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Still the right choice

May 27th, 2015

How I felt at the time…

Resolute and full of remorse at the same time.

How I feel now…

Its still the right choice for me.

My Story….

In my senior year of college, I made a lot of choices. Most of them, looking back now, were made because I wasn’t preparing myself mentally for what lay ahead after graduation. Instead I made short-term, instant gratification my priority. This involved a lot of partying and hooking up with guys that I didn’t care about emotionally. I wanted to rebel, to reject the status quo of growing up and getting a job and being responsible.

Well, one of my nights of partying led to an encounter with a guy who I had been hooking up with for a while, quite exclusively. We were both so drunk that either the condom slipped off or was just not put on in the first place.

I started feeling the symptoms of pregnancy pretty immediately. I went to a wedding the following weekend and my appetite and emotions were so out of whack that my best friend and I both deduced that I should probably take a pregnancy test.

Seeing that plus sign on that white plastic stick made my heart sink. The little bathroom stall in my college dorm was a pretty claustrophobic place to begin with but I really couldn’t breathe when I first saw the proof that I was pregnant. There wasn’t really a thought in my mind that I should keep it. I just wanted to get the abortion over with as fast as possible.

Timing was tricky. It was just over two weeks before graduation and I also had final papers and tests to take in order to graduate. I’m grateful for Planned Parenthood – even though I still had to wait a week and a half for my procedure, at least I could get the medical care I needed and there was no red tape to wade through. I was still in the middle of final exams when I went in to get the procedure done on a Friday morning. No protestors were around when I entered the building and I remember being surprised that the facilities were located in a strip mall alongside a 99 cent store, a lavanderia and an auto-supply shop. How do these mundane conveniences work alongside the complex and vital role that a place like Planned Parenthood plays in society?

I pondered questions like this while waiting, with my two best friends, in the waiting room. When I was taken into the medical office, the whole experience could not have been more understanding, non-judgmental, and professional. I think I was in and out within two hours. My mind has since blocked out the whole physical part of the procedure but I do remember thinking that it was not as painful as I had anticipated.

After it was over, I was very woozy with medication and my friends drove me to the house where we were going to be living for the summer. This was the ultimate convenience at the time: our rent had just started on the new place, and that made it possible for me to recover in anonymity for the weekend, before returning to campus and the full throttle of finishing finals and all the graduation activities. Without the support of my close friends – who never once questioned my decision or my needs, I don’t know if I could have adequately recovered enough to be present the week of commencement.

It was a surreal time that week. Going through the motions, as everyone else around me was so excited for what was next. I tried hard to act like it was all OK but when I look at pictures from that time I see a very unhappy person who was so uncertain about what she had done and what she was going to do.

I’ve thought a lot about justification for my choice. And it turns out, that path doesn’t really work for me. At first I told myself that I would “make it worth it” and that instead of mothering a child that I didn’t want, I would devote my life to making the world a better place in different ways. I’ve done that in small contributions along the way. The best thing I can say is that when I start to think about how old the child would have been or what their contribution to the world would have been, I take a deep breath and remember that this was my choice. At the time I got pregnant, I was in no emotional or monetary place to raise a child and that is that.

I’m much older now and I have built a life that I love very much, sharing it with a partner who also had a similar experience during college. We both agree that having children may not be the way we choose to spend our time here on earth. As our friends begin to couple off and have children, I’m getting the same old resilient feeling that I don’t feel like the status quo is my calling. And the choice I made when I was 21 has helped me to stay true to that.

Thank you to all the others here who have shared their stories. The chorus of voices is comforting and uplifting. To anyone reading this story, thank you and I hope that you find the choice that is best for you.

Just get really quiet and you will know in your heart.

Valentine’s Day

May 12th, 2015

My Story…

It all started on Saturday morning, Valentine’s Day. I woke up after a long night of partying with my friends and very little sleep. Took the dogs to the groomer’s and picked up a pregnancy test at the drugstore.

I had taken a pregnancy test three weeks prior. I was exhausted, on edge, constantly hungry, my boobs were killing me and inexplicably growing…along with my ass. The result had been negative. But my friend had urged me the night before to take another one as my “symptoms” had not subsided. I wasn’t complaining about my new bountiful breasts. I was, however, really upset that I had to start wearing a bra. They’re so restricting. I don’t like that.

I grabbed a breakfast taco at the taco stand and some coffee with horchata. Your average Saturday morning in Austin. Took a quick bite of the taco and went to the bathroom to take the test.

