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I feel alone

March 6th, 2014

My story….

I’m 27, and lost my virginity last year to my boyfriend. Was planning on saving myself but unfortunately that didn’t happen. After it happened I began having regrets but just like a guy they’re gonna convince u other wise…and I gave in. We began having issues and still is, but he says he loves me and wants to be with me but I’m not buying it. So now I’m pregnant and all alone because I can’t hardly talk to him and express my feelings cause he’s never around. I want to talk to my mom, because she went through this too before she had me but he doesn’t want me to and I’m scared because for the same reason she had the abortion is the same reason I’m having it plus other things. I need someone I can go to and just cry my eyes out. Can’t cry with him cause he’s a jerk…and that’s another reason y I can’t keep it because when this is over eventually so is he because he’s brought nothing but stress n heartache to my life…and he’s living his life but as long as he takes me is all that matters to me right now…then I can get back to my old life…I’m scared and nervous about the procedure…want to do the pill but want it to be over as soon as possible but then I’m scared of the surgical procedure but I’ve been reading that once its done its done…where as with the pill u have to keep going back until its over. I just need some comfort and help.

How I feel now…

Alone, anxious, nervous.

How old was I when I had my abortion? 

I’m 27… scheduled for next week

How far along am I? 

5 weeks.

Not the right time

November 11th, 2013

I wanted another baby, but it was too soon. As cheesy as it sounds, the condom broke. My husband and I don’t even have time to have a lot of sex, but the one time we did in a month…it broke. I didn’t think about taking the morning after pill, because, well, I just didn’t think of it. It had taken 2 years of proper trying to get pregnant with our 7 month old, so I thought, there’s no way it would happen once off a broken condom.

The first sign I was pregnant was when I threw up. Repeatedly. I had had hypermesis with my first pregnancy, and it was back with a vengeance. When I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I cried. I sobbed. I said “This cannot be happening.” My first reaction was one of horror. But then I tried to get into the spirit of having another baby so soon. I looked at double strollers and thought about names. Then reality set in.

I was the breadwinner of the family (my husband works, but we cannot live on his salary, and he is unwilling to be a stay-at-home parent), and if I had this second baby, I couldn’t keep my job, not the way I wanted to because of timing. I love my job, and didn’t want to be home with a new baby so soon after coming off of my first stint of extended maternity leave. We were already stretched to the limits taking care of our 7 month old, and we were afraid another baby would break the bank, raise our stress levels, and possibly break our relationship. I know it sounds overly dramatic to read, but there are many factors I’m not listing here. It was a real concern. But most of all, the hypermesis was back. At 6 weeks I was throwing up 4 – 8 times a day, the nausea only letting up when I was fast asleep, and even then I woke up in the middle of the night once just to throw up. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and was so dehydrated I fainted. Any water I attempted to drink was thrown up. I lay on the couch for 8 days sucking on ice chips. It was awful. I couldn’t be a mother to my 7 month old, who stopped sleeping and got very clingy, because he could sense that something was wrong and I wasn’t taking care of him. My husband had to take care of everything- the dog, the baby, me, calling my work (I was home on sick leave the whole time), the housework, everything. With my first baby it lasted six months, but there was just two of us then, so who cared if I laid on the couch and the house was a wreck? We’re usually a 50/50 partnership….but he had to handle the whole load, and he turned to me and said “We can’t do this. I can’t do this. I need you. The baby needs you. And you’re going to be lost to us for six months”

So, we talked about it, talked about it again, and then decided that it would be best for our family and our future not to have this baby. We want another child, but not now. It was too soon. When our 7 month old is 2 or 3 we can explain why mom isn’t feeling well, when I’ve had my job for a few years, and proven my worth, I will have more job security, when we’re more financially stable we won’t be so stressed, when we move out of our 1 bedroom apartment, we’ll be more ready.

Still, it was emotionally painful for me. I felt like I was destroying something we created, our baby. In some respects I still feel that way. Even though it wasn’t even a fetus, it was technically still an embryo, I sometimes look at my son and wonder if we made a mistake. But I don’t know how serious I am about it, I really could not have handled another newborn, and all the other things that come with a baby. I don’t regret it perse. I also look at him, where I’m able to play with him, feed him, bathe him, change (I couldn’t do any of those things, because even the smell of his breath used to make me throw up when I was pregnant), and know that I did right by him. We will now have the life we planned, and wanted. Perhaps it’s too short of a time ago. It happened just 10 days ago, and I’m still bleeding, so I haven’t fully made my piece with it.

Every time I think, “perhaps we shouldn’t have,” all the reason we did, and why I’m glad we did come back to me.

