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Archive for November, 2013

Not the right time

Monday, November 11th, 2013

I wanted another baby, but it was too soon. As cheesy as it sounds, the condom broke. My husband and I don’t even have time to have a lot of sex, but the one time we did in a month…it broke. I didn’t think about taking the morning after pill, because, well, I just didn’t think of it. It had taken 2 years of proper trying to get pregnant with our 7 month old, so I thought, there’s no way it would happen once off a broken condom.

The first sign I was pregnant was when I threw up. Repeatedly. I had had hypermesis with my first pregnancy, and it was back with a vengeance. When I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I cried. I sobbed. I said “This cannot be happening.” My first reaction was one of horror. But then I tried to get into the spirit of having another baby so soon. I looked at double strollers and thought about names. Then reality set in.

I was the breadwinner of the family (my husband works, but we cannot live on his salary, and he is unwilling to be a stay-at-home parent), and if I had this second baby, I couldn’t keep my job, not the way I wanted to because of timing. I love my job, and didn’t want to be home with a new baby so soon after coming off of my first stint of extended maternity leave. We were already stretched to the limits taking care of our 7 month old, and we were afraid another baby would break the bank, raise our stress levels, and possibly break our relationship. I know it sounds overly dramatic to read, but there are many factors I’m not listing here. It was a real concern. But most of all, the hypermesis was back. At 6 weeks I was throwing up 4 – 8 times a day, the nausea only letting up when I was fast asleep, and even then I woke up in the middle of the night once just to throw up. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and was so dehydrated I fainted. Any water I attempted to drink was thrown up. I lay on the couch for 8 days sucking on ice chips. It was awful. I couldn’t be a mother to my 7 month old, who stopped sleeping and got very clingy, because he could sense that something was wrong and I wasn’t taking care of him. My husband had to take care of everything- the dog, the baby, me, calling my work (I was home on sick leave the whole time), the housework, everything. With my first baby it lasted six months, but there was just two of us then, so who cared if I laid on the couch and the house was a wreck? We’re usually a 50/50 partnership….but he had to handle the whole load, and he turned to me and said “We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I need you. The baby needs you. And you’re going to be lost to us for six months”

So, we talked about it, talked about it again, and then decided that it would be best for our family and our future not to have this baby. We want another child, but not now. It was too soon. When our 7 month old is 2 or 3 we can explain why mom isn’t feeling well, when I’ve had my job for a few years, and proven my worth, I will have more job security, when we’re more financially stable we won’t be so stressed, when we move out of our 1 bedroom apartment, we’ll be more ready.

Still, it was emotionally painful for me. I felt like I was destroying something we created, our baby. In some respects I still feel that way. Even though it wasn’t even a fetus, it was technically still an embryo, I sometimes look at my son and wonder if we made a mistake. But I don’t know how serious I am about it, I really could not have handled another newborn, and all the other things that come with a baby. I don’t regret it perse. I also look at him, where I’m able to play with him, feed him, bathe him, change (I couldn’t do any of those things, because even the smell of his breath used to make me throw up when I was pregnant), and know that I did right by him. We will now have the life we planned, and wanted. Perhaps it’s too short of a time ago. It happened just 10 days ago, and I’m still bleeding, so I haven’t fully made my piece with it.

Every time I think, “perhaps we shouldn’t have,” all the reason we did, and why I’m glad we did come back to me.

I had a medical abortion. It went well. I cried when I took the pills, but as soon as the nausea went away, and I knew the pregnancy was terminated, I felt better. I felt lighter and more myself. That helped. I was immediately able to play with my son, had my energy back, and felt like my life was moving forward again.

I thought I’d never have an abortion. The risk was over. I was married with a home and work and a baby, I would never have a reason to abort. I was wrong about that. But I wasn’t wrong about my decision. About OUR decision.

To others in a similar situation. You are not alone. And don’t go searching the internet too much, there’s some hateful and hurtful stuff out there. I found it, and it made me feel awful about myself. Thank you supportion. This website has helped me more than I can say. So I hope my story helps others.