Result: Positive. Fuck, shit, fuck!!!! BUT wait…there was still hope, one line was way lighter than the other. Maybe that means maybe? I thought. I pulled out the instructions. FUCK!!! Turns out that happens and it’s still a big fat POSITIVE.

My heart started beating like mad. I freaked out and start pacing around the living room like a crazy person. I decided to reach out to my best friend, my sister, my soul mate, and someone who very much understands my current situation. And I did so by sending her a picture of the pregnancy test and a FUCK!!!!! Ah, the digital age.

She immediately calls me and walks me through my options. An angel. There will be a reoccurring theme of incredible women guiding me through this difficult journey with love and acceptance. I am eternally grateful!

After speaking with her, I decided I would get the medical abortion. The pill. It sounded painful, and lonely, and traumatic. You basically lay in bed cramping and bleeding out. Apparently VERY painful. But it sounded FAST. I felt awful for feeling this way, but I needed it out of me. PRONTO!! I figured I could call up a clinic, walk in, get the pills, and get it over with.

Oh wait…I live in Fuckin TEXAS!!! I call up the only two abortion clinics in town. One can’t see me until 13 days later and they won’t do the medical abortion because they deem that I am more than 7 weeks pregnant, which is the cut off for medical abortion in Texas. They consider you pregnant from the first day of your last period, which doesn’t make much sense to me, but I was too busy losing my shit to ask for clarity on this. The other clinic, Planned Parenthood told me I had to call back on Monday. The waiting begins. There is a lot of waiting…anxiety filled waiting, that occurs throughout the abortion process. At least in my experience.

My long distance boyfriend of three months was flying in that evening. Things were not going well with us. I was on the verge of breaking up with him and this weekend was kind of a test to see if anything was still there. It’s the wildest thing. I was in love with him there for a minute and really saw us having a future together, but I didn’t really know him. As things unfolded and I learned more and more about him, I quickly realized it wasn’t going to workout. And bam, not only was I out of love, but I was so frustrated and angry with him I could barely look at him. In hindsight I know that some of this was hormonal, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore, that’s for sure. “Take things slowly”, is really very sage advice.

He was about to give notice at his job the following Monday and move in with me. So now I had two very heavy situations to deal with. There was no doubt in my mind that the right thing to do was have an abortion. I was in no place to have a baby by myself. I couldn’t count on my boyfriend. He already has a daughter he never sees. And really, I wasn’t ready to have a child. I would love to, under the right circumstances, but that wasn’t the present scenario. I also knew that I had to break up with him. The feelings weren’t there anymore and the pregnancy news and his reaction were only adding to what had now become disgust. So the decisions were made, which really was half the battle, if not more. But the feelings around the decisions…what a roller coaster!!! He didn’t take the news of the pregnancy or the break up well. He called me a sociopath, and egomaniac and accused me of killing his baby, only strengthening my resolve and affirming my decision.

I called Planned Parenthood on Monday and they confirmed I was only eligible for a surgical abortion at this point. They could see me for the mandatory ultra sound on Wednesday. They told me I couldn’t make an appointment for the procedure until I had had the ultra sound and that the abortion would have to be scheduled for 24 hours after the ultrasound. Texas law. The woman told me they should be able to fit me in Friday for the procedure. A tsunami sized wave of relief rushed over me.

Life is pretty amazing sometimes. I had recently started spending more time with my friend’s girlfriend. And by more time I mean, we went to the movies once to see The Secretary the Thursday before I found out about the pregnancy. Her boyfriend is one of my good friends and I see her often, but always in big groups. Anyway, we had a nice girl date at the movies and swooned over young James Spader. When I told her boyfriend that I was pregnant and getting an abortion, he advised me to reach out to her. She would understand, he said. So I did and she turned out to be the second angel that held my hand through this journey. She opened up to me about her experience, which was really so invaluable. The hardest part about getting an abortion, for me, was not knowing what was gonna happen, and not being able to talk about it. I was so frightened and anxiety ridden over what to expect. Are they really gonna make me listen to the heart beat? Will it hurt? Will I be depressed afterwards? What’s the recovery time?

She took me to get the ultrasound on Wednesday. There were anti-choicers outside, with their rosaries and pamphlets. What is this, 1970? We parked and walked up to the building where we had to talk to someone through an intercom before they buzzed us in. They were behind bulletproof doors. Then we waited…for a long, long time. Hours went by. We watched a movie. I went back and answered some questions. Sexual history. Was I sure about my decision? Was anyone forcing me to make this decision? Etc. They took my blood, and gave me an STD test. Then I was sent back into the waiting room. We waited some more and then they finally called me back for the ultrasound.