I had a medical abortion. It went well. I cried when I took the pills, but as soon as the nausea went away, and I knew the pregnancy was terminated, I felt better. I felt lighter and more myself. That helped. I was immediately able to play with my son, had my energy back, and felt like my life was moving forward again.

I thought I’d never have an abortion. The risk was over. I was married with a home and work and a baby, I would never have a reason to abort. I was wrong about that. But I wasn’t wrong about my decision. About OUR decision.

To others in a similar situation. You are not alone. And don’t go searching the internet too much, there’s some hateful and hurtful stuff out there. I found it, and it made me feel awful about myself. Thank you supportion. This website has helped me more than I can say. So I hope my story helps others.

It’s hard to do the right thing

October 21st, 2013

To those thinking about abortion- everything is going to be okay. Take one day at a time. You are not alone!

My story….

When I was 15, I fell ill with the ‘flu’. It never even crossed my mind that I could be pregnant. I was attempting to be responsible. Was on birth control pills (which I had a very hard time not forgetting) and my boyfriend used condoms. The day my mom took me to our doctor and he requested I take a pregnancy test, I felt like I was going to faint. When they came in with my results confirming that it was indeed positive, I didn’t know what to think. So many things crossed my mind when I was getting up the nerve to tell my mother that I was in fact nearly 3 months pregnant. I finally confessed. She flew off the handle. I was threatened that if I didn’t abort then I could find a new place to live and have a “happy life in poverty”. Devastation set in. But I knew in my heart she was right. My life would be hell if I went through with having the baby. The baby’s father was absolutely worthless. He was 19 and doing nothing for himself. He didn’t even have a place to live. Automatically, I agreed to have it.
The night before my appointment I felt so sick that I thought I needed to go to the emergency room. There was absolutely no sleeping. I had fears that I would die from the abortion or die from remaining pregnant. I felt alone. Once we arrived at the clinic early in the morning, I sat and filled out paperwork. My mother hovered over me, watching me write down each answer. My heart was about to explode. Finally after all the bloodwork and exams, it was time. As I laid there waiting for my abortion to begin I knew I was doing the right thing. I was 15 after all. They doctor was very calming and caring. She walked me through the whole thing. The procedure itself wasn’t even close to being as horrible as I imagined. By the time I was in the recovery room doubt set in. Thankfully, two other women were ushered in. Once I knew I wasn’t alone, I knew I did the right thing.

To this day, I don’t regret my decision. The only thing I would change is to have someone more supportive there with me. Although I know now that my mom was just as scared as I was. I forgive her for being so harsh. That particular boyfriend ended up getting another girl pregnant a couple years after our ended relationship. To say the least, I’m happy I didn’t have his child!

To those thinking about abortion- everything is going to be okay. Take one day at a time. You are not alone!

How I felt at the time…

Scared, anxious, sad.

How I feel now…

Peaceful.

How old was I when I had my abortion?

15

How far along was I? 

3 months

Who I told…

Mom, younger sisters, dad, grandma, boyfriend

My Silence

April 29th, 2013

If you’re a woman, and maybe also if you’re a man, you’ve at some point been in a conversation about abortion. Come that time, maybe you felt everyone rushing around to find their role. There are the women and men who will talk about their abortions without shame. Good for them – it’s harder than it might seem. Then there will be those who nod and lament – they never had to make the decision and are uncertain what they would do. Then there are those who never had to make the decision but despite being pro-choice do not think abortion would be their choice. Then there are those who will sit in silence. I am one of those and I’m not proud of it.

Dr.King, ever so wise, said “In the end we’ll remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” I’d say that in the end we’ll remember not our friends silence, but our own. I had an abortion. I was seventeen and uneducated about sex and got pregnant. Home was unstable and I was working hard to be the first in my family to go to college. I didn’t want a baby. I wanted a college education and a good job and, when the time was right, a family. I had an abortion and it allowed me the freedom to educate myself. It allowed me the freedom to, as an adult, have the stability I wasn’t given as a child. I didn’t want to bring a child into more instability. I had an abortion and it was the right choice for me. I had an abortion and I don’t need to justify that choice. So why can’t I say that out loud?

I wish I could now tell a redemptive tale about that time, in a conversation about abortion, that I joined the loud and proud and said yes, I had an abortion and yes, it was the right choice for me. Yes, I am willing to risk stigma and judgement to protect that choice. But I haven’t. Not yet. What I’m afraid of I’m not sure.

I’ve heard the statistic that 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in their lifetime. But how many will admit to this? I’m realizing that if women like me, and me, can’t forward and stand behind our choice, then soon there might not be a choice. Abortion was the right choice for me. Now I just have to say it out loud.

