How I felt at the time…

Stupid, scared, confused

How I feel now…

At peace

Who I told…

My best guy friend, my sister, my stepmom, and my dad

Who came with me to my abortion…

My stepdad

How old was I…

20

My story…

When the word “Pregnant” showed up on that pee stick I thought my world was over. I saw my college and professional careers go down the tube. I saw many of my relationships crumble or strain. I saw the looks of disappointment on many of my family members faces. I saw my world end. All of this flooding my mind in what seemed like ten minutes, but was only ten seconds. Yes, I was probably overreacting, but I’m 20 and in college… It tends to happen. As I put my hand on my belly and put the test up to the light for the tenth time to make sure I wasn’t misreading it, I knew in the back of my head there was no way that I could keep it. It wasn’t the right time in my life at all. I was getting ready to start my junior year of college. There was no way I could financially or academically take off a semester, let alone a year of school to be pregnant.  It wasn’t possible.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room to break the news to my dad. As tears began to run down my face he got up and hugged me. He promised me that no matter what my decision was he was behind me the whole way through. He kept his promise, taking me to all of the appointments and supporting me through it all.
Since then I’ve had to deal with friends who don’t know about what happened making comments about abortions and people who get them, throwing around terms like “baby killers” and “heartless” like nothings. I’ve had to walk through the demonstrations by our on-campus “pro-life” group. It’s become easier to brush these aside and not let them hurt me, but it still happens. The thing is I’m not heartless. Hell, I’m going to school to be a teacher! I also practically raised my baby sister. That’s exactly how I knew I wasn’t ready. I just remind myself that those people don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They don’t know how I felt or what I experienced. I’m at peace with myself, and to me that’s all that matters.
What it all comes down to what that It was my decision and my life. I can’t change my decision, nor would I ever. I followed my head and my heart, and my story would have been completely different if I hadn’t.

How I felt at the time…

confused, sick, in a false content mood.

How I feel now…

depressed, but at peace.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

14

How far along was I?

8 weeks.

Who came with me to the abortion?

My mom.

My story…

I was 14, and extremely naive. Knew nothing, wanted nothing, except to be a mother. I dreamed of it. One day I slept over at my best friend’s house, and i woke up extremely nauseous. i ran to her bathroom and threw up. At that time i knew. I told her about me and my on-off boyfriend at the time, and she called her cousin to take us to Wal-mart for a pregnancy test. I went home later that day, and took it. Two lines appeared. Two. The test was positive. i called to tell my boyfriend. He was excited, and he told me that he would do whatever he could to support me and the baby. we even decided on names. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was shocked, and excited, and scared. i instanly was attached. When my mom wasn’t home, i’d play music in headphones and press them to my tummy so my baby could hear. Even though my baby’s ears weren’t developed yet, it was a comforting feeling. But as i went along, i started throwing up more often. My mom was worried at first. I knew I would have to tell her, but she had figured it out before i was ready to tell her. She was so mad and depressed, she instantly pressed me to “take care of it”, and shoved the phonebook at me and forced me to call. The increased stress was hard on both of us. She walked about the house, threatening that she wanted to kill herself, and I was terrifed. But i could do nothing more than lay on the bathroom floor, feeling so weak. My strenght was gone, pure gone. I knew it wasn’t the baby’s fault, he was just an innocent victim of a terrible mistacke, and for that, i wanted to make it up to him. i wanted to keep him, and be the best mommy i could. But I didn’t want is to come about it this way. The night before my appointment, i stood up to my mom and told her i was keeping the baby. she threw the phone at me and told me to call my aunt. She was supportive of any decision I made, and asked me many questions to help me untangle the tangled thoughts in my head. After talking with her and my cousin (who had a baby at 17) I knew what i had to do.