The ultrasound was exactly as you see in movies. They informed me that due to Texas law they would have to play me the heartbeat and show me the fetus on the monitor. I can’t tell you how much additional anger those Republican mandates were responsible for during this already angst filled time. Luckily, the women at Planned Parenthood are empathetic and understanding and have workarounds in place. They provided me with headphones and music to listen to when they played the heartbeat in the room and they warned me before they angled the monitor towards me, so I was able to look away. Unfortunately, they were obliged to inform me that it was a twin pregnancy, I was 8 ½ weeks along and suggested it was a girl and a boy. This news destroyed me. To this day I am not completely sure I understand why it made it so much more difficult for me. I mean, logically, two babies is way harder than one, so the decision to terminate made even more sense. On the other hand, I do want to be a mother, very very badly, and I was a month shy of 35, so being pregnant once and having a beautiful baby girl and boy was a very attractive proposition. I told myself I couldn’t think that way. I was in no place to be having a baby, let alone two. By this time I also realized that I in no way wanted to be tied to the father for the rest of my life. And despite the strong desire to be a mother, it was not something that I wanted to take on alone. The Dr. also told me that due to my small frame, carrying twins would be very hard on my body and that I would most likely not be able to carry them to term. Again, something I would have totally been down to take on had I been in a loving, supportive relationship, but it sounded like a very lonely and terrifying existence to pursue solo.

Thursday came and went, I swam laps, had dinner with friends, and basically tried to keep myself busy. My parents returned from a trip and I told them about the twins and my decision to have an abortion. My parents and I are very close and while I toyed with the idea of not telling them, I knew it was ultimately impossible. They were already wondering what was going on with me and knew something was up when they were all the way in NYC. My hesitation in telling them was increased by the fact that my brother was about to have his first child, their first grandchild, and the last thing I wanted was to tarnish that experience for them. They were very understanding and said that although they would support me regardless of the decision I made, they believed I was making the right one in terminating.

Friday morning I went to Pilates, trying to approach the day as I would any other. My friend picked me up and we went to Planned Parenthood equipped with iPad, blanket, pillows…ready to camp out and watch movies for what was sure to be a long time. And no surprise, it was a long wait, but I spent half of that time waiting in another waiting room, wearing a robe and bundled up in a blanket along with about 14 other girls. The TV show, Friend’s was playing on a small tv in the background, a chaperone did paperwork and made sure nothing inappropriate was said or appeared on the television. We all just sat there, knowing we were in the same boat, but not speaking except to verbalize just how hungry we were and fantasize about our post-op meals (you’re not allowed to eat for 12 hours prior to the surgery). It seemed strange to me that we all avoided talking about the elephant in the room, especially since, at least for me, loneliness was the prevailing emotion at the time, and we were all in a position to ease that particular feeling for one another. But then again, it’s not like I spoke up and initiated a dialogue either. I do think this waiting period would have been a great time for interested parties to participate in a clinic organized group therapy session. But let’s not get crazy…we’re in Texas after all, and according to the state, we are horrible people who are voluntarily killing their offspring, so we don’t deserve any kind of emotional care. Instead, we all spent the time waiting for our names to be called with our faces in our phones, napping, passively watching Friend’s, and I myself spent a lot of time looking up at the skylight and taking pictures of it. I got one picture that I really liked and later posted it to instagram. I called it, Enter the Void.

Once they called my name, I followed a nurse down a long hallway into an operating room, they gave me a sedative and the Dr. started the surgery two minutes later. I don’t know if they didn’t give me enough sedative or the Dr. began the procedure too soon after the injection, but I felt everything. I was gripping my hands really tight from the pain, so the nurse gave me her hand to squeeze, a gesture that really touched me. Nonetheless, the whole thing was pretty traumatizing. It wasn’t so much the pain, but feeling every little thing and knowing what she was doing and then feeling it a second time for the second fetus that really messed with my head.Then I heard a vacuum like noise for a minute or two and it was all over. 8 minutes tops. I started crying when they told me they were finished and they slowly got me up and took me to the recovery room. I felt devastated, confused, traumatized. But I told myself I had to keep it together, I was in a room with a few other girls who were in recovery and they weren’t crying, so I needed to stay strong too. I sat in there drinking my apple juice and eating cheez-its, which had never tasted as good as they did after 16+ hours of no food.

