became too much of a toll and after six years, we stopped trying.

Then I got pregnant. That is the way life works. I gave birth to a healthy baby, a miracle. Quickly after, I became pregnant again. Another healthy child. I was, and continue to be, blessed. The children grew older. And then, years later, I became pregnant again. I was 41, and our economic situation was not once it once was. I knew the statistics about babies born to “older woman,” and I knew what a commitment a child was. And honestly, my husband and I didn’t want a third child. We didn’t want to sacrifice what we wanted, nor what we could provide our children. We recognized that this pregnancy was a miracle, but it was a miracle that came too late.  I cried, thinking of the children I had, of what my unborn baby could potentially be. But our situation was already tough, I was working two jobs, and I didn’t want to have a child I might potentially resent. I considered adoption, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to part with my baby after carrying it- emotion would trump reason. So we chose abortion.  I cried, and cried. I expected to continue crying- for days, weeks, months, years.

But ironically, I think all the years of fertility work prepared me for the abortion. It felt like any of the other thousands of doctors appointments. I felt numb afterwards. I had the same barren feeling I would get when I would look at the EPT tests and realize that they were negative. Except, this was my choice- a choice for myself, my children and our lifestyle. And I stood behind it.

One of Those Girls

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

I always said I wouldn’t be one of those girls- the girls who got pregnant. But I didn’t use birth control because of a bad experience with medications, and I was fearful of concepts like an IUD. I never really fully understood birth control or the importance of it. I used condoms, but not regularly. But then I got pregnant. My boyfriend at the time and I had been dating for five months. I had come out of a longterm, unhealthy relationship and had just finished a long period of celibacy. I knew I was pregnant the moment it happened. The sex was different, I felt different, I felt I looked different. I was 22 and felt, for the first time, like a woman. And then I took a pregnancy test. I was overjoyed, and devestated. I couldn’t figure out which one more. What if this baby was the beginning of the rest of my life?What if this was meant to be?

By the time I found out I was pregnant, six weeks in, I had already been dumped. I had spent three months mourning the relationship. My nauseau, or fatigue, or lack of appetite were all associated with the breakup. Even my lack of period I associated with the breakup. But my boobs were large, and tender, and growing bigger by the minute. I had to face the facts. When I told my ex-boyfriend he was silent. Very silent.Hours seemed to pass before he asked me what I wanted to do. I realized my hope that he would suddenly change his mind about the relationship and want to have the baby was ridiculous. He didn’t want me, and he didn’t want the baby. And I didn’t want his baby. I wanted a child with someone who loved me and who wanted to be a parent. I no longer felt elated, or hopeful, I felt realistic. I didn’t think I would be one of those girls, and now I was, and it wasn’t so bad. I could handle it. (more…)