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Archive for the ‘1-2 months’ Category

Not Alone

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

How old was I when I had my abortion…

18.

Who did I tell…

Boyfriend, Roommate, Brother, Few Friends

How far along was I…

7 weeks from LMP

My story…

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and still do. Birth, parenting, and motherhood enchant me, so much so that I eventually want to become a Nurse Midwife, and be able to give every woman the opportunity to bring her child into the world with as much support, love, joy, and knowledge as is possible. I want women to make informed decisions about when and how they will have their children; to offer them access to information about their own bodies which schools often refuse to teach due to politics. I want them to be able to give as much to the next generation as possible, when they are prepared.

Before I even took the pregnancy test, I had a lurking suspicion that I was not just myself anymore. In January my period had been irregular; I had it on the 6th, then again on the 26th, much shorter than my usual 30-day cycle. I am not sure whether this made the boy and I less careful about our usual pulling-out/condoms routine. I had not been on birth control for over a year and a half due to poor side effects, and felt oddly invincible against pregnancy. Plus, all of the scientific journals supported us: sperm, when even found to be present in pre-cum (they were not found in some studies), were minimally motile, and their levels only risked at most 2.5% possibility of pregnancy. That’s better than condoms! Better than regular use of the pill! We were backed by peer-reviewed journals, the iron shield of all well-educated researchers like ourselves.

Yet we must have been careless, for my physical symptoms all pointed to the springing forth of new life. I kept telling myself that they must just be menstrual cramps, even though I had never felt this type of tugging and pulling ache before. My boobs were absolutely perfect, approaching a full cup size larger. I just wanted to live with my love in my arms, constantly embraced, and ignore all obligations of school, work, and volunteering. Sex enabled me to get out of my head for an hour or two, and I appreciated feeling like something in the world was able to feel so right; that I was made for something.
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Lost

Wednesday, March 14th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Lost and heartbroken.

How I feel now…

Finding myself again, but a little chunk of my heart is still missing from this.

Who did you tell?

Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt, Father of my child and my best friend

My story…

Saturday, July 24th 2010 I found out i was pregnant, I was 21 years old and a week late on my period. My boyfriend and I had broken up the same week I found out I was pregnant, only a few days before. I was still coping with what had happened in my relationship with him when on the way to work one day I felt the need to take a pregnancy test. I went to the drugstore and bought a box of 3 pregnancy test. I stopped by my grandmothers house where she, my mother and brother were visiting her because she had just got home from having a him replacement. I snuck in the bathroom and room and took one of the test…before I could get my pants back up the test read positive, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach but somehow i held myself together long enough to get out of my grandmas house without any of my family knowing there was coming wrong….on the way to work I called my ex boyfriend to let him know the news, which I was scared of how he was going to react and the support that he was going to offer me. Suprisingly he was very nice and told me we would figure it all out and for me to stay calm, not even a minute after we got off the phone he called me back demanding I have an abortion and proceeded to tell me that the child was probably not his anyway…we hung up the phone and had to face a 8 hour shift at the hospital where I work. During work I did all that I could to keep myself together, I went to the bath room randomly to take my other two test, I just wasnt believing that this was happening to me, and that I was all alone. Being a coward, but needing my mother to know, i sent her a text message and told her that I was pregnant. After I got off work I went home and my mother and I stayed up all night talking about the different choices that were available to me, and talk about what the outcome of each one would be… I was so lost, didnt know what to do. I have always been the type that loves kids, all ages…and they all seem to love me… I always dreamed of being a mother. My mother left it up to me to make the desicion and told me she would support anything that I decided to do. (more…)

I Lost the World

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

Condoms are made to bar a natural process and years of sex course after sex course I was acutely aware of it. I’d made up my mind that if you needed an abortion you must have your reasons, just don’t involve me. Later on sex evolved into something private but I loved it because it felt good being so close to someone. Looking back I think it has long represented the things I’ve always wanted: someone to share life with who would want to tell me their hopes, fears, everyday stuff, who’d care about my stuff, tell me when i’m being stupid but also know how to be supportive, share some of my interests, be a motivator and a contributor: the perfect guy. Sex would be the cherry in the virgin mary after time spent going through the motions of all of these things with this one guy. Kind of like a reward for good behavior or the trophy at the end of a marathon, sleep after a long day.