I went home and chain smoked. My parents came over with dinner and tried to comfort me. Once they left I smoked a ton of pot mixed with some liquor and the vicodin I got from the Dr. Nothing was helping. The depression had started and I was entering the void. I really was so sure of my decision and still was despite the feelings afterwards, but I felt so much grief, guilt, and regret. Not so much regret that I had terminated the pregnancy, but regret that this was my life and that I had made poor decisions that put me in a situation where I had to have an abortion. No matter how strongly I felt that I had done the right thing, what I did went against nature and my body was as confused and pissed as I was about the whole thing. I imagine it is similar to post partum depression, but I can’t be sure. I assume that the trauma from not being properly sedated played a big role because I would cry and curl up into the fetal position often at the thought of the surgery or having sex again. I kept visualizing the twins, my babies, and  going into boughts of hysterical crying at the thought of what I had done to them. Even just looking at my two pugs or my teacher friend mentioning an adorable thing one of her 5 year-old did at school would throw me into a fit of despair. And the father of the twins certainly did his part to make the whole thing all the more challenging and emotional.

Going back to work was extremely difficult. One of my coworkers insisted on talking to me about her twins on a nearly daily basis. I couldn’t ask her to stop, of course, because that would be rude, but it was killing me inside. I was a walking zombie, crying all the time and unable to tell anyone what was going on out of fear of being judged or worse, losing my job.  My daily tasks and projects seemed so futile in the grand scheme of things. It was very difficult for me to give a shit and it was very apparent. The insurance company that had told me they would cover the procedure was now saying that they had made a mistake and would not be covering it, which caused me to go into a fit of fury that probably frightened me as much as it did them. I vacillated between numb teary zombie and raging angry bitch. I knew no other states of being. I wanted to die.

Luckily I have an amazing family and wonderful friends who supported me throughout. I was very disciplined about going to therapy and acupuncture, which was immensely helpful. And my therapist recommended a Pranic Energy meet up which changed my life. I don’t think I would have recovered so quickly had it not been for that. A month of weekly healing groups and I was a different person. My thoughts were no longer spiraling out of control and I was able to meditate again. There was hope and I could see it. I decided to quit smoking pot and cigarettes and stopped drinking for a while to aid in cutting out nicotine. All things that had needed to happen far before the pregnancy. I decided to start loving and nurturing myself.

3 months later I am still very much dealing with the emotional repercussions of the decision that I made. But, I am happy to report that with time I am able to see things differently. The spiritual journey that I am now on is one that I so desperately needed to arrive at and I do not know that I would have done so had I not reached the depths of despair. I am learning a lot about myself, the decisions that I made repeatedly in life that have led me to many difficult times, this being just one of them. I am choosing to learn from this and put an end to these behavioral patterns, so that one day I will be ready to be a nurturing, loving, and mindful mother. I realize that it is a blessing that I was aware of my inability to take on such a responsibility and that I had the foresight to see that the father was not the partner with whom I wanted to embark on the journey of parenthood. I see that despite the pain I endured and will continue to feel for some time to come, it would have been so much worse had I decided to have those twins.

Trust your soul. Regardless of your choice, there will be hardship, but it is precisely these moments that teach us who we are and what we are capable of. You are much stronger than you think.


Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final


Grief Without Regret

April 29th, 2015

My Story….

I have never written about my abortion before.
Although I am not intellectually ashamed that I had an abortion – I am on some level because I have only spoken about my experiences with two close friends.

Somehow, I knew I was pregnant for a long time before I ever found out for sure. I ignored the feeling and hoped with all my power that it would just, magically “go away”. It was the end of my senior year in high school and I just wanted to ignore my pregnancy until I graduated and didn’t have so many other things to think about. Unfortunately, time doesn’t wait and I knew that I had to do something.

I started to get depressed and wanted to speak to everyone but was also afraid of speaking to anyone – I didn’t want anyone to judge me and if I WAS pregnant, and then there was no baby… what would they think? So I just kept going through my normal days until I admitted that I couldn’t procrastinate any longer.

I bought myself a pregnancy test without telling anyone and found out I was pregnant without telling anyone. I still didn’t know what to do. I thought my next step would be to find a doctor and pay for the abortion. I wasn’t even going to tell my boyfriend. At the time, I didn’t think I knew anyone else who had ever had an abortion – I later found out this was far from true, but in the moment I felt completely alone with my choices.

The same night my mother asked me what was wrong. I said “nothing” even though I wanted to tell her everything. She looked at me strangely and said, “Are you pregnant?” And I started to cry. We made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for a consultation and to find out how many weeks along I was – I called my boyfriend.
Luckily, my family and boyfriend were all incredibly supportive. No one judged me. And everyone asked me what I wanted to do.
I loved my boyfriend deeply and would have had a child with him – in fact I WANTED to – just not yet. We agreed together that the best choice at that time was for me to get an abortion. I had known since I first “knew” (suspected) I was pregnant that I would have an abortion, I felt lucky that the people around me supported that.

