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Archive for the ‘1-2 months’ Category

The Choice I Never Thought I’d Make…

Thursday, December 3rd, 2015

I have always wanted to be a mother someday. Always. In fact it’s the one thing about myself that I’ve always been sure of. If you had asked me at any point before I found out I was pregnant, I would have said that if I ever had an unintended pregnancy, I’d have the baby and make the best of it. A funny thing happens when what you always thought meets reality for the first time – your entire perspective shifts in the blink of an eye.

My period was about 2 days late, which isn’t terribly unusual but I knew this was different. I knew the night before I took the test what it would say but I waited til morning anyway. There they were, two little pink lines staring at me. I lost it. I started sobbing as silently as I could manage so as to not wake my boyfriend. I apologized to the tiny life growing inside me. I went to the store on my lunch break that day to buy another test, just to be sure. Yep, definitely pregnant.

That evening, I got home before my boyfriend. I nervously waited for him to get home. When he did, he began putting some things away and I mustered all of my courage and said, “Babe I need to tell you something.” He furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head silently asking, “What is it?” I had only two words, the rest were stuck somewhere in the back of my throat. “I’m pregnant.” And then I shrugged my shoulders, looked down and wept. He came over to me immediately, put this hand on my knee and waited for me to speak again. “I took two tests.” Why am I suddenly so bad with words? We talked for a long while. He asked me if I had been on birth control. I lied and said that I had been. I had been using the Nuva Ring for years. My prescription ran out two months prior and even though I had back up pill packs, I kept forgetting to take them. I didn’t do it on purpose, I just wasn’t in the habit and didn’t make it a priority. Maybe that little fact doesn’t matter, so I pushed it out of my mind. He said he didn’t think we were ready to have a kid. I didn’t disagree. He said that it was my choice – “It’s your body, it’s your decision.” Did I mention how horrible I am at making small decisions? How am I supposed to make this one? Whatever I do, my life is irreversibly changed. I’ll carry this with me for the rest of my life.

I made an appointment at the Women’s Health Clinic in town to talk to an abortion counselor and to find out exactly how far along I was – 4 weeks at that point, barely pregnant at all. I had the luxury/curse of time. I gave myself a deadline to decide. 2 weeks. I have to decide in 2 weeks or I’ll drive myself insane. I changed my mind at least a dozen times within a week and then I wrote my boyfriend a letter – I’ve always been better with words written down rather than spoken. I said that my instinct was telling me to keep the baby and that I hoped he could forgive me. I said that I believed in us and even though it would be difficult, we’d have each other and the support of both our families. After I gave him the letter, I was overcome with anxiety. Already second-guessing my “instinct” before we’d even had a chance to talk about it. When I got home that night, he gave me a big hug and said that he needed some time to process before we talk about it. I understood of course, I had just dropped a bomb on him after all.

I couldn’t sleep a wink that night. I called my sister in the morning and she took me out to lunch. I explained my thoughts up until that point to her. She asked me to consider my future… “think 10 years into the future, which decision would you regret more?” I spent the weekend really thinking about it. Which decision would I regret more? The answer I didn’t want became increasingly clear. This was the first time in this whole process that I really considered the fact that this was an easily preventable mistake. It was all my fault. Not only had I been lazy and negligent with my birth control, but I then lied about it to everyone in my life because I didn’t want that to be a factor. I was ashamed. I considered my life as a whole. I am 27 years old and only just getting my life together. I am in the process of fixing years of big financial mistakes. I have a lot of debt relative to my income and I’m barely making ends meet as it is. I have fairly regular emotional breakdowns about money and how bad I am at making adult decisions. I am trying to be healthy physically and emotionally, but I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to be a mother and it’s because of the choices I’ve made. I would regret more bringing a child into the world and into my life under false pretenses. I would regret more creating a life of struggle and possibly resentment for myself, my child and the father of my child. It’s the hardest thing in the world to acknowledge harsh truths about yourself.

So I made the appointment.The clinic only does abortions on Fridays and the next one would be Friday the 13th. I would never describe myself as superstitious but there’s something very off-putting about having an abortion on Friday the 13th. So I’d have to wait almost 2 weeks before the appointment. I no longer felt anxious about my decision but the next two weeks were pure emotional hell. This was the deepest and most sustained depression I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t want it to be this way. I never thought I’d be here. I wish I was ready, I want the baby. But I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready. That I wouldn’t be able to provide the life my first child deserves. I don’t want to just make it work. I want more than that for myself and for my children. I’ll be a better mother a few years from now.