And then it happened. At first I was in disbelief, the lines weren’t entirely clear, it wasn’t just the light in the room. Still that was enough to trigger me off and it only grew worse to find i was 4 weeks along, too early. We went to the nearest planned parenthood and I had a medical abortion in my room at 6 weeks. My mother was the only person who knew in my family. Even today my father doesn’t know. It was excruciating and in the end past the vomiting, the blood, the pain, I remember my mother saying “she didn’t have to go through this” as my guy at the time stood in the living room after she had gotten home. No one was allowed at the house but she had made the exception but after seeing me in pain that was the worst she could say.

Every day I never forget. Let me be clear, I wanted that baby, and I want to have children. I also loved that guy. But I refused to have that baby and drag someone through a chance where I couldn’t raise them myself, the possibility of a split family, being the black sheep, not having enough, when there are already so many people like that in this world. I have lived a privileged life, I can’t live with giving any less. For the last year I have seen my recklessness and his, realizing through some of his prior actions that he won’t change and that I don’t see those things I need to be in love with a person for life, in him. I don’t blame him, because that recklessness in him is really what was in me. I realize that I knew the important bits about the general things I wanted in life and that I ignored it. In the end, I lost the world.
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Dragonfly Diaries

Monday, August 1st, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Scared, worried if I was making a mistake.

How I feel now…

A bit of grieving, but a lot of relief at the same time.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

21.

My story…

I am 21 years old…I have always wanted a baby, and three weeks ago i found out i was pregnant. I was beyond overjoyed…i told my boyfriend and he was very unsure about the situation. he wanted me to have an abortion from the moment he found out…..
I was devestated. I wanted more than anything to be a mother…to keep the baby. I went ahead with the thought that nobody could take my baby from me and that i could be a single mother. I wasnt going to let anyone tell me otherwise.
So I announced to my friends and family that i would be having a baby, and everyone was super excited. my mother made little dresses for if it were a girl…and my aunt gave me a rockerchair for the baby too. people were planning baby showers and i couldnt help but get attatched and more happy.
I saw an ultrasound of my baby at 7 weeks, and it hit me. i couldnt do it alone. No matter how badly i wanted to be a mother….i couldnt do it alone. Not to mention the fact that my boyfriend told me he was planning on taking me to court for custodial rights if i chose to have the baby. It was too much stress, and no good for my baby. I wanted everything to be perfect, and i wanted the perfect life for my child.
I called planned parenthood and scheduled an in clinic surgical abortion. It was a two week wait before they could get me in. Two whole weeks of wondering if i was making the right choice….or a mistake….a big one.
The wednesday night before the appointment I spent the night over my now ex boyfriends house. The plan was to spend the night, and he was going to take me to the appointment in the morning. That way he could be there for me, at least once through my situation.
I slept very poorly that night. We woke up, and drove very quietly for the hour that it took to ge to the clinic.
There was a very long wait, before the actual procedure. Bloodwork, std tests, counceling and several cigarette breaks. also a woman outside the gates of the clinic yelling about jesus….and that i was doing the wrong thing.
When the nurse came back…it was time. and i was pretty well held together until i got into the room. They try to make it a comfortable relaxing place…..but there is no covering up the death in that room.
I sat on the table with my boyfriend in the chair next to me…the tears started to flow, and they didnt stop.
The shot that they gave me in my cervix didnt hurt at all…It was the tubes they inserted that hurt the most….that and the actual moving and sucking. I cried the hardest i have ever cried, from pain and from the fact that i was losing my child. I had to hold myself back from screaming from the pain and the emotions that i was experiencing. I said i silent “im so sorry baby…” and said goodbye to my child. The procedure was finished in about ten minutes. I was running a fever of 102. and my blood pressure was very high…but as soon as i had the strength they moved me to a room with reclining chair and a heating pad, and the nurse put a cold cloth on my forehead and gave me some gingerale…to ease my stomach.
I didnt cry on the way home. And took a hot bath. I wonder if i made the right choice, and i have cried several times since then. It has only been two days since my abortion….and I know that i have come out of it with a stronger sense of the world we live in. I know it sounds stupid….but I have never believed in abortions, I thought that they were for the poor, girls who were too young….or anybody who had been raped. I know now that abortions are common, and 1 in 3 women will have at least one by age 35. I personally would never do it again….but if you are in a place where you need the help…and you cant seem to decide…talk to someone. talk to several people….get their opinions. many women have different stories to share….everyone has a different experience. I am a stronger woman because of the choice i made….and yes, i may feel regret and guilt right now….that is normal…and in time…i will be ok. Because no matter how it hurt, both physically and emotionally……I know that i made the right decision. and i did not take a life…i saved one. and when i am with a man that i will be with forever, and in love and truly ready…then i will be a mother….but until then, i chose to have an iud put in. now im good for five years. and until i am ready…i will not have to make that decision again. no more surprises for this chica. i wish you all the best of luck…wether you have already had an abortion…or you are simply trying to make a choice. I wont push you either way….but what i will say is that it isnt a joke or something you can just do. Abortion is a very serious decision, and everyone should be totally informed either way.
Good luck and much love
Delilah

Worried

Sunday, July 17th, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Worried

How I feel now…

Better after reading other stories.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

24.