My boyfriend drove 5 hours to be with me and we went to Planned Parenthood for a consultation together. The woman there rattled through our options and then proceeded to push for us to consider having the baby, paid for by some patiently awaiting adoptive parents. I left feeling judged and shamed.

At some point during all of this I graduated from high school – a moment that was supposed to be full of joy and expectation for the future but which for me was mostly just surreal. I felt far away even from my closest friends and didn’t know how to explain myself to anyone. I ached to talk to my friends and the teachers who had been my guides for the past four years, but hesitated to open to anyone for fear that they would disagree with my choice or blame me for ‘doing something wrong’.

A few days after my graduation I went to the doctor’s with my mother to get a surgical abortion. Although the doctor explained everything to me, I don’t remember much of the actual operation except that we went down some stairs into what felt like a basement and it was definitely painful. Everything went as it should, and the abortion was completed successfully. My mother drove me home. I remember thinking, “How would I have done this alone?” I was in no state to drive, it was hard enough to be in the car.
My whole family was supportive and gentle to me. My boyfriend drove to be with me again but it was hard for me to communicate with him. I felt upset that I had had to have an abortion, that we hadn’t been careful enough and I had ended up getting pregnant. I was angry at myself for getting everyone involved, part of me was ashamed and still wished I could have been totally independent through it all. I felt physically violated – even though I had chosen that route, it had still felt like a surprise to me how ‘serious’ the operation was… maybe because no one really talked to me enough about what to expect.
The emotion that surprised me the most though, was grief. Some part of me had wanted that baby, I loved the man who would have been the father, and I knew that one day I wanted to have children. The sadness that came over me was unexpected, and I was unprepared for it. I didn’t know how to talk to anyone about it. It seemed strange, I had CHOSEN to have an abortion, but I was SAD that I wasn’t going to have the baby. I knew that wouldn’t make any sense to anyone.
I realize now that a lot of that was due to the drastic hormonal shift, one minute my body was pregnant, and the next minute it wasn’t. But no one ever seemed to talk about that part of abortion – maybe people feel it would hurt the argument for pro choice.
For me, that was the hardest part of the experience, and the time when I felt the most alone. Now I know that all women who have abortions (and there are a lot) experience some kind of grief. I can only imagine how helpful it would have been to have someone to talk to, to assure myself I wasn’t crazy. I never doubted my decision and I have never regretted my abortion – that was part of what made the emotions of grief and sadness so confusing.
We are tied to our bodies in more ways that we understand, going through something like an abortion can affect us – and those involved with us – in more ways than we expect.

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…



I dont know what I want, but I know I wish this never happened

February 17th, 2015

My story…

i never wanted kids, i don’t even like being around children. I look at new mothers with strollers and wonder why the hell they feel like they have to show off their kids like they made some kind of accomplishment in their lives. I resent children and people who love children. I unfriend people on Facebook when they become pregnant because I just don’t care to hear how “difficult their lives have become” and how “amazing” their children are. Who cares? Definitely not me.

I love my boyfriend more than anything, and the only reason why I have been feeling better about children is because he wants children. His two young nieces are a complete joy to be around and I love them to death, but when those girls leave, I am back to hating kids.

I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. It was a strong gut feeling. Both tests read positive before I even finished urinating on the stick. Once we knew I was pregnant, everything made sense. My stomach had been hurting, I had been feeling nauseous, my boobs have been swollen for three weeks, my crazy cravings are even crazier, and my hormones are out of control.

My best friend is pregnant. She got married about a year ago and was finally able to conceive a baby. I have never been happier in my life for someone to have a baby. This was the major reason why I was excited about my own pregnancy. How amazing is it that we both would be having children at the same time? She got me so excited about having a child of my own.

My boyfriend and I have always wanted to get married and have children after college. While we are well into our twenties we both still have not completed our Bachelors yet and therefore we have deemed ourselves to be not ready. So despite our excitement to start our family a bit earlier than expected, we have ultimately decided that we absolutely cannot be ready for a child at this time.

And for some unknown reason I am crushed.

I know we can’t do this right now. We just bought our first home, we are swimming in bills, student loans, credit card debts, and all sorts of financial issues. There is no way for us to financially support a tiny human. I know this and I have come to terms with this.

So I scheduled my abortion. But now I can’t stop crying.

I am so terrified of the protesters, the pain it will cause, the conversation with my mother about using our health insurance, talking with my boss about taking time off of work, everything about this is so terrifying. This is so scary. I am so scared. I have never felt so wrapped up in fear and that makes me feel so sick.