This is a huge wake-up call. I’m not getting any younger and I simply cannot keep drifting through life as though the future is some distant place where everything magically works out for me. The future is here right now and it’s up to me to better myself to make my life more welcoming for my future children. I have some big changes to make within myself and it’s time to step up and put in some honest hard work. The next time I get pregnant, I will be ready.

I am so lucky to have a lot of support in my life. My sisters and boyfriend and friends have all been incredibly supportive and encouraging. The abortion counselor told me something that really stuck with me. She said, “No matter what you decide, know your decision is coming from a place of love.” It might not make sense to some people, but I terminated my pregnancy because I love my future children, because I’m not yet ready to be the mother they deserve, because I want a better life for them. I made my decision with love. This was the single most difficult decision I’ve ever made. Sure, a small part of me will always wonder what might have been, but I don’t regret it. I made the best decision I felt I could and my life and my family will be better for it.

With love,

Rachael

 

Still the right choice

Wednesday, May 27th, 2015

How I felt at the time…

Resolute and full of remorse at the same time.

How I feel now…

Its still the right choice for me.

My Story….

In my senior year of college, I made a lot of choices. Most of them, looking back now, were made because I wasn’t preparing myself mentally for what lay ahead after graduation. Instead I made short-term, instant gratification my priority. This involved a lot of partying and hooking up with guys that I didn’t care about emotionally. I wanted to rebel, to reject the status quo of growing up and getting a job and being responsible.

Well, one of my nights of partying led to an encounter with a guy who I had been hooking up with for a while, quite exclusively. We were both so drunk that either the condom slipped off or was just not put on in the first place.

I started feeling the symptoms of pregnancy pretty immediately. I went to a wedding the following weekend and my appetite and emotions were so out of whack that my best friend and I both deduced that I should probably take a pregnancy test.

Seeing that plus sign on that white plastic stick made my heart sink. The little bathroom stall in my college dorm was a pretty claustrophobic place to begin with but I really couldn’t breathe when I first saw the proof that I was pregnant. There wasn’t really a thought in my mind that I should keep it. I just wanted to get the abortion over with as fast as possible.

Timing was tricky. It was just over two weeks before graduation and I also had final papers and tests to take in order to graduate. I’m grateful for Planned Parenthood – even though I still had to wait a week and a half for my procedure, at least I could get the medical care I needed and there was no red tape to wade through. I was still in the middle of final exams when I went in to get the procedure done on a Friday morning. No protestors were around when I entered the building and I remember being surprised that the facilities were located in a strip mall alongside a 99 cent store, a lavanderia and an auto-supply shop. How do these mundane conveniences work alongside the complex and vital role that a place like Planned Parenthood plays in society?

I pondered questions like this while waiting, with my two best friends, in the waiting room. When I was taken into the medical office, the whole experience could not have been more understanding, non-judgmental, and professional. I think I was in and out within two hours. My mind has since blocked out the whole physical part of the procedure but I do remember thinking that it was not as painful as I had anticipated.

After it was over, I was very woozy with medication and my friends drove me to the house where we were going to be living for the summer. This was the ultimate convenience at the time: our rent had just started on the new place, and that made it possible for me to recover in anonymity for the weekend, before returning to campus and the full throttle of finishing finals and all the graduation activities. Without the support of my close friends – who never once questioned my decision or my needs, I don’t know if I could have adequately recovered enough to be present the week of commencement.

It was a surreal time that week. Going through the motions, as everyone else around me was so excited for what was next. I tried hard to act like it was all OK but when I look at pictures from that time I see a very unhappy person who was so uncertain about what she had done and what she was going to do.

I’ve thought a lot about justification for my choice. And it turns out, that path doesn’t really work for me. At first I told myself that I would “make it worth it” and that instead of mothering a child that I didn’t want, I would devote my life to making the world a better place in different ways. I’ve done that in small contributions along the way. The best thing I can say is that when I start to think about how old the child would have been or what their contribution to the world would have been, I take a deep breath and remember that this was my choice. At the time I got pregnant, I was in no emotional or monetary place to raise a child and that is that.

I’m much older now and I have built a life that I love very much, sharing it with a partner who also had a similar experience during college. We both agree that having children may not be the way we choose to spend our time here on earth. As our friends begin to couple off and have children, I’m getting the same old resilient feeling that I don’t feel like the status quo is my calling. And the choice I made when I was 21 has helped me to stay true to that.

Thank you to all the others here who have shared their stories. The chorus of voices is comforting and uplifting. To anyone reading this story, thank you and I hope that you find the choice that is best for you.

Just get really quiet and you will know in your heart.