I loved this baby, would give my life for him, but i knew i could never give him the life he deserved. my friend and I agreed that I was giving my baby to God. i remember throwing up in a plastic bag before i walked into the clinic, and some guy come to me, shovved a piece of paper at me, and told me i was making a selfish coice. All i could think of, is “You don’t know me, you don’t know my situation, and i feel terrible of what i have to do, but what gives you the right to make me feel worse? I will suffer in my own way. Mind your own buisness.” I was given an ultrasound, and I had pictures of my baby given to me. my mom took them and put them in her purse. I went back and sompleted the procedure, which was difficult and painful, all i can remember is a lady by me that kept saying “take a deep breath; blow it all the way out” I did as she asked. Afterwards, my nausea ceased, and i had put myself into a false content state, to fool everyone that I was stable. I just wanted out. I left the clinic, got in the car, and covered myself with what was supposed to be my baby’s blanked. When I got home, My mother put the pictures of my pretty baby in the filing cabinet. I locked myself away in my room, and slept for 4 hours. When i woke up, she was gone, and I tokk the pictures out of the filing cabinet. I keep them in my favorite book, on the page of my Estimated due date. After that, I cried all night for four weeks. And I still do. But I have come to peace with it, My baby is with God. For awhile i felt like i was forbidden from entering a church, but my good friend told me that i was forgiven, and i belived her.  I’m still learning to forgive myself, but i always come to the fact that i will never really forgive myself. i just wanted to tell my story, because i know that if someone had told me, “I know it hurts, but if you feel that this is the best thing for the baby, god will forgive you, and you can resume living in harmony.” I’d feel a bit better about this whole thing. Last night, i had a dream that i was holding my baby; It was a beautiful girl. She was at peace, but all i could do was cry. I don’t know why i was crying. When i woke up, i closed my eyes and begged my memory to let me see her again. But she was gone. As long as she is safe, i am at a slight peace.

How I felt at the time…

Angry at myself.

How I feel now…

Proud that I have a choice.

My story…

Honestly I am just looking for a place to share my story and provide hope and love to those who are going through the same thing I went through.  I guess you can stay I started my journey running 13.1 miles and then hopping on a plane the next day  to go on vacation with my best friend to celebrate the 1/2 marathon we had just ran. I had met a guy on vacation at the same location last year and I was super excited to visit him again. While I was there I pretty much felt indestructible and we just used the pull out method. I came home from my trip and attributed my week and a half late period to my excessive exercise over the past month.  Finally on a Thursday,  after 2 weeks of being late I took 3 tests and they all where positive. I was devastated… “how could this happen to me?”

I was so upset and didn’t know where to turn so I went online. I found a local clinic that did abortions and didn’t hesitate to make an appointment that Saturday. I was all alone in my apartment until that appointment and that Friday I had experienced the worst panic attack of my life. I just kept seeing my parents faces as I told them .. and when I got nervous I went online  and found sites and resources abut abortions and feelings. Finally, Saturday came and I was beyond nervous. I walked into the clinic and I finally felt at ease, everyone was as nice as their patients said they were on their website. I went into to appointment knowing that I was at most 4 weeks along and having done research I decided I wanted a medial abortion.  I met with a councilor and talked about my options and I went home with an appointment that Tuesday to get the medical abortion. I went home and started to get nervous again about my decision so I went online I read and read reviews from women about the medical abortion and then decided it was not for me .  I called and switched to the surgical abortion with twilight sedation for an appointment that Wednesday.

As I walked into the clinic to get the abortion I was so nervous but I knew it would only last 2 to 5 min and I probably wouldn’t remember anything. I was waiting in the room with my best friend when they called my name along with another girls name. Myself the nurse and the other patient rose the elevator together and then myself and the other patient were in the waiting room together. I am outgoing and even when I am nervous you can’t shut me up so I started a conversation with the other patient it turned out that it was her second time getting an abortion she she helped to calm me down.  So next thing I knew they called my name so I went in and got an iv and then I was in the room all ready to go . Once they administered the medicine I didn’t remember anything . I just remembered sitting in the recovery room with the other nice girl from the waiting room.  Both of us had to wait 30 min before we could leave and I never got a chance to thank her for everything she did for me but just the nice smile and the you will be ok went a long way. I left the clinic and had minimal cramping and bleeding for the next 24 hours. I was up and back to work the next day.

I wanted to show through my story that it took less then I week for everything to be completed and that it did not hurt that bad for me .  I feel so empowered to know that I made the right choice for me.  I hope that if you are reading this and thinking about an abortion you will know that God loves you and always knows what it is in your heart. You are strong and can make the right decision for you and there is ALWAYS somewhere for you to turn for support or help . There are may wonderful pro-chocie websites and hotlines that are dedicated to supporting woman and their rights. Having an abortion was my CHOICE and I am so thankful to all of the people who have made it possible for me to have that option.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

24

How far along was I?

5 weeks.