I am worried that I will have to go manage my store the day after I take the second pill and that I will be bleeding everywhere as this embryo exits my body. Will my associates know? Will my clients know? Will it hurt? Do I even have to tell my boss? What if she’s against abortion and makes me feel uncomfortable at my amazing job until I quit?

What is going to happen?
Will I be okay?
When will I stop being so afraid?

I wonder if having a baby would be less scary.

No one to talk to

February 17th, 2015

My story…

I had met an older man (28) off of Plenty of Fish. It was the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I thought that this guy was amazing, he had a good a job, wanted the same things I did or so I thought. We were together one week and had unprotected sex once. I had no idea I was pregnant until a month later when I tried to give blood and my iron was extremely low. I was also very tired and was having light cramping, I knew something was off. I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test, it came back positive. I must have cried for hours on end. I felt as though ending my life would be better than being pregnant. But I had an abortion and to be honest, I never felt better about my life after. I know I made the right decision and I had a great support system. But it gets hard not being able to talk to people about it and not being able to explain to men why I don’t want to have sex just yet. But over time I will be better. I will feel better eventually.

How I felt at the time…


How I feel now…


Who I told…

Mom, roomate, a few friends

I feel alone

March 6th, 2014

My story….

I’m 27, and lost my virginity last year to my boyfriend. Was planning on saving myself but unfortunately that didn’t happen. After it happened I began having regrets but just like a guy they’re gonna convince u other wise…and I gave in. We began having issues and still is, but he says he loves me and wants to be with me but I’m not buying it. So now I’m pregnant and all alone because I can’t hardly talk to him and express my feelings cause he’s never around. I want to talk to my mom, because she went through this too before she had me but he doesn’t want me to and I’m scared because for the same reason she had the abortion is the same reason I’m having it plus other things. I need someone I can go to and just cry my eyes out. Can’t cry with him cause he’s a jerk…and that’s another reason y I can’t keep it because when this is over eventually so is he because he’s brought nothing but stress n heartache to my life…and he’s living his life but as long as he takes me is all that matters to me right now…then I can get back to my old life…I’m scared and nervous about the procedure…want to do the pill but want it to be over as soon as possible but then I’m scared of the surgical procedure but I’ve been reading that once its done its done…where as with the pill u have to keep going back until its over. I just need some comfort and help.

How I feel now…

Alone, anxious, nervous.

How old was I when I had my abortion? 

I’m 27… scheduled for next week

How far along am I? 

5 weeks.

Not the right time

November 11th, 2013

I wanted another baby, but it was too soon. As cheesy as it sounds, the condom broke. My husband and I don’t even have time to have a lot of sex, but the one time we did in a month…it broke. I didn’t think about taking the morning after pill, because, well, I just didn’t think of it. It had taken 2 years of proper trying to get pregnant with our 7 month old, so I thought, there’s no way it would happen once off a broken condom.

The first sign I was pregnant was when I threw up. Repeatedly. I had had hypermesis with my first pregnancy, and it was back with a vengeance. When I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I cried. I sobbed. I said “This cannot be happening.” My first reaction was one of horror. But then I tried to get into the spirit of having another baby so soon. I looked at double strollers and thought about names. Then reality set in.

I was the breadwinner of the family (my husband works, but we cannot live on his salary, and he is unwilling to be a stay-at-home parent), and if I had this second baby, I couldn’t keep my job, not the way I wanted to because of timing. I love my job, and didn’t want to be home with a new baby so soon after coming off of my first stint of extended maternity leave. We were already stretched to the limits taking care of our 7 month old, and we were afraid another baby would break the bank, raise our stress levels, and possibly break our relationship. I know it sounds overly dramatic to read, but there are many factors I’m not listing here. It was a real concern. But most of all, the hypermesis was back. At 6 weeks I was throwing up 4 – 8 times a day, the nausea only letting up when I was fast asleep, and even then I woke up in the middle of the night once just to throw up. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and was so dehydrated I fainted. Any water I attempted to drink was thrown up. I lay on the couch for 8 days sucking on ice chips. It was awful. I couldn’t be a mother to my 7 month old, who stopped sleeping and got very clingy, because he could sense that something was wrong and I wasn’t taking care of him. My husband had to take care of everything- the dog, the baby, me, calling my work (I was home on sick leave the whole time), the housework, everything. With my first baby it lasted six months, but there was just two of us then, so who cared if I laid on the couch and the house was a wreck? We’re usually a 50/50 partnership….but he had to handle the whole load, and he turned to me and said “We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I need you. The baby needs you. And you’re going to be lost to us for six months”

So, we talked about it, talked about it again, and then decided that it would be best for our family and our future not to have this baby. We want another child, but not now. It was too soon. When our 7 month old is 2 or 3 we can explain why mom isn’t feeling well, when I’ve had my job for a few years, and proven my worth, I will have more job security, when we’re more financially stable we won’t be so stressed, when we move out of our 1 bedroom apartment, we’ll be more ready.