I dont know what I want, but I know I wish this never happened

Tuesday, February 17th, 2015

My story…

i never wanted kids, i don’t even like being around children. I look at new mothers with strollers and wonder why the hell they feel like they have to show off their kids like they made some kind of accomplishment in their lives. I resent children and people who love children. I unfriend people on Facebook when they become pregnant because I just don’t care to hear how “difficult their lives have become” and how “amazing” their children are. Who cares? Definitely not me.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and the only reason why I have been feeling better about children is because he wants children. His two young nieces are a complete joy to be around and I love them to death, but when those girls leave, I am back to hating kids.

I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. It was a strong gut feeling. Both tests read positive before I even finished urinating on the stick. Once we knew I was pregnant, everything made sense. My stomach had been hurting, I had been feeling nauseous, my boobs have been swollen for three weeks, my crazy cravings are even crazier, and my hormones are out of control.

My best friend is pregnant. She got married about a year ago and was finally able to conceive a baby. I have never been happier in my life for someone to have a baby. This was the major reason why I was excited about my own pregnancy. How amazing is it that we both would be having children at the same time? She got me so excited about having a child of my own.

My boyfriend and I have always wanted to get married and have children after college. While we are well into our twenties we both still have not completed our Bachelors yet and therefore we have deemed ourselves to be not ready. So despite our excitement to start our family a bit earlier than expected, we have ultimately decided that we absolutely cannot be ready for a child at this time.

And for some unknown reason I am crushed.

I know we can’t do this right now. We just bought our first home, we are swimming in bills, student loans, credit card debts, and all sorts of financial issues. There is no way for us to financially support a tiny human. I know this and I have come to terms with this.

So I scheduled my abortion. But now I can’t stop crying.

I am so terrified of the protesters, the pain it will cause, the conversation with my mother about using our health insurance, talking with my boss about taking time off of work, everything about this is so terrifying. This is so scary. I am so scared. I have never felt so wrapped up in fear and that makes me feel so sick.

I am worried that I will have to go manage my store the day after I take the second pill and that I will be bleeding everywhere as this embryo exits my body. Will my associates know? Will my clients know? Will it hurt? Do I even have to tell my boss? What if she’s against abortion and makes me feel uncomfortable at my amazing job until I quit?

What is going to happen?
Will I be okay?
When will I stop being so afraid?

I wonder if having a baby would be less scary.

No one to talk to

Tuesday, February 17th, 2015

My story…

I had met an older man (28) off of Plenty of Fish. It was the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I thought that this guy was amazing, he had a good a job, wanted the same things I did or so I thought. We were together one week and had unprotected sex once. I had no idea I was pregnant until a month later when I tried to give blood and my iron was extremely low. I was also very tired and was having light cramping, I knew something was off. I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test, it came back positive. I must have cried for hours on end. I felt as though ending my life would be better than being pregnant. But I had an abortion and to be honest, I never felt better about my life after. I know I made the right decision and I had a great support system. But it gets hard not being able to talk to people about it and not being able to explain to men why I don’t want to have sex just yet. But over time I will be better. I will feel better eventually.

How I felt at the time…

Relieved

How I feel now…

Alone

Who I told…

Mom, roomate, a few friends

I feel alone

Thursday, March 6th, 2014

My story….

I’m 27, and lost my virginity last year to my boyfriend. Was planning on saving myself but unfortunately that didn’t happen. After it happened I began having regrets but just like a guy they’re gonna convince u other wise…and I gave in. We began having issues and still is, but he says he loves me and wants to be with me but I’m not buying it. So now I’m pregnant and all alone because I can’t hardly talk to him and express my feelings cause he’s never around. I want to talk to my mom, because she went through this too before she had me but he doesn’t want me to and I’m scared because for the same reason she had the abortion is the same reason I’m having it plus other things. I need someone I can go to and just cry my eyes out. Can’t cry with him cause he’s a jerk…and that’s another reason y I can’t keep it because when this is over eventually so is he because he’s brought nothing but stress n heartache to my life…and he’s living his life but as long as he takes me is all that matters to me right now…then I can get back to my old life…I’m scared and nervous about the procedure…want to do the pill but want it to be over as soon as possible but then I’m scared of the surgical procedure but I’ve been reading that once its done its done…where as with the pill u have to keep going back until its over. I just need some comfort and help.

How I feel now…

Alone, anxious, nervous.

How old was I when I had my abortion? 

I’m 27… scheduled for next week

How far along am I? 

5 weeks.