And p.s. no MLK was not anti-abortion as some say.

My Procedure is Scheduled in Two Weeks

January 15th, 2013

How I felt at the time…

Anxious, low, upset, sure

How I feel now…

Haven’t had the procedure yet.

Who I told…

Mother, sisters, and two close friends

My story…

I’m 27 and have a teaching career. I was always either unsure or certain I didn’t want children. I’ve dedicated my life working with children and youth, but I wasn’t sure having kids was right for me. I had moved cities for my job, teaching trouseled youth, I was so excited. It was a smaller city and I the thought of meeting someone was low on my priority list. But a week into my dream job, I met him. He was funny, caring, and worked with the same population of kids I did! He made me feel so special and I felt I could be myself with him, no holds bar.

Things moved quickly. He told me loved me, and I loved him too. He spoke of marrying me, eloping in Vegas in 6 months time. He would daydream of having kids with me- tell me beautiful things about our life , love, and kids. I felt so lucky to have someone like him- my family fell in love with him too, they all said , he’s the one, something is different and special about this relationship! He had me choosing styles of rings. And started telling me how he wanted to get me pregnant. He wanted us to be a family. He had a four year old girl already; whom he saw every two weeks. He adored her. And so did I. Then things started to get weird. He would withdraw for 6-12 hours at a time, when any issue would arise or when i would bring up my feelings. It got to the point I was very careful of what I shared or told him. He stopped saying the word love and stopped talking about our wedding, or kids. I found out I was pregnant. His reaction was neutral and he spoke on the phone to my sister about our pregnancy news.

Within a week I knew something was wrong. I was scared to talk to him and upset most of the time, he never mentioned the pregnancy…. And when I did it went unacknowledged. He played the boyfriend role still but I knew it was wrong/not goin well. We told my whole family while he didn’t tell his. I gave him time and space to process everything. But unfortunately it wasn’t a little time and space he needed. I decided to tell him one day his actions one night hurt my feelings and that it meant a lot to me when he kept me in the loop of our lives together. (The incident isn’t really important) he started to detach and shut down like he typically does in these situations. He didn’t come home that night…. Or the next. Didn’t answer my calls or texts. The first night I thought something had happened- I was so worried. 5 days later when he finally agreed to speak to me, he explained that we weren’t right for each other and we fought too much and that he wouldn’t run away from this child and would help when he could.

I was ready for news of this nature. I had cried for days on end and was staying with my parents for support. I felt abandoned and alone. I felt ashamed and disgusted, I felt stupid and foolish for believing him, for loving him, for allowing myself to be in this situation. Then a friend told me “it’s a never a bad thing to trust and love someone” it made me realize I wasn’t a fool. It took a few days of deep thought and meditation , and seeking the support and guidance of close friends, my sisters, and the staff at planned parenthood, that I made my decision to get an abortion. Even despite being in the position of having a baby alone, I was not ready to have a baby, it was not the right time. My appointment is in two weeks. Ill be 12 weeks when the procedure date arrives. The support of my family, my friends, and the support from myself. The waiting is difficult, but I am sure this is the right choice for me and I am grateful my country allows this right for women… It’s not an easy decision. It’s something that is difficult beyond words and has caused pain… This website has given me hope and made me feel less alone in all of this. Thank-you.

Three year Supportion anniversary!

December 6th, 2012

It’s been more than three years since Supportion was created and founded, and more than two and a half years of sharing abortion stories to support women and their partners, families and friends. Congratulations! For more on who and why we are, check out our about page

Recently, a visitor commented on a Supportion story “Over the Hills and Far Away.” Her comment was such a perfect reflection of why this site and community was created that it needed to be shared:

Hi there…I wanted say you are a beautiful soul. I have gone through a very similar experience to yours and reading yours was a really good thing for me. I got very emotional and began to remember the emotions I was having during the time of my abortion. It was good. I also got to thinking about my partner and how he felt about things then and now. I think the way you talked about how your partner acted was something I really needed to hear from someone else…it helps me understand that mine wasn’t the only one who seemed to act the way he did.

I can really relate in that I don’t want to forget my experience and that I wish it would have been my time. I can honestly say that having an abortion really defined who I’ll be for the rest of my life. I truly believe I have a beautiful life today. The past and the future are inexistent.

To everyone who has supported Supportion, shared stories, dedicated time or been helped or supported by the website, thank you! Remember, the greatest way to dispel stigma and demystify abortion is by sharing our stories, so please share your story and support pro-choice policies!

Health Care Access

December 6th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Scared.

How I feel now…

Relieved, and a little ashamed.

How old was I when I had my abortion? 

22 weeks

How far along was I?