Still, it was emotionally painful for me. I felt like I was destroying something we created, our baby. In some respects I still feel that way. Even though it wasn’t even a fetus, it was technically still an embryo, I sometimes look at my son and wonder if we made a mistake. But I don’t know how serious I am about it, I really could not have handled another newborn, and all the other things that come with a baby. I don’t regret it perse. I also look at him, where I’m able to play with him, feed him, bathe him, change (I couldn’t do any of those things, because even the smell of his breath used to make me throw up when I was pregnant), and know that I did right by him. We will now have the life we planned, and wanted. Perhaps it’s too short of a time ago. It happened just 10 days ago, and I’m still bleeding, so I haven’t fully made my piece with it.

Every time I think, “perhaps we shouldn’t have,” all the reason we did, and why I’m glad we did come back to me.

I had a medical abortion. It went well. I cried when I took the pills, but as soon as the nausea went away, and I knew the pregnancy was terminated, I felt better. I felt lighter and more myself. That helped. I was immediately able to play with my son, had my energy back, and felt like my life was moving forward again.

I thought I’d never have an abortion. The risk was over. I was married with a home and work and a baby, I would never have a reason to abort. I was wrong about that. But I wasn’t wrong about my decision. About OUR decision.

To others in a similar situation. You are not alone. And don’t go searching the internet too much, there’s some hateful and hurtful stuff out there. I found it, and it made me feel awful about myself. Thank you supportion. This website has helped me more than I can say. So I hope my story helps others.

It’s hard to do the right thing

October 21st, 2013

To those thinking about abortion- everything is going to be okay. Take one day at a time. You are not alone!

My story….

When I was 15, I fell ill with the ‘flu’. It never even crossed my mind that I could be pregnant. I was attempting to be responsible. Was on birth control pills (which I had a very hard time not forgetting) and my boyfriend used condoms. The day my mom took me to our doctor and he requested I take a pregnancy test, I felt like I was going to faint. When they came in with my results confirming that it was indeed positive, I didn’t know what to think. So many things crossed my mind when I was getting up the nerve to tell my mother that I was in fact nearly 3 months pregnant. I finally confessed. She flew off the handle. I was threatened that if I didn’t abort then I could find a new place to live and have a “happy life in poverty”. Devastation set in. But I knew in my heart she was right. My life would be hell if I went through with having the baby. The baby’s father was absolutely worthless. He was 19 and doing nothing for himself. He didn’t even have a place to live. Automatically, I agreed to have it.
The night before my appointment I felt so sick that I thought I needed to go to the emergency room. There was absolutely no sleeping. I had fears that I would die from the abortion or die from remaining pregnant. I felt alone. Once we arrived at the clinic early in the morning, I sat and filled out paperwork. My mother hovered over me, watching me write down each answer. My heart was about to explode. Finally after all the bloodwork and exams, it was time. As I laid there waiting for my abortion to begin I knew I was doing the right thing. I was 15 after all. They doctor was very calming and caring. She walked me through the whole thing. The procedure itself wasn’t even close to being as horrible as I imagined. By the time I was in the recovery room doubt set in. Thankfully, two other women were ushered in. Once I knew I wasn’t alone, I knew I did the right thing.

To this day, I don’t regret my decision. The only thing I would change is to have someone more supportive there with me. Although I know now that my mom was just as scared as I was. I forgive her for being so harsh. That particular boyfriend ended up getting another girl pregnant a couple years after our ended relationship. To say the least, I’m happy I didn’t have his child!

To those thinking about abortion- everything is going to be okay. Take one day at a time. You are not alone!

How I felt at the time…

Scared, anxious, sad.

How I feel now…


How old was I when I had my abortion?


How far along was I? 

3 months

Who I told…

Mom, younger sisters, dad, grandma, boyfriend

My Silence

April 29th, 2013

If you’re a woman, and maybe also if you’re a man, you’ve at some point been in a conversation about abortion. Come that time, maybe you felt everyone rushing around to find their role. There are the women and men who will talk about their abortions without shame. Good for them – it’s harder than it might seem. Then there will be those who nod and lament – they never had to make the decision and are uncertain what they would do. Then there are those who never had to make the decision but despite being pro-choice do not think abortion would be their choice. Then there are those who will sit in silence. I am one of those and I’m not proud of it.