Not the right time

Monday, November 11th, 2013

I wanted another baby, but it was too soon. As cheesy as it sounds, the condom broke. My husband and I don’t even have time to have a lot of sex, but the one time we did in a month…it broke. I didn’t think about taking the morning after pill, because, well, I just didn’t think of it. It had taken 2 years of proper trying to get pregnant with our 7 month old, so I thought, there’s no way it would happen once off a broken condom.

The first sign I was pregnant was when I threw up. Repeatedly. I had had hypermesis with my first pregnancy, and it was back with a vengeance. When I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I cried. I sobbed. I said “This cannot be happening.” My first reaction was one of horror. But then I tried to get into the spirit of having another baby so soon. I looked at double strollers and thought about names. Then reality set in.

I was the breadwinner of the family (my husband works, but we cannot live on his salary, and he is unwilling to be a stay-at-home parent), and if I had this second baby, I couldn’t keep my job, not the way I wanted to because of timing. I love my job, and didn’t want to be home with a new baby so soon after coming off of my first stint of extended maternity leave. We were already stretched to the limits taking care of our 7 month old, and we were afraid another baby would break the bank, raise our stress levels, and possibly break our relationship. I know it sounds overly dramatic to read, but there are many factors I’m not listing here. It was a real concern. But most of all, the hypermesis was back. At 6 weeks I was throwing up 4 – 8 times a day, the nausea only letting up when I was fast asleep, and even then I woke up in the middle of the night once just to throw up. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and was so dehydrated I fainted. Any water I attempted to drink was thrown up. I lay on the couch for 8 days sucking on ice chips. It was awful. I couldn’t be a mother to my 7 month old, who stopped sleeping and got very clingy, because he could sense that something was wrong and I wasn’t taking care of him. My husband had to take care of everything- the dog, the baby, me, calling my work (I was home on sick leave the whole time), the housework, everything. With my first baby it lasted six months, but there was just two of us then, so who cared if I laid on the couch and the house was a wreck? We’re usually a 50/50 partnership….but he had to handle the whole load, and he turned to me and said “We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I need you. The baby needs you. And you’re going to be lost to us for six months”

So, we talked about it, talked about it again, and then decided that it would be best for our family and our future not to have this baby. We want another child, but not now. It was too soon. When our 7 month old is 2 or 3 we can explain why mom isn’t feeling well, when I’ve had my job for a few years, and proven my worth, I will have more job security, when we’re more financially stable we won’t be so stressed, when we move out of our 1 bedroom apartment, we’ll be more ready.

Still, it was emotionally painful for me. I felt like I was destroying something we created, our baby. In some respects I still feel that way. Even though it wasn’t even a fetus, it was technically still an embryo, I sometimes look at my son and wonder if we made a mistake. But I don’t know how serious I am about it, I really could not have handled another newborn, and all the other things that come with a baby. I don’t regret it perse. I also look at him, where I’m able to play with him, feed him, bathe him, change (I couldn’t do any of those things, because even the smell of his breath used to make me throw up when I was pregnant), and know that I did right by him. We will now have the life we planned, and wanted. Perhaps it’s too short of a time ago. It happened just 10 days ago, and I’m still bleeding, so I haven’t fully made my piece with it.

Every time I think, “perhaps we shouldn’t have,” all the reason we did, and why I’m glad we did come back to me.

I had a medical abortion. It went well. I cried when I took the pills, but as soon as the nausea went away, and I knew the pregnancy was terminated, I felt better. I felt lighter and more myself. That helped. I was immediately able to play with my son, had my energy back, and felt like my life was moving forward again.

I thought I’d never have an abortion. The risk was over. I was married with a home and work and a baby, I would never have a reason to abort. I was wrong about that. But I wasn’t wrong about my decision. About OUR decision.

To others in a similar situation. You are not alone. And don’t go searching the internet too much, there’s some hateful and hurtful stuff out there. I found it, and it made me feel awful about myself. Thank you supportion. This website has helped me more than I can say. So I hope my story helps others.

My Silence

Monday, April 29th, 2013

If you’re a woman, and maybe also if you’re a man, you’ve at some point been in a conversation about abortion. Come that time, maybe you felt everyone rushing around to find their role. There are the women and men who will talk about their abortions without shame. Good for them – it’s harder than it might seem. Then there will be those who nod and lament – they never had to make the decision and are uncertain what they would do. Then there are those who never had to make the decision but despite being pro-choice do not think abortion would be their choice. Then there are those who will sit in silence. I am one of those and I’m not proud of it.