What type of abortion did I have?

Vacuum aspiration.

Where was my abortion performed?

Little Rock Planned Parenthood.

How far along was I?

7-8 weeks.

Who did I tell?

Mom, sister, boyfriend, grandmother, boss, therapist, doctor.

My story…

I’m 24 years old and found out on June 24th 2011 that i was pregnant, I had a break down in the bathroom after seeing the positive, i was only 4 days late for my period and i assumed if was from all the medications i had been on along with all the stress in my life. Let me explain my stress and my medications 1st my stress like i said im 24 years old, when i was 18 i started working in a 911 dispatch center. i did not know the mental and emotional stress this would put me under. I was able to keep the issues from work buried down deep inside and never deal with them and then in April of this year i had a massive mental break down i cried all the time couldn’t work didn’t want to do anything. So i went to a doctor who told me i had major depressive disorder, anxiety, and post traumatic disorder. So i have been on Zoloft 50mg, then Zoloft 100mg, xanax .25mg, then changed to lexapro 40mg and 2 a day dosage of xanax .5mg. I know that im not ready for a child when i myself am not emotionally or mentally stable to have a child, now before anyone starts saying the wonderful “you should have used protection thing” My gyno did not think i would ever be able to get pregnant my ex husband and i tried for over 2 years and i never got pregnant cause when i was 18 i had callused cyst removed from both my ovaries and endometriosis, but i did get pregnant by my new boyfriend and it was a shocker. I have always been very pro choice in certain situations like rape,incest, baby born with birth defects or being born mentally retarded and never knowing a real life. I’m having my abortion procedure tomorrow and im so scared, i haven’t been worried about it till today the day before i go in, i know this will be something that ill have to think about the rest of my life, but to me i feel like im doing the right thing. i also don’t feel like a baby murder because when i saw my ultra sound they said the baby was the size of a sesame seed, no organs had been formed and they had no heart beat yet, so to me this is not like killing a baby. I just do hope that women know you do have a choice in your life, if you feel like you cant take care of your child due to mental and emotional issues in your life take care of yourself first, my doctor also warned me that since i have depression i have a 100% chance of getting post part-um after the baby is born and that’s just as bad. I hope my story helps someone cause the stories i have read have helped me a lot. thank you.

Parental Consent

Friday, June 10th, 2011

This is not a story of my own abortion, but of my daughters. She’s seventeen and she recently, without telling either her father or I, had an abortion by getting a judge to waive the parental involvement laws that, in the state we live in, mandate that a youth younger than eighteen receive parental agreement to their child’s choice to abortion. I only found this out by finding paperwork from a clinic detailing the results of her pregnancy test and pre-op information for her abortion. When I found the paperwork, I was initially livid- why would she do this without discussing it with us? How could she have gotten herself in this situation? I remember thinking- she’s such a good girl- while knowing that “good girl” or not, everyone makes mistakes. After the anger subsided, I was heartbroken. I’m her mother, and I’m a woman. I could’ve helped her, I could’ve made it easier for her and nursed her back to health, emotionally and physically. I could’ve explained to her that she doesn’t need to hide this decision, this huge part of her life- that her father and I would understand. I cried for days and was unable to look at her or hold a conversation with her.

Finally, because I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I sat her down and gently asked her why she did this without telling me or her father. She immediately started crying, which only made me cry, and said that she was embarrassed and ashamed and didn’t want to disappoint us or let us down. It broke my heart and I tried my best to explain to her that we wouldn’t have judged her, that we would’ve supported her decision and that she could’ve put herself at risk by not telling us.

It was a good moment and opened a new form of communication between us, but it also made me consider issues I’ve never thought of before. The shame and embarrassment surrounding abortion alienates people, especially women, and the states that require parental consent for abortion can easily lead to desperate, misinformed teens making bad and dangerous decisions. It’s important that we culturally move past the shame surrounding abortion and learn to speak freely about it- with our daughters and our mothers, but also with the men in our lives, with our sons and brothers and fathers.