Dr.King, ever so wise, said “In the end we’ll remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” I’d say that in the end we’ll remember not our friends silence, but our own. I had an abortion. I was seventeen and uneducated about sex and got pregnant. Home was unstable and I was working hard to be the first in my family to go to college. I didn’t want a baby. I wanted a college education and a good job and, when the time was right, a family. I had an abortion and it allowed me the freedom to educate myself. It allowed me the freedom to, as an adult, have the stability I wasn’t given as a child. I didn’t want to bring a child into more instability. I had an abortion and it was the right choice for me. I had an abortion and I don’t need to justify that choice. So why can’t I say that out loud?

I wish I could now tell a redemptive tale about that time, in a conversation about abortion, that I joined the loud and proud and said yes, I had an abortion and yes, it was the right choice for me. Yes, I am willing to risk stigma and judgement to protect that choice. But I haven’t. Not yet. What I’m afraid of I’m not sure.

I’ve heard the statistic that 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in their lifetime. But how many will admit to this? I’m realizing that if women like me, and me, can’t forward and stand behind our choice, then soon there might not be a choice. Abortion was the right choice for me. Now I just have to say it out loud.

And p.s. no MLK was not anti-abortion as some say.

My Procedure is Scheduled in Two Weeks

January 15th, 2013

How I felt at the time…

Anxious, low, upset, sure

How I feel now…

Haven’t had the procedure yet.

Who I told…

Mother, sisters, and two close friends

My story…

I’m 27 and have a teaching career. I was always either unsure or certain I didn’t want children. I’ve dedicated my life working with children and youth, but I wasn’t sure having kids was right for me. I had moved cities for my job, teaching trouseled youth, I was so excited. It was a smaller city and I the thought of meeting someone was low on my priority list. But a week into my dream job, I met him. He was funny, caring, and worked with the same population of kids I did! He made me feel so special and I felt I could be myself with him, no holds bar.

Things moved quickly. He told me loved me, and I loved him too. He spoke of marrying me, eloping in Vegas in 6 months time. He would daydream of having kids with me- tell me beautiful things about our life , love, and kids. I felt so lucky to have someone like him- my family fell in love with him too, they all said , he’s the one, something is different and special about this relationship! He had me choosing styles of rings. And started telling me how he wanted to get me pregnant. He wanted us to be a family. He had a four year old girl already; whom he saw every two weeks. He adored her. And so did I. Then things started to get weird. He would withdraw for 6-12 hours at a time, when any issue would arise or when i would bring up my feelings. It got to the point I was very careful of what I shared or told him. He stopped saying the word love and stopped talking about our wedding, or kids. I found out I was pregnant. His reaction was neutral and he spoke on the phone to my sister about our pregnancy news.

Within a week I knew something was wrong. I was scared to talk to him and upset most of the time, he never mentioned the pregnancy…. And when I did it went unacknowledged. He played the boyfriend role still but I knew it was wrong/not goin well. We told my whole family while he didn’t tell his. I gave him time and space to process everything. But unfortunately it wasn’t a little time and space he needed. I decided to tell him one day his actions one night hurt my feelings and that it meant a lot to me when he kept me in the loop of our lives together. (The incident isn’t really important) he started to detach and shut down like he typically does in these situations. He didn’t come home that night…. Or the next. Didn’t answer my calls or texts. The first night I thought something had happened- I was so worried. 5 days later when he finally agreed to speak to me, he explained that we weren’t right for each other and we fought too much and that he wouldn’t run away from this child and would help when he could.

I was ready for news of this nature. I had cried for days on end and was staying with my parents for support. I felt abandoned and alone. I felt ashamed and disgusted, I felt stupid and foolish for believing him, for loving him, for allowing myself to be in this situation. Then a friend told me “it’s a never a bad thing to trust and love someone” it made me realize I wasn’t a fool. It took a few days of deep thought and meditation , and seeking the support and guidance of close friends, my sisters, and the staff at planned parenthood, that I made my decision to get an abortion. Even despite being in the position of having a baby alone, I was not ready to have a baby, it was not the right time. My appointment is in two weeks. Ill be 12 weeks when the procedure date arrives. The support of my family, my friends, and the support from myself. The waiting is difficult, but I am sure this is the right choice for me and I am grateful my country allows this right for women… It’s not an easy decision. It’s something that is difficult beyond words and has caused pain… This website has given me hope and made me feel less alone in all of this. Thank-you.