7 weeks.

Where I had my abortion…

Abortion clinic

Who I told…

My best friend from home and my best friend from college.

My story…

I had a series of bad colds/sinus/ear/throat infections. I was on antibiotics and didn’t know (and wasn’t told) that they counteract birth control. I was having an on-again-off-again fling with my ex…and one thing led to another.

Hey Paul Ryan: A Response to the VP Debate

October 12th, 2012

my daughter once looked like a bean, too! WOW Paul Ryan, we have so much in common! ::facepalm::

exactly one year ago, i found myself unexpectedly pregnant, scared, ambivalent, and contemplating abortion. i decided to keep my baby, and what i lovingly referred to as “my little bean” after i saw my first ultrasound is now my gorgeous three-month-old daughter, for whom i have a whole new slew of awesomely cute food-analogy-nicknames. i adore her like crazy and would not trade her for anything in the world. i am profoundly grateful and blessed to have her in my life.

i am also profoundly grateful that i had the luxury of contemplating all my options and ultimately making that choice myself. as a low-income single mom struggling to make ends meet, i am painfully aware that the Republican party couldn’t give two shits (or even just one teeny-tiny rabbit-pellet shit) about me, and the millions of other women in the same boat with me. i’m terrified because i know the odds are stacked against us, but i’m that much more determined to make it work. my strong values and my wonderful family give me the confidence that somehow, things will be okay for us. it will be difficult for sure, but i’m up for the challenge. Read the rest of this entry »

29 year old Professional

July 4th, 2012

How I felt at the time…

Disappointed, Sad, Guilty.

How I feel now…

Content, Relieved, Empowered.

How far along was I…

7 weeks.

My story…

I was 4 months into a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy. After 29 years I had never been in love before this relationship and I was VERY excited and everyone could tell because things were moving extremely fast for us. My boyfriend was a professional basketball player overseas and he left for 4 and a half months to play ball. Well, when he finally returned I was ecstatic and couldnt wait to show him how much I missed him. After a night of food, laughs and a movie….we had sex unprotected for the first time. He attempted to pull out, but at that very moment I knew that he ejaculated inside of me and there was a possibility I was pregnant. After being 3 weeks late for my period and praying to God that I wasnt pregnant, I got the courage to go to a local grocery store and buy a test. The test read positive in less than 2 minutes and I screamed and cried….”Please not me!” My sister ran in my room at our apartment and she was the first I told. My boyfriend was on a business trip in Los Angeles and I texted him. He was just as scared and confused as I was. My sister encouraged me to keep the baby, but I knew that even though I was 29, established and in an amazing relationship….I wasnt mentally or emotionally ready to be a mother and I would regret the pregnancy and not take care of myself through an unwanted pregnancy. My boyfriend and I decided back and forth on either pregnancy termination or to raise the child. We decided to end the pregnancy after 7 weeks and become parents when we were married and emotionally ready to love and be parents to a child.

Not My First Rodeo…

July 3rd, 2012

How old was I when I had my abortion?

20 and 35.

What year did I have my abortion?

1996 and 2012.

How I felt at the time…

Fearful and unprepared.

How I feel now…

Mixed emotions.

My story…

11/26/1996 – 20 yrs old, in a casual, non-committed relationship, I was in no way financially or emotionally ready to care for a child, let alone share custody, etc with a college “friend” for 18+ years…additionally, I was taking anti-convulsive medications that weren’t recommended for use during pregnancy. He left his half of the cost of the procedure in an envelope on my pillow, my mother & best friend drove me across state lines & I had a surgical abortion. I believe I was 6-8 weeks.

Fast forward. 11/12/2004, 28 yrs old, the best day of my life, my husband, whom I’d been with for nearly 7 yrs, welcomed our first child. A planned pregnancy. The day I truly believed miracles happen.

And finally, today. 6/25/2012. I’ll be 36 in 4 days, still married to my wonderful husband, our 7 yr old son is the light off our life. Due to poor economy and unforeseen circumstances, we are financially unstable, our credit ruined, I’ve recently lost my job, we are feeling emotionally beat down by life and struggle to keep it all together for our son’s sake, and I found out I’m pregnant a week ago. We are scared to bring another child into this world of uncertainty and chaos. I’m so conflicted now that I know how much of a gift a baby is, especially with someone you love, having an incredible child together already. But still more afraid to go along with the pregnancy than to abort and not add any more irons to the fire off life we are already fighting. Tomorrow, I will surgically abort my 6 week old fetus, never telling a soul for fear of rejection. I’m trying to convince myself that this is the best for our son now. We don’t need to add to the instability in our life now. Not to mention outer ages once the baby goes to college.