 

 

Two days ago

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

Two days ago I had an abortion. While I am thoroughly pro-choice and always have been, I’ve always had a little voice in my head that told me that if it came down to it, I wouldn’t personally have an abortion. I was lucky to be well informed about sex education and never had to deal with even facing that situation as  teen or in my twenties. But I’m now 31, married and I have a two year old child. I’ve been switching birth controls trying to find a better pill for me (my hormones are messed up from my pregnancy), and believed that my birth control was protecting me from pregnancy when it wasn’t.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was beyond confused. I felt like the world was collapsing around me, but I couldn’t understand why. I have a beautiful daughter, and she’s the most important thing in my life (besides my husband), but both my husband and I only wanted one child. But knowing the highs and emotional attachment to my baby I felt during pregnancy, I had a really hard time and a lot of guilt coming to terms with the decision that I was going to abort my second child. My husband was wonderful throughout and very supportive. We discussed it over and over again and came to terms with the fact that we like our life the way it is, that we only have resources to properly raise one child well and that this is a very sad, unfortunate situation, but that we have to follow our hearts.

I went to the doctor and was told I was four weeks along, but it would be better to wait to have the abortion until I was at least six weeks. Over the next two weeks I did a lot of thinking and a lot of crying, but I knew, deep down, that I didn’t want another child and there was no way I could give my baby up for adoption.

The abortion itself was fine- it was much like any of the countless obgyn appointments I had when I was pregnant. Afterwards, I felt slightly ill or tipsy, like I was drunk- maybe from the anesthetic they gave me- but emotionally, I felt okay. My husband was with me the whole way and we got home and sat with our daughter and talked about how blessed we were to have her and how blessed we were to have the options of family planning and birth control and abortion that could let us create the life we want to have.

 

High-Risk and Scared

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

How I felt at the time…

Numb.

How I feel now…

Sad but relieved.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

19 1/2

Who did I tell?

Only my family.

I am a sophomore in college – only 19, and had been dating the man I intend to marry for 7 months (he is 28) when I discovered I was 4 weeks pregnant. For 2 weeks I thought I’d keep it- but 2 ER visits, 5 ultrasounds, and 6 blood draws later I had enough. I was diagnosed with a septate uterus- which means I have a septum that splits my uterus. People with my condition have anywhere from a 4-84% chance of miscarrying their child, delivering a stillborn in the 2nd trimester, or a premature birth.

I loved my baby, I even named it. The Dad loved it too. My father was supportive of my decision while my mom practically disowned me as she is a pro lifer while I am pro choice. I never wanted to get rid of my baby. But I didn’t even know if it’d survive and me and my boyfriend can barely afford our house together.

The staff and Doctor were really nice, they put me to sleep for the procedure- I woke up  alone in a recovery room- I had slight amnesia apparently I had taken some pills for pain and had a small discussion but I don’t recall it- the nurse informed me. The pain was the most horrible cramping ever… but the lortab they gave me started working an hour later and it went away. As I write this I got the abortion today. It was the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

I love you, little baby. And I hope that once I get my defective uterus surgically fixed I will be able to be blessed with a healthy child.

I exercised my right to choose

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

Stupid, scared, confused

How I feel now…

At peace

Who I told…

My best guy friend, my sister, my stepmom, and my dad

Who came with me to my abortion…

My stepdad

How old was I…

20

My story…

When the word “Pregnant” showed up on that pee stick I thought my world was over. I saw my college and professional careers go down the tube. I saw many of my relationships crumble or strain. I saw the looks of disappointment on many of my family members faces. I saw my world end. All of this flooding my mind in what seemed like ten minutes, but was only ten seconds. Yes, I was probably overreacting, but I’m 20 and in college… It tends to happen. As I put my hand on my belly and put the test up to the light for the tenth time to make sure I wasn’t misreading it, I knew in the back of my head there was no way that I could keep it. It wasn’t the right time in my life at all. I was getting ready to start my junior year of college. There was no way I could financially or academically take off a semester, let alone a year of school to be pregnant.  It wasn’t possible.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room to break the news to my dad. As tears began to run down my face he got up and hugged me. He promised me that no matter what my decision was he was behind me the whole way through. He kept his promise, taking me to all of the appointments and supporting me through it all.
Since then I’ve had to deal with friends who don’t know about what happened making comments about abortions and people who get them, throwing around terms like “baby killers” and “heartless” like nothings. I’ve had to walk through the demonstrations by our on-campus “pro-life” group. It’s become easier to brush these aside and not let them hurt me, but it still happens. The thing is I’m not heartless. Hell, I’m going to school to be a teacher! I also practically raised my baby sister. That’s exactly how I knew I wasn’t ready. I just remind myself that those people don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They don’t know how I felt or what I experienced. I’m at peace with myself, and to me that’s all that matters.
What it all comes down to what that It was my decision and my life. I can’t change my decision, nor would I ever. I followed my head and my heart, and my story would have been completely different if I hadn’t.