Dr.King, ever so wise, said “In the end we’ll remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” I’d say that in the end we’ll remember not our friends silence, but our own. I had an abortion. I was seventeen and uneducated about sex and got pregnant. Home was unstable and I was working hard to be the first in my family to go to college. I didn’t want a baby. I wanted a college education and a good job and, when the time was right, a family. I had an abortion and it allowed me the freedom to educate myself. It allowed me the freedom to, as an adult, have the stability I wasn’t given as a child. I didn’t want to bring a child into more instability. I had an abortion and it was the right choice for me. I had an abortion and I don’t need to justify that choice. So why can’t I say that out loud?

I wish I could now tell a redemptive tale about that time, in a conversation about abortion, that I joined the loud and proud and said yes, I had an abortion and yes, it was the right choice for me. Yes, I am willing to risk stigma and judgement to protect that choice. But I haven’t. Not yet. What I’m afraid of I’m not sure.

I’ve heard the statistic that 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in their lifetime. But how many will admit to this? I’m realizing that if women like me, and me, can’t forward and stand behind our choice, then soon there might not be a choice. Abortion was the right choice for me. Now I just have to say it out loud.

And p.s. no MLK was not anti-abortion as some say.

Health Care Access

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Scared.

How I feel now…

Relieved, and a little ashamed.

How old was I when I had my abortion? 

22 weeks

How far along was I?

7 weeks.

Where I had my abortion…

Abortion clinic

Who I told…

My best friend from home and my best friend from college.

My story…

I had a series of bad colds/sinus/ear/throat infections. I was on antibiotics and didn’t know (and wasn’t told) that they counteract birth control. I was having an on-again-off-again fling with my ex…and one thing led to another.

29 year old Professional

Wednesday, July 4th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Disappointed, Sad, Guilty.

How I feel now…

Content, Relieved, Empowered.

How far along was I…

7 weeks.

My story…

I was 4 months into a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy. After 29 years I had never been in love before this relationship and I was VERY excited and everyone could tell because things were moving extremely fast for us. My boyfriend was a professional basketball player overseas and he left for 4 and a half months to play ball. Well, when he finally returned I was ecstatic and couldnt wait to show him how much I missed him. After a night of food, laughs and a movie….we had sex unprotected for the first time. He attempted to pull out, but at that very moment I knew that he ejaculated inside of me and there was a possibility I was pregnant. After being 3 weeks late for my period and praying to God that I wasnt pregnant, I got the courage to go to a local grocery store and buy a test. The test read positive in less than 2 minutes and I screamed and cried….”Please not me!” My sister ran in my room at our apartment and she was the first I told. My boyfriend was on a business trip in Los Angeles and I texted him. He was just as scared and confused as I was. My sister encouraged me to keep the baby, but I knew that even though I was 29, established and in an amazing relationship….I wasnt mentally or emotionally ready to be a mother and I would regret the pregnancy and not take care of myself through an unwanted pregnancy. My boyfriend and I decided back and forth on either pregnancy termination or to raise the child. We decided to end the pregnancy after 7 weeks and become parents when we were married and emotionally ready to love and be parents to a child.

Not My First Rodeo…

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012

How old was I when I had my abortion?

20 and 35.

What year did I have my abortion?

1996 and 2012.

How I felt at the time…

Fearful and unprepared.

How I feel now…

Mixed emotions.

My story…

11/26/1996 – 20 yrs old, in a casual, non-committed relationship, I was in no way financially or emotionally ready to care for a child, let alone share custody, etc with a college “friend” for 18+ years…additionally, I was taking anti-convulsive medications that weren’t recommended for use during pregnancy. He left his half of the cost of the procedure in an envelope on my pillow, my mother & best friend drove me across state lines & I had a surgical abortion. I believe I was 6-8 weeks.

Fast forward. 11/12/2004, 28 yrs old, the best day of my life, my husband, whom I’d been with for nearly 7 yrs, welcomed our first child. A planned pregnancy. The day I truly believed miracles happen.

And finally, today. 6/25/2012. I’ll be 36 in 4 days, still married to my wonderful husband, our 7 yr old son is the light off our life. Due to poor economy and unforeseen circumstances, we are financially unstable, our credit ruined, I’ve recently lost my job, we are feeling emotionally beat down by life and struggle to keep it all together for our son’s sake, and I found out I’m pregnant a week ago. We are scared to bring another child into this world of uncertainty and chaos. I’m so conflicted now that I know how much of a gift a baby is, especially with someone you love, having an incredible child together already. But still more afraid to go along with the pregnancy than to abort and not add any more irons to the fire off life we are already fighting. Tomorrow, I will surgically abort my 6 week old fetus, never telling a soul for fear of rejection. I’m trying to convince myself that this is the best for our son now. We don’t need to add to the instability in our life now. Not to mention outer ages once the baby goes to college.