Never Grow Up

Sunday, December 12th, 2010

How I felt at the time…

confused, sick, in a false content mood.

How I feel now…

depressed, but at peace.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

14

How far along was I?

8 weeks.

Who came with me to the abortion?

My mom.

My story…

I was 14, and extremely naive. Knew nothing, wanted nothing, except to be a mother. I dreamed of it. One day I slept over at my best friend’s house, and i woke up extremely nauseous. i ran to her bathroom and threw up. At that time i knew. I told her about me and my on-off boyfriend at the time, and she called her cousin to take us to Wal-mart for a pregnancy test. I went home later that day, and took it. Two lines appeared. Two. The test was positive. i called to tell my boyfriend. He was excited, and he told me that he would do whatever he could to support me and the baby. we even decided on names. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was shocked, and excited, and scared. i instanly was attached. When my mom wasn’t home, i’d play music in headphones and press them to my tummy so my baby could hear. Even though my baby’s ears weren’t developed yet, it was a comforting feeling. But as i went along, i started throwing up more often. My mom was worried at first. I knew I would have to tell her, but she had figured it out before i was ready to tell her. She was so mad and depressed, she instantly pressed me to “take care of it”, and shoved the phonebook at me and forced me to call. The increased stress was hard on both of us. She walked about the house, threatening that she wanted to kill herself, and I was terrifed. But i could do nothing more than lay on the bathroom floor, feeling so weak. My strenght was gone, pure gone. I knew it wasn’t the baby’s fault, he was just an innocent victim of a terrible mistacke, and for that, i wanted to make it up to him. i wanted to keep him, and be the best mommy i could. But I didn’t want is to come about it this way. The night before my appointment, i stood up to my mom and told her i was keeping the baby. she threw the phone at me and told me to call my aunt. She was supportive of any decision I made, and asked me many questions to help me untangle the tangled thoughts in my head. After talking with her and my cousin (who had a baby at 17) I knew what i had to do.

I loved this baby, would give my life for him, but i knew i could never give him the life he deserved. my friend and I agreed that I was giving my baby to God. i remember throwing up in a plastic bag before i walked into the clinic, and some guy come to me, shovved a piece of paper at me, and told me i was making a selfish coice. All i could think of, is “You don’t know me, you don’t know my situation, and i feel terrible of what i have to do, but what gives you the right to make me feel worse? I will suffer in my own way. Mind your own buisness.” I was given an ultrasound, and I had pictures of my baby given to me. my mom took them and put them in her purse. I went back and sompleted the procedure, which was difficult and painful, all i can remember is a lady by me that kept saying “take a deep breath; blow it all the way out” I did as she asked. Afterwards, my nausea ceased, and i had put myself into a false content state, to fool everyone that I was stable. I just wanted out. I left the clinic, got in the car, and covered myself with what was supposed to be my baby’s blanked. When I got home, My mother put the pictures of my pretty baby in the filing cabinet. I locked myself away in my room, and slept for 4 hours. When i woke up, she was gone, and I tokk the pictures out of the filing cabinet. I keep them in my favorite book, on the page of my Estimated due date. After that, I cried all night for four weeks. And I still do. But I have come to peace with it, My baby is with God. For awhile i felt like i was forbidden from entering a church, but my good friend told me that i was forgiven, and i belived her.  I’m still learning to forgive myself, but i always come to the fact that i will never really forgive myself. i just wanted to tell my story, because i know that if someone had told me, “I know it hurts, but if you feel that this is the best thing for the baby, god will forgive you, and you can resume living in harmony.” I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing. Last night, i had a dream that i was holding my baby; It was a beautiful girl. She was at peace, but all i could do was cry. I don’t know why i was crying. When i woke up, i closed my eyes and begged my memory to let me see her again. But she was gone. As long as she is safe, i am at a